{P.W. Atkins, a distinguished author and scientist, wrote in Molecules, Scientific American Library, New York, 1987: "... chemists achieve evil as well as good, sometimes by accident but sometimes by intention. It would be improper to conceal this dark face of their activity, to show their benevolent creations but not their malevolent, so a few of their pernicious contrivances are [included within Molecules] ..."}

Presented here, for the conscientious student wishing to stretch his or her abilities in an unorthodox manner, are seven fragmentary points of discussion which could be mulled over at leisure.

Also included here, to leaven these fragments, are selected scenes from the second term of Narkover College's inaugural year as a co-educational establishment. [... This boarding school ostensibly evinces several sensuous images at the breaking of a new day: the sun's rays, streaming through the pristine windows of the Headmaster's bedroom, reflect from an academic gown; the playing fields echo the resonant sound of leather on willow; and the unadulterated tones of a boy soprano's voice float ethereally through the beautiful chapel. But, mirroring what may be a universal truth, precious little at Narkover is quite what it seems ...]

PLAYLET 2: Ein Musikalischer Spass, In Memoriam Papa (28.5.1787)

7.45 a.m. To the opening strains of the Intrada from Leopold Mozart's Musikalische Schlittenfarht, Dr. Alec Stuart — with barely a proverbial fig-leaf to cover his modesty — lights a candle, walks over to his study's windows, and draws open the curtains; the playing fields are carpeted in thick snow, and a solitary raven is perched on the roof of the school's cricket pavilion.


7.45 a.m. In the pavilion — strictly out-of-bounds — the sans-culottes of Narkover's 4th-Remove (Year 10) are assembled; each is wearing a red bobble-hat in the manner of a late C18th French bonnet rouge ...

McKECHNIE.
To order, gentlemen. Flashy, knock it off. (Flashman stops idly bouncing a cricket ball on a bat.) Ziggy, Witters, any repercussions from last term?

ZIGO.
I'm not sure, Duncan. Witters and I went down to the lake yesterday evening; there is no sign of either the baggage or the red cloak.

McKECHNIE.
Mmm ... We'll have to keep a weather eye there. Moving on, ... as all of you must have noticed, towards the back end of last term the trogs in the lower school had started to refer to us as «sans-culottes». What... (Flashman interrupts.)

FLASHMAN.
Les enfants s'amusent! (His tone is dismissive.)

McKECHNIE.
That may be so, Flashy: but, as Barbydol would doubtless say in his tedious Latin spiel, it's certainly infra dignitatum. What we need is an appellation with style: any suggestions?

FLASHMAN.
«La Jeunesse dorée», peut-être, parce... (East interrupts.)

EAST.
Acré! Both Barbydol and Bassy are up and about.

McKECHNIE.
Zut! We'll reconvene after second prep tonight. ...


7.45 a.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, his lady wife — the epitome of French chic — is reclining gracefully on the bed; Mr. Mervyn B. Pond is preening himself in front of a full-length mirror (set at 30°) ...

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
Tu sembles beau et distingué à la fois.

Mr. POND.
Je dois consentir avec toi. (His slightly puffed-up tone then changes to one of affection.) Tu es bien ballotée ; et je t'adore... Ce soir ?

Mrs. POND.
Je suis désolée, pas ce soir. Mes règles... (Her tone is resigned, but changes to one of concern as B.'s face shows both embarrassment and disappointment.) ... T'en fais pas ; on a tout le temps !...


7.45 a.m. In the chapel, the school's organ scholar and its principal chorister are both reading novels; playing in the background is a CD recording of the Benedictus from Leopold Mozart's Missa Solemnis in C.


8.50 a.m. In the chapel, the first assembly of the term is drawing to a close; the Headmaster stays on his feet to deliver the notices ...

Mr. POND.
Good morning, School. (Benevolent smile to the staff and students.) This term, to what has been, hitherto, an almost exclusively male preserve, I have the pleasure of welcoming twenty new young ladies. With such a significant proportion of le beau sexe ... (He smiles ingratiatingly.) ... the school's motto, Homo doctus in se semper divitas habet — A learned man always has wealth in himself — is clearly in need of revision! ... Mlle Gossâge, their Housemistress, in keeping with our traditions, has arranged a hockey match for the end of term with our closest rivals, St. Swithin's. ... And, yes, gentlemen, attendance will be compulsory! (Scowls from the senior boys.) ... Rather disturbingly, and most regrettably, Alice Lidell-Lonsdale, last term's Head Girl, does not appear to have returned. (Dr. Stuart glances at the sans-culottes, who are pictures of studied innocence.) Therefore, I have appointed a new student, Ms. Forthort, to uphold the standards set by her predecessor. Incidentally, Mlle Gossâge, together with Dr. Stuart, will also be supervising the exchange visit over half-term to the Lycée Villiers in La Rochelle; our putative ambassadors are the 4th-Remove, ... but whether the Entente Cordiale will still flourish is a moot point. (He sighs in a resigned manner; wry smiles from the senior part of the school.) This brings me neatly on to my last... Flashman! (The entire school focus their eyes in F.'s direction.) Would you be so kind as to share your sense of amusement with the rest of us?

FLASHMAN.
I'm afraid to have to tell you, Sir, but you are wearing odd socks. (Mr. Pond glances towards his feet, which reveal one sock as dark red and the other as dark blue.)

Mr. POND.
Flashman, I do appreciate that the younger generation feel they have a monopoly on fashion, ... the taste, nay, deluded individualism shown by wearers of earrings is perhaps a case in point. However, those of maturer years may well have the surer sense of style: ... I, for one, consider that odd socks are decidedly natty; Burlington Bertie certainly cannot rest on his laurels! (As one, the students look baffled by this dead metaphor.) And now, to continue with my final notice. ... As our new students should have observed already, apart from the safety regulations, every notice and sign within the school is in French; these changes were introduced last term as a prelude to the introduction of bilingualism at Narkover this coming autumn term. I would like to be able to report that this innovation was an unqualified success: but, periodically throughout last term, many of the signs were either modified or translocated, much to the confusion of the lower part of the school! Naturally, my colleagues and I have our suspicions as to the culprits, ... (He looks pointedly at the 4th-Remove.) ... but we are confident that the threat of suspension will prove an effective deterrent. Now, whilst most of you would probably like to listen to my dulcet tones indefinitely, ... (He smiles whimsically.) ... or at least until after the start of the first lesson, ... I do believe that having entered the groves of academia, it is incumbent upon you to sample its fruits. Good morning! (He nods to the staff, who follow him from the chapel.) ...


11.00 a.m. In a laboratory, Dr. Stuart takes a roll-call for his first lesson of the term with the 4th-Remove ...

Dr. STUART.
Brown.

BROWN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
East.

EAST.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Lidell-Lonsdale. (No reply.) Oh dear, Alice appears to be no longer with us. ... Ms. M. A. Forthort.

Ms. FORTHORT.
Present, Sir. (Dr. S. looks up sharply.)

Dr. STUART.
How remarkable! Apart from the colouring of your hair, you look the splitting image of Alice. Indeed, I would go as far as to say you are alike as two... Um, ... Never mind.

Ms. FORTHORT.
Not really surprising, Sir. You must of heard of identical twins who were separated at birth.

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! How extraordinary! And what does the M stand for?

Ms. FORTHORT.
Malice, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Er, ... Interesting. (He glances fleetingly at both Merridew and Wittering.) Um, ... I mean, splendid! ... McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Piggy. ... C'est triste; il est mort. (He speaks softly, in a sad tone, to no one in particular.) ... Unman.

UNMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Now, ladies and gentlemen. This term we must direct some of our attention to the Biology syllabus. So, your project has this title: ... (He writes on the board: "The relationship between The Ozone Layer and Ein Musikalischer Spass."; and, as the class copy down this title, he places a transparency of these structural and line formulae on a projector:

then, after about a minute ...) May I have your attention, please? (He smiles warmly.) Thank you. I have decided to introduce our biological studies by revising and expanding upon several of last term's chemistry topics. ... Many biologically important molecules are based on a repeating five-carbon unit known as isoprene, which is biosynthesized from isopentenol. (He points to their respective formulae.) First, what would be the toxic gas formed by the incomplete combustion of either molecule and what substance is formed in the human body by this gas? ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Carbon monoxide ... and it forms carboxyhaemoglobin, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Merridew, well done! This transparency shows the line formulae of both oxyhaemoglobin and carboxyhaemoglobin:

Please note, in passing, their topological relationship to chlorophylls-a and b. ... Unman, you look perplexed!

UNMAN.
Sir, do we really have to know these formulae for the exams?

Dr. STUART.
Absolument pas! As Lord Bountiful, I am merely scattering a few academic acorns in your general direction. (He smiles.) Now, second, how could one distinguish between isoprene and isopentenol, ... Mumford? (As M.'s silence continues, most of the class raise their hands.) ... No! (He addresses the rest of the class.) I am confident Mumford does know the answer. Mumford, let us break down the question. ... What functional group do these two molecules have in common?

MUMFORD.
Carbon-carbon double bond, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Good, ... and one test for the group is?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... Orange-brown bromine water decolourizes, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Excellent. Now, ... how do these two molecules differ?

MUMFORD.
Isoprene has two double bonds, ... but isopentenol only has one. ... Oh, I think I see, Sir. Isoprene would require two moles of bromine water, and isopentenol just one?

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! (Mumford looks chuffed.) Yes, Mumford, you have good reason to look pleased with yourself. Your grey cells are always positively champing at the bit to be put through their paces; give them oxyhaemoglobin, so that they can carry out aerobic respiration, and the resulting ATP turns them into thoroughbreds! ... Yes, Flashman? (He sighs.)

FLASHMAN.
That was a rather laboured metaphor, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
True, admittedly, Flashman, ... but I'm just a mere mortal. Moving on! ... Ozone, when produced by a complex series of photochemical reactions involving various nitrogen oxides and unburned hydrocarbons emitted from vehicle exhausts, is a component of photochemical smog. In sharp contrast to its benevolent rôle in the upper atmosphere, protecting the biosphere from harmful u.v. radiation, low level ozone is malevolent: it causes the destruction of a diverse range of synthetic and naturally occurring molecules. For example, the corrosion of rubber — as this transparency summarizes:

... Now, Class, after pondering this scheme, are there any comments or questions? ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Does this scheme have any relevance to our project, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Strictly speaking, no! I would be being disingenuous to say otherwise. However, it is true that some of the biological effects — resulting from, on the one hand, the depletion of the ozone layer, and on the other, the accumulation of low level ozone — are coincidentally the same. ... Now, Class, put those grey cells through their paces! ... ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
By analogy with bromination, would one classify that first reaction in the scheme as an addition reaction?

Dr. STUART.
Absolutely! Good. Go on, Zigo. ...

ZIGO.
Sorry, Sir, I don't see any implications ... unless ... um, ... rubber is biosynthesized from isopentenol? (Dr. S. nods encouragingly.) Well, ... by extension, any biological molecule which either is biosynthesized from isopentenol ... or contains a double carbon-carbon bond is susceptible to destruction by ozone?

Dr. STUART.
Magnificent! Zigo, well done indeed! Please note in... Yes, Flashman? (He sighs.)

FLASHMAN.
Last term, didn't you mutter something to the effect that, despite some inevitable differences, all living organisms share similar biochemistry?

Dr. STUART.
I would disagree vehemently with your choice of the verb "to mutter". (He smiles.) But, setting aside that infelicity, the point is both astute and very important; and has, albeit indirectly, particular relevance to the project. Now, ... moving on! Other biological molecules biosynthesized from isopentenol include cholesterol and these sex hormones:

... and this leads me directly on to your prep, which is in two parts. First, I want you to calculate the molar mass of each steroid; you may find it useful to convert each line formula to its structural equivalent. And second, I would like you to do a little background reading on the biological effects of these particular hormones. Mmm, ... With the bell a few minutes away, I'm going to show my usual generosity of spirit and allow you to start prep. (The class haul out their pencils, rubbers, and — with the exception of Malice — calculators. Dr. S. waits for a minute or so: and then ...) Class! I spy calculators. (His tone is one of distaste.)

BROWN.
But, Sir, all these steroids have eighteen or more carbons, ... and we only know up to our twelve times table.

Dr. STUART.
Bôf! The relative atomic mass of carbon is ...? Mumford!?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... (He looks at his Periodic Table.) ... 12, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Twelve twelves are?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... 144, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
And six twelves are?

MUMFORD.
72, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
And so, eighteen twelves must be?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... 216, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! As Malice has clearly realized, ... (He gives M. a winning smile.) ... and as Mumford has just demonstrated, a calculator is not de rigueur for all calculations. (His tone is pompous.) Mmm, ... I do believe that, at the end of last term, I set prep... Flashman! Quo vadis? (He addresses F., who has risen on hearing the sound of the bell.)

FLASHMAN.
Nowhere, Sir. I was just, er, ... stretching my legs, Sir.

MALICE.
Please, Sir. Isn't Flashman's feeble excuse an example of dissimulation? (Venomous gasps from the sans-culottes.)

Dr. STUART.
Malice, would you care to expand — perhaps by a definition?

MALICE.
Well, ... to dissimulate is 'to conceal or disguise one's true intentions or opinions under a feigned appearance'.

Dr. STUART.
Just so, Malice. Class dismissed! ...


2.45 p.m. The 4th-Remove arrive in a music classroom for a lesson of General Studies with Signore Arsenio Salieri; the latter sweeps into the room as the bell stops ringing ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti!

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore. (In slightly patronizing tones.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Mah, ... The entire class on time: ... there must be mischief afoot. (He surveys the room in a circumspect manner.)

WITTERING.
Sir, you do us a grave injustice; we're culture vultures at heart. This morning, Dr. Stuart set us a project involving Ein Musikalischer Spass. Who composed it?

Sig. SALIERI.
Wolfgang Mozart. Would you like to listen to a recording? (No response.) No? Non importa! Perhaps a little revision of scales? (Chorus of "No, Sir, the recording, please."; Sig. Sal. plays a CD and, for the following 20 minutes, the class show varying degrees of amusement, bemusement, and boredom: and then ...) Any comments?

PATTULLO.
Most of it sounded not quite right, ... as if it was some sort of joke.

Sig. SALIERI.
Complimenti! Most perceptive. Indeed, it is gratifying to realize that your constant exposure to popular music has not completely deadened your sensibilities. In point of fact, Wolfgang wrote this composition as a parody of those written by his bungling contemporaries and... Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
Sir, in what way is that a fact?

Sig. SALIERI.
Ecco, ... Since time immemorial, the authors of articles in reference books and recording notes have been in agreement as to Mozart's raison d'être.

MALICE.
That may be so: but, is there any evidence to support their common assertion? For example, are there any documents?

Sig. SALIERI.
Dunque, se non è vero, è ben trovato. (He mutters under his breath.) To be honest, I've no idea ... but, as a starting point for your project, you should find out precisely when Wolfgang wrote this composition. And now, a little more... (The bell rings.) ... La campana, mi dispiace. ... Ciao! ...


3.40 p.m. The senior girls — including Lolli, Popsy, and Shandy from the 3rd-form (Year 9) — arrive at one of the pitches for their first hockey practice with Mlle G.; each girl is wearing a canary-yellow blouse and a dark-grey gym skirt. From one touchline, the sans-culottes provide an unceasing tirade of disparaging and indelicate comments; and from the other, several of the younger girls — including the triplets from Australia (Holly, Molly, and Polly) — provide a cacophony of gushy sounds: then, after about twenty minutes ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Boys! (She shrills.) Your language and general behaviour is upsetting my gals. (Tortured pronunciation of girls.)

FLASHMAN.
Sorry, Miss. Are we putting your gals off their strokes?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
What impertinence! Young man, I don't care for your tone at all! Report to Dr. Stuart! All of you! Immediately! (She accompanies each shrill phrase with a toss of her head.) ...


4.10 p.m. The sans-culottes arrive outside Dr. S.'s study; inside, he is polishing his violin, which has been restrung recently with catgut strings, whilst listening to Leopold Mozart's Sinfonia burlesca ...

McKECHNIE.
Flashy, no smart comments in there! (He whispers, and then knocks gently on the study door.)

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (The boys enter.) Pauvre de moi! Les bonnets rouges have come to cart me off to Mme Guillotine. (He smiles.)

FLASHMAN.
Your wish is our... (McKechnie kicks F., who winces.) Um, ... No, Sir. Gossypol ... (Dr. S. partially suppresses a smile.) ... I mean, Mlle Gossâge has told us to report, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Do, please, enlighten me.

FLASHMAN.
Well, ... at the girls' hockey practice ... our conduct may have been unbecoming of gentlemen.

Dr. STUART.
I assume that is a masterful understatement? (Each boy nods his head and shuffles from one foot to another.) From my vantage point, ... (He glances out of his study's windows.) ... you appeared to be indulging in a decidedly juvenile exhibition of callow behaviour. Any dissent ... or excuses? (No response.) Mmm, ... Let me see, ... punishment to fit the crime? (He ponders for about a minute, and then — with his eyes twinkling ever so slightly — he addresses the boys.) Each one of you will «volunteer» to help erect the temporary shower facilities for the girls' hockey match at the end of term. (Each boy mumbles "Yes, Sir.") And, ... Yes, East?

EAST.
Should we apologize to Mlle Gossâge?

Dr. STUART.
I have to presume that question is rhetorical. (His tone is caustic.) Most of you have probably heard the expression «Manners maketh man». Well, as each of you should determine by executing the prep I set this morning, it is definitely «Testosterone which maketh man» — in the biological sense, at least. Be that as it may, ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Please, Sir, who composed that music you were listening to?

Dr. STUART.
Tempering my displeasure with a judicious digression, eh? (He gives Pattullo a quizzical look.) Leopold Mozart. (He sighs.) Oh, ... go on, ... make yourselves scarce. ...


9.15 p.m. The sans-culottes reassemble in the pavilion, after second prep and before the dormitory roll-call ...

McKECHNIE.
To order, gentlemen. First, Barbydol's punishment; ... any comments?

WITTERING.
What a drag! (General murmur of agreement.)

MERRIDEW.
I'm not so sure. Indeed, I think we may be able to use it to our advantage. ...

McKECHNIE.
Jack, don't keep us in suspense!

MERRIDEW.
Eh bien, ... there's an infamous scene in a film called MASH which involves a temporary shower facility.

McKECHNIE.
And, Jack? ... And!

MERRIDEW.
No, ... no more details. I think everybody should see the movie first — to determine whether the same idea recurs.

McKECHNIE.
D'accord! Flashy, Spats, Ziggy, ... tous? (Expressions of complete agreement.) Moving on, ... does anybody know where Malice disappeared to in first prep?

UNMAN.
She went to the library; apparently she was following up old Arsenic's suggestion as to the date of Mozart's composition.

WITTERING.
Hmph! More fool her! Barbydol's project is probably one of his academic red herrings. Spats, you're the renaissance man amongst us. Qu'est-ce que tu en penses?

PATTULLO.
Je ne sais pas. ... My gut feeling is that Mozart, père et fils, may be part of the conundrum: but don't ask me why.

McKECHNIE.
Mmm, ... Quelle heure? (He looks at his watch.) Oh, zut! We'll have to split; the dorm bell is just about to ring.

________________________________________________________________________________________

1. A population, which is group of individuals in a species that live in a defined habitat, increases exponentially if there is an increase in birth rate over death rate. However, such exponential growth cannot continue indefinitely because limiting factors determine the carrying capacity of the natural environment for any given population. The human population has increased exponentially for about 10,000 years, because successive revolutions — agricultural, industrial (18th century), and technological (20th century) — have continued to minimize the limiting effects of two factors in particular: i.e., pathogenic micro-organisms and energy. ... Man also appears to be unique amongst species in its capacity to change, irreversibly, the natural environment by pollution.


2. A pollutant can be precisely defined as any radiation, species, or substance which is above ambient concentration in any given ecosystem as a direct or indirect result of Man's activities. Despite a plethora of published studies which have investigated the effects of various pollutants on diverse organisms, popular attention is almost invariably focused on those most visible to ingestive heterotrophs (particularly vertebrates). However, such effects are most important to autotrophs and to absorptive heterotrophs (i.e., saprotrophs); this is because pollutants either increase the natural mutation rates or decrease the reproductive rates of these organisms, which are indispensable to the recycling of matter within the biosphere.


3. During the twentieth century, in particular, so as to accommodate the life-style requirements — as distinct from the minimum needs — of the exponentially increasing human population, there have been massive increases in industrialization and in land cultivation; which, in turn, have led to massive increases in the emission of various pollutants which deplete the biosphere's protective ozone layer. From a balanced ecological perspective, the most important effect of this depletion, and the attendant increase in u.v. radiation, is probably the increase in the natural mutation rates of all organisms; which, in turn, will increase the rate of genetic change if mutations occur in reproductive cells. Nevertheless, popular attention is focused on but one effect: the incidence of mutations in the somatic cells of one species (Man).

________________________________________________________________________________________

11.00 p.m. Dr. S.'s second lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 4th week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Over the past few weeks, we have covered, so to speak, the human female's reproductive system. Now, in my day, ... (He holds up a hand to silence the groans.) ... our practical work on this subject was limited to the observation and drawing of previously dissected specimens of male and female rabbits; indeed, if my failing memory serves me correctly, our theory work was similarly restrictive. (He looks pensive.) ... Be that as it may, ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
But, Sir, what about contraception?

Dr. STUART.
In different senses of the word, "No" springs to mind. I do recall that rabbit populations were controlled by the Myxoma virus: but the relationship of this fact to the occasional furtive activity in the barber's shop was certainly obscure to me and those of my generation. Now, ... where was I? Ah, ... in these ostensibly enlightened times, one is required to focus on human reproduction. There are clearly multiple opportunities for everybody to breed like rabbits, ... but your practical work must follow safer lines: «safe sex», one might say. ... Yes, Flashman?

FLASHMAN.
Sir, I don't think you have missed your vocation in life, since your «comedic» touches are invariably followed by pregnant pauses.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman, I am going to ignore your display of bad manners, ... for three reasons. First, as the composer Joseph Haydn once said: "Pauses can be as important as the musical notes." Second, "Scientia non habet inimicum nisi ignorantem"; need I translate? (Flashman looks crushed.) Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
Sir, I have never understood why supposedly learned people assume that everybody should be au fait with Latin tags. So, would you translate, please? (Dr. S. looks mortified.)

Dr. STUART.
My deepest apologies, Malice. "Science [or knowledge] has no enemies but the ignorant". Um, ... Pressing on. ... And third, your use of the word "pregnant" is serendipitous. ... Thus, you will recall, I hope, from a previous lesson that progesterone completes the build up of the endometrium, so it is fully prepared to receive the embryo: if there is no fertilized ovum, both oestrogen and progesterone stop being produced; and, as a result, this uterine lining breaks down and menstruation starts. (He peers over the top of his glasses.) You are looking decidedly blank, ... Mumford!

MUMFORD.
Yes, Sir. Um, ... I mean ... er, ... what was the question, Sir? (Audible laughter from the other sans-culottes.)

Dr. STUART.
Favete linguis! (Silence follows.) Mumford's discomfort should not be a source of amusement. Now, Mumford, I do not expect you to remember all of the material covered to date: but, I do expect you to prepare for each lesson by reading through your notes beforehand. (His tone is encouraging.)

MUMFORD.
Yes, Sir. I'll try and remember.

Dr. STUART.
Good lad. Please do. (He then addresses the whole class.) Indeed, each of you should heed the wisdom of this proverb: «A little revision each day keeps this Doctor at bay». (He smiles; several members of the class sigh gently.) Now, let us return to our theme: practical aspects of menstruation. Your final mock practical assessment has this title: (He writes on the blackboard: "An investigation into three or more variables involved in the absorption characteristics of materials which are potentially suitable as female sanitary towels; at least two of these must be quantitative, and at least one must be qualitative.") ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Sir, do we have to do this practical? It's ... um, ... um, ...

Dr. STUART.
Embarrassing, perhaps? (Brown nods.) I must admit that, I too do not feel entirely at ease with the topic; but, aside from the scientific aspects, this assessment will be a rare opportunity for you, as a male of the species, to empathize with one aspect of the female condition. Now, I would like your proposed plans by this time next week; you may start.


11.00 p.m. Dr. S.'s last lesson with the 4th-Remove before half-term ...

Dr. STUART.
I am happy to report that, broadly speaking, each of you has presented satisfactory plans. However, nobody has obtained full marks; albeit for different reasons. Thus, none of the males in this class have considered the importance — either as a constant or as a variable — the shape of the absorbent material or the viscosity of the liquid applied; clearly, in contrast to Malice, none of you have the vaguest idea of either the shape of the uterus or, more surprisingly, the texture of blood.

BROWN.
But, Sir, that criticism is unfair! (His tone is petulant, but changes to one that is dismissive.) Malice is a girl.

Dr. STUART.
Lady is the word you are struggling for. (His face and tone are severe.) I do appreciate that Malice may have several advantages; for example, unlike her, the rest of you would probably be given short shrift by pharmacists if you deigned to ask to view the genuine articles. ... But, I am genuinely puzzled as to the reason why each male of the species should have chosen to use a blue liquid in his experiments.

BROWN.
Sir, blue liquids are always used in TV adverts.

Dr. STUART.
Give me strength! Advertisers are merely showing sensitivity towards the general public, any one of whom could be eating food ... seasoned, perhaps, with tomato ketchup. And, for a similar reason, presumably, advertisers use a blue liquid to demonstrate the absorption properties of nappies: despite the fact that urine is straw-coloured. ... Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
Sir, would you say that common sense was lacking in their plans? (Venomous gasps from the sans-culottes.)

Dr. STUART.
Far be it from me to say so, but a modicum of common sense would certainly not have gone amiss. ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Sir, you did say that nobody obtained full marks, ... so, I assume Malice must have made one or more errors.

Dr. STUART.
Your assumption is correct: but, your mean-spiritedness does you no credit whatsoever, Zigo. Malice's error, repeated by everybody else, was the absence of safety considerations in her proposed plans. I did not expect any of you to present an exhaustive appraisal of safety concerns: but, nobody so much as mentioned a pair of safety-glasses in their scripts. I must point out that each person who repeats such an error, in an assessment used for determining external examination grades, will fail. ... And, on that salutary note, we will suspend our scientific endeavours — since I know your minds are drifting towards tomorrow's journey to La Rochelle. ...


Day 1, morning: The 4th-Remove, Mlle G., and Dr. S. travel to La Rochelle by train ... [Their journey is uneventful: Dr. S. listens to music on his personal CD player; Malice reads a novel; and, perhaps ominously, the sans-culottes spend the entire time «brushing up» their French with Mlle G.]

Day 1, afternoon: The aforementioned are greeted in the courtyard of the Lycée Villiers by a welcoming party ... [M. le père Richelieu (Headmaster), Mlle Charlotte Backson (Deputy Headmistress), M. Moisi Rochefort (Senior Teacher), and four students from la deuxième classe (i.e., Year 10)] ...

Fr. RICHELIEU.
Bienvenue! J'ai l'honneur de vous présenter Mlle Backson (Madame le censeur), M. Rochefort (le professeur principal), et de la deuxième classe, Aramis, Athos, Porthos et, pour la jolie femme, ... (He favours Malice with a thin smile.) ... Mlle Bonacieux. ... Mes étudiants vous feront visiter notre école. Et maintenant, est-ce qu'il y a toutes questions !?

FLASHMAN.
Oui, M. le proviseur, où est D'Artagnan ?

Fr. RICHELIEU.
C'est pas drôle !... Ce n'est ni un roman historique ni une colonie de vacances ! (He then turns to Dr. S., and gestures towards the sans-culottes.) Ils onts des têtes !

Dr. STUART.
Oui, malheureusement, c'est juste. Pourtant, ils sont sans malice,... relativement parlant ! (He turns to his class.) Nous vous rappelons que vous êtes invités ici, donc veuillez ne pas se conduire mal ! (Chorus of "Oui, Monsieur, bien entendu !", before the students disperse into four groups.) ...

One group consists of Flashman, McKechnie, Porthos, and Wittering ...

WITTERING.
Quelles matières tu étudies ?

PORTHOS.
J'étudie l'anglais, le français, l'italien, l'histoire, les mathématiques, la biologie, la chimie, et puis la physique.

WITTERING.
Euh, ... As-tu une préférence pour une de ces matières ?

PORTHOS.
Pas particulière, mais j'aime bien l'histoire et l'italien. Qui est-ce que vous apprend le français ?

FLASHMAN.
Mlle Gossâge ; mais nous lui avons donné le sobriquet de «Gossypol».

PORTHOS.
Pourquoi?

FLASHMAN.
C'est un peu compliqué... Alors, Gossypol a été essayé un contraceptif chimique pour homme,... (Porthos interrupts.)

PORTHOS.
Comme une alternative possible pour la capote anglaise ?

FLASHMAN.
Oui, exactement. Eh bien, Mlle Gossâge... pour ce qui de la beauté,... (Porthos starts to smile.) ... à la distribution générale on lui avait filé un billet d'absence ! Tu compris ?

PORTHOS.
J'y suis ! (He and the others burst out laughing; then ...) Mais, c'est un aperçus misogyne ?

McKECHNIE.
C'est vrai ; mais on dit de bonne cœur. Gossypol est un bon professeur, et... (W. interrupts as they turn a corner.)

WITTERING.
C'est magnifique ! Un lac !

PORTHOS.
Et alors ? (He shrugs his shoulders.)

WITTERING.
Tu as lu Les trois Mousquetaires ?

PORTHOS.
Naturellement. Mais,... Mince alors ! Tu pense à la scène d'exécution avec «Milady» ?

WITTERING.
C'est tout à fait exact ! Par analogie, avec Malice et Mlle Bonacieux, si possible ; ... simulée, bien sûr !

PORTHOS.
Avec Malice et Constance : c'est une bonne idée ! M'est avis que nous sommes un peu du même bateau ! (F., M., and W. look puzzled.) Euh, ... En anglais, "similar boats", peut-être ?

FLASHMAN.
Ah,... On dit "We are in the same boat", pour une situation défavorable, et "We are birds of a feather", qui suggère un caractère similaire ; ... ce dernier ? (P. nods and smiles.)

McKECHNIE.
Quand pourrions-nous exécuter cette frasque ?

PORTHOS.
Demain à minuit ? Nous discuterons les détails avec nos amis plus tard. On est d'accord ? (F., M., and W. all nod.) ...

A second group consists of Constance and Malice; and a third consists of Athos, Brown, East, Mumford, and Unman.

The final group consists of Aramis, Merridew, Pattullo, and Zigo ...

ZIGO.
Monsieur le proviseur est assez sévère ?

ARAMIS.
C'est ça. Nous lui avons donné le sobriquet de «Corbeau».

MERRIDEW.
Parce qu'il est un oiseau de mauvais agure ? (A. smiles.)

ARAMIS.
Pas exactement... Mais, c'est une bonne raison, va ! Non, parce qu'il porte toujours une soutane noire. (He turns to Zigo.) Quel genre de musique est-ce que tu préfères ?

ZIGO.
Moi ? (A. nods.) Je préfère la musique pop ; les rock groups Jethro Tull et les Stones sont inégales pour moi.

ARAMIS.
Et toi ? (He turns to Pattullo.)

PATTULLO.
Ah, la musique du dix-huitième siècle, sans aucun doute.

ARAMIS.
C'est un peu surprenant,... mais intéressant, peut-être.

PATTULLO.
Pourquoi ?

ARAMIS.
Ah,... Parce que la fierté et la joie de notre école est un manuscrit musical d'une pièce de clavecin par Armand-Louis Couperin ; ... et, en effet, Constance Bonacieux jouera cette pièce chez la soirée demain.

PATTULLO.
Puis-je voir ce manuscrit, s'il te plaît ?

ARAMIS.
Bien sûr. (The group go to the library, where the said Ms. is in a glass-covered case.) Et voila ! (P. looks closely at the two leaves which are visible for examination.)

PATTULLO.
Jack, regarde les accords du début ! (M. looks closely.)

MERRIDEW.
C'est singulier !

ARAMIS.
Pourquoi donc ?

PATTULLO.
Euh,... Cette pièce de clavecin est similaire au morceau de musique que nous savons. En conséquence, nous pourrions jouer une plaisanterie musicale à la soirée ?

ARAMIS.
C'est une idée géniale !

PATTULLO.
Cependant, ce morceau est écrit pour banjo et guitare ; ainsi, on a besoin de faire une transcription pour le clavecin à quatre mains.

ARAMIS.
Pas de problème ; j'ai le logiciel qui fait une transcription rapidement et correctement. Allons à mon dortoir ! (The group go to A.'s dormitory. Whilst A. and P. are «kittens on the keys», W. and Z. browse through A.'s books. ...)

ZIGO.
Aramis ?

ARAMIS.
Oui, mon camerade ?

ZIGO.
Tu as lu En attendant Godot ?

ARAMIS.
Oui,... et j'ai vu une représentation.

ZIGO.
Qu'est-ce que se passe à Godot ?

ARAMIS.
Je sais pas. L'auteur dramatique dissimule avec son titre ; on n'est pas sûr même si Godot existe : certainement, il n'arrive jamais !...

Meanwhile, Mlle G. and Dr. S. are shown to their separate rooms. After completing her ablutions, she walks to his room; inside, having bathed, he is standing naked apart from a towel. She knocks on the door ...

Dr. STUART.
Entrez ! (Mlle G. enters; as she closes the door, the towel inadvertently falls from his waist.) Oh, pardonnez-moi, ma chère Agnès. (She looks aghast.) Fichtre alors ! Tu n'as jamais vu quelqu'un en costume d'Adam auparavant ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Peut-être. (Her weak tone changes to one of confidence ...) Mais, jamais un homme d'un certain âge avec un canard... plastique, bien sûr !

Dr. STUART.
Quoi! (He splutters, then observes this embarrassing yellow toy in his hand.) Miel !... Euh,...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Non ! Ne pas noyer le poisson ! À tantôt ! (She smiles, then leaves the room.) ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

4. The term 'position of equilibrium' refers to one particular state of a closed system (i.e., one that allows energy but not matter to be transferred; e.g., a sealed conical flask); and one state, or position, differs from another in the concentrations of substances present in the equilibrium mixture. Concentration, pressure, and temperature are three of the independent variables which affect the position of equilibrium; and the qualitative effect of changing such variables is summarized by Le Chatelier's Principle: 'When a closed system at dynamic equilibrium is subjected to change in an independent variable, the position of equilibrium shifts so as to oppose the effect of the imposed change.'

Thus, at dynamic equilibrium in a closed system: ... an increase in the concentrations of products shifts the position of equilibrium to the left; ... an increase in the concentrations of reactants shifts the position of equilibrium to the right; ... an increase in pressure increases the yield when there are fewer moles of gas on the product side of the equation; ... an increase in pressure decreases the yield when there are more moles of gas on the product side of the equation; ... a change in pressure has no effect on the yield when there are the same number of moles of gas on each side of the equation; ... an increase in temperature increases the yield when the reaction is endothermic (+ DH); ... an increase in temperature decreases the yield when the reaction is exothermic (– DH).

________________________________________________________________________________________

Day 2, morning: The 4th-Remove attend lessons.

Day 2, afternoon: Together with Mlle G. and Dr. S., the 4th-Remove visit Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette — a small company which, curiously perhaps, specializes in the manufacture of hats and ethanoic acid; the Director's name is M. Oliver R. Scrooge. ... After been shown round the factory, the party is invited to observe a meeting whose focus is the possible methods of increasing both the speed [la vitesse] and the yield [le rendement] of ethanoic acid [l'acide acetique]; on a whiteboard is this chemical equation and energy level diagram:

Seated at a boardroom table, containing a sprinkling of the company's latest creations in head-wear, are four elegantly dressed women: Mlle É. Activé, Mlle M. Brulôt, Mlle O. Gonfleur, and Mlle I. Sagesse. M. Scrooge, a slouch in the sartorial stakes, seats himself down ...

M. SCROOGE.
Euh,... (He counts heads.) On est cinq ! Où est Jacob ?

Mlle ACTIVITÉ.
Bôf ! Il n'est pas là. Il est mort !

M. SCROOGE.
Ça ne fait rien... Nous ne pouvons pas se reposer sur nos lauriers du passé ! Alors, je veux plus et je veux cet acide plus rapide ! (No response from the ladies, who are either polishing their finger nails or admiring their creations.) Malheur à vous, si la patience m'échappe ! (With this veiled threat, they are all attention. In succession, each lady uses a pointer to highlight an aspect of the above diagram.)

Mlle ACTIVITÉ.
Eh bien,... ce catalyseur augmenterait la vitesse. Cependant, parce qu'il est une complexe d'un métal très précieux, il y aurait des dépenses d'investissement... Néanmoins, nous le réutiliserions, à condition que nous minimisions la présence des inhibiteurs dans les vaisseaux de réaction.

M. SCROOGE.
Ça augmenterait le rendement aussi ? (His tone is hopeful.)

Mlle ACTIVITÉ.
Bôf ! Certainement pas ! (S. looks glum.) Pas de catalyseur change la position d'équilibre, parce que pas de catalyseur change la chaleur de réaction !... Un catalyseur simplement réduit l'énergie d'activation. (S. looks chastened.) Quoi qu'il en soit, sans ce catalyseur, on devrait utiliser très hautes températures. Par conséquent, ce catalyseur réduirait les dépenses courantes ; indirectement, bien sûr.

Mlle BRULÔT.
C'est juste. Néanmoins, une haute température augmenterait la vitesse.

M. SCROOGE.
C'est bien !... Et, le rendement aussi ?

Mlle BRULÔT.
Certainement pas ; faites attention ! Cette réaction chimique est exothermique. (S. now looks more chastened and glum.)

Mlle GONFLEUR.
Une haute pression augmenterait aussi la vitesse ; ... ainsi qu'une augmentation inévitable des dépenses courantes.

M. SCROOGE.
Oui, oui,... (His tone is weary.) ... mais, est-ce qu'une haute pression augmenterait le rendement ?

Mlle GONFLEUR.
Certainement ! (S. perks up.) Je suis d'accord avec Marie : faites attention à cette équation ! (She points forcibly to same.) Prenez note qu'il y a moins de moles de gaz sur le côté de produit. Eh bien, en réalité, il y a nul !

M. SCROOGE.
Splendide !... Alors, je suggère que nous devrions utiliser une quantité radine de catalyseur et une température assez basse : mais, une pression massive. (His tone is bullish.) On est d'accord ?

Mlle SAGESSE.
Non !... Pas nécessairement. Je dois pousser la prudence ! Les vaisseaux de réaction qui sont assez robustes pour résister très hautes pressions sont très chers ; et un gaz, en particulier, est très toxique (le monoxyde de carbone). La sécurité de nos ouvriers et du grand public est suprême !

M. SCROOGE.
Misère ! Toutes les femmes de l'espèce sont-elles si sages ? (His tone is ambiguous, perhaps even patronizing.)

Mlle SAGESSE.
Certainement !... Eh bien, la plupart du temps. Cependant, nous suspendrons le jugement sur votre futur... (The ladies glance pointedly at the stiletto heels on their shoes.) ... jusqu'au jour où nous recevons nos primes de Noël.

M. SCROOGE.
C'est entre Charybde et Scylla ! Plus je depense, moins j'ai d'argent ! Et puis, la paperasse pour chez petite entreprise... (He sighs deeply.) ... Ah ! (He picks up a telephone.) Bob, c'est Oliver Scrooge ici. Veuillez revenir... (Shortly afterwards, the visitors express their gratitude to M. Scrooge, without him hearing Flashman's most graceless utterance — "C'était l'équivalent scientifique du thé de fou chapelier." — and then return to the Lycée Villiers.

Day 2, 8.00 p.m.: In a magnificent room bedecked with chandeliers, the 4th-Remove, la deuxième classe, Mlle G., and Dr. S. are present at a soirée hosted by Father Richelieu and his senior colleagues. After a modicum of polite conversation, Fr. Richelieu asks courteously for silence, and then Constance Bonacieux seats herself at a harpsichord ...

CONSTANCE.
Bonsoir... Je vais jouer une pièce de clavecin par Armand Couperin qui est appelée L'Enjouée, et qui a été écrite en 1751. (About 6 minutes later, the audience clap, there are a few polite shouts of "Bis !", and Richelieu favors Constance with his warmest smile; then Aramis and Pattullo seat themselves at the harpsichord.) ...

ARAMIS.
Bonsoir. Jean-Baptiste Forqueray est né en 1699, et il est mort en 1782. En 1747 il a publié son «Livre de Clavecin», qui contient La Forqueray. Cette pièce de clavecin, qui a pu être écrite comme hommage à son père, Antoine, qui est mort en 1745, semble parodier les talents extraordinaires d'Antoine. (He nods to P.)

PATTULLO.
Pourtant, plutôt que de jouer cette pièce, nous avons décidé de jouer un morceau qui est appelé Duelling Banjos, et qui nous avons transcrit pour le clavecin à quatre mains. (After about 15 seconds of their rendition, Athos, Porthos, and the sans-culottes are barely suppressing smiles, whereas the English and French staff are looking increasingly vexed; and, after about 45 seconds, a thunderous looking Richelieu rises to his feet.) ...

Fr. RICHELIEU.
Ça suffit ! (He holds up a hand.) Moi, je n'ai jamais été témoin d'une telle exposition de mauvaises manières !

ARAMIS.
Mais, M. le proviseur, ce n'était pas irrespectueux ; non, c'était seulement une petite plaisanterie musicale.

Fr. RICHELIEU.
Silence ! Je me charge de vous, et les autres, demain ! (He turns to Dr. S., and smiles weakly.) Avec ton accord,... (His tone changes to one that is severe.) ... je suggère que tous les étudiants se couchent de bonne heure.

Dr. STUART.
Certainement. Je me confonds en excuses pour la conduite de mes étudiants. (His tone is contrite, but, as he turns to the 4th-Remove, this changes to one that is fairly severe.) Je veux pas d'agitation et pas d'absurdité... Exécution ! (The sans-culottes barely suppress smiles at his unintended pun.) Allez ! Tout de suite ! ... (He sighs deeply.) ...

Day 2, 8.30 p.m.: The students go to various dormitories; and, after their ablutions, Mlle Backson and M. Rochefort switch off the dorm lights at 9.15 p.m. Malice, Constance, and most of la deuxième classe are asleep by 10.0 p.m. ... Whereas, Aramis, Athos, Porthos, and the sans-culottes are holding various whispered conversations, including this one ...

PORTHOS.
La fin de la soirée... Bôf !... Ce n'est pas une affaire !

McKECHNIE.
C'est juste ; le calme qui précède la tempête ? À propos, tu vas à la colonie de vacances pendant le troisième trimestre ?

PORTHOS.
Où ?

McKECHNIE.
À Sault Sainte Marie.

PORTHOS.
Bien sûr ! Nous attendons avec impatience le plaisir de voir Huck et ses amis. Un instant ! Au Canada ou aux États-Unis ?

McKECHNIE.
Euh,... Je suis pas sûr, peut-être les deux ? On a besoin d'un sobriquet avec style ?

PORTHOS.
J'y penserai... ... Ah, «La Jeunesse dorée» !

McKECHNIE.
Quelle coïncidence ! Notre camerade Flashy a suggéré le même sobriquet plus de bonne heure ce trimestre.

PORTHOS.
Sans aucun doute, nous sommes un peu du même bateau !...

Day 2, 12.00 p.m.: Aramis, Athos, Porthos, and the sans-culottes are assembled in one dormitory; each boy is wearing a red and black bobble-hat ...

ARAMIS.
À la ordre, mes copains. Merci. D'abord et d'une : il fait froid de canard dehors. (He checks everyone is wrapped-up.) Très bien ! Reprenons les détails encore une fois, s'il vous plaît. Le groupe de Porthos procurera les jeunes femmes. (P.'s group all nod.) Le groupe d'Athos se mettra en position, à intervalles, de la cour à l'abri à bateaux. (Athos's group all nod.) Et, ... pour terminer, mon groupe preparera le bateau. Est-ce qu'il y a toutes questions ?... C'est bien ! Pardonnez-moi le calembour, mais, exécution ! (Nervous, but quiet, laughs as the groups disperse.) ...

PORTHOS.
Allons leur dortoir ! (He whispers; then they tiptoe along to one of the girls' dormitories, and are standing outside.) Je jette un coup d'œil ! (He opens the door and has a quick look.) Bon, elles dorment comme des souches. (All the boys enter and, ever so carefully, transfer Constance and Malice to camp beds equipped with trolley wheels. Then, they pass from this dorm, down the back stairs, across the courtyard and the gardens, to the boathouse; on their arrival ...)

ARAMIS.
Bravo ! Mais, c'est la partie le plus difficile : Constance et Malice ne doivent pas se réveiller. (With infinite care, each trolley has its wheels removed and then each bed is placed in a boat attached to a long piece of rope; finally, each damsel in distress is covered with a red cloak ...)

ATHOS.
Bon voyage ! (He and three others push the tethered boat gently out into the lake; and when it stops ...)

McKECHNIE.
Porthos, mon ami,... Constance et Malice sont, bel et bien, dans le même bateau ! (Upon which all the boys collapse in uncontrollable laughter. ... At this point, in one of the staff bedrooms with an open window, Mlle Backson and M. Rochefort are in bed together ...)

Mlle BACKSON.
Moisi ?

M. ROCHEFORT.
Encore ?! (His tone is gently ironic.)

Mlle BACKSON.
Bôf ! Une fois suffit ! Non! Écoute ce bruit ! (She goes to the window.) Et, il y a des lumières près du lac... et un bateau sur le lac !

M. ROCHEFORT.
Miel ! L'esprit de «Milady» ? (He mutters under his breath in an enigmatic manner.) ... T'affole pas, ma petite chatte. D'abord, s'habillons, ... et puis découvrons les méfaits des étudiants, selon toute probabilité. (Both dress quickly and then make their way to the lake. ... Almost at the moment of their arrival, East sees them out of the corner of his eye.)

EAST.
Acré ! Mme le censeur et le professeur principal.

Mlle BACKSON.
Que personne ne bouge !... Alors, qui est dans le bateau !?

ATHOS.
Constance et Malice, Mlle Backson.

Mlle BACKSON.
C'est conduite extrêmement dangereuse ! On croit rêver !... Elles peuvent noyer si le bateau a chaviré ou elles peuvent mourir de froid ou... Mais, d'abord, à la rescousse !...

Day 3, morning: Dr. S. and the sans-culottes present their apologies to Father Richelieu; and then they travel back to Narkover — in silence apart from this one early exchange ...

FLASHMAN.
Monsieur ? Euh, ... Nous avons décidé d'appeler nous-mêmes «La Jeunesse dorée». Que pensez-vous de notre sobriquet ?

Dr. STUART.
Bôf ! Lorsque Mme Pond, femme de notre proviseur et sœur de M. Richelieu, apprend parler de votre conduite en France, ce pourrait être un cas de «La Jeunesse hongrée». (Each boy looks both puzzled and distinctly apprehensive.)

FLASHMAN.
Euh,... Monsieur, qu'est que vous entendez par «hongrée» ?

Dr. STUART.
Je suis toujours en vacances ! Regardez votre dictionnaire !


Dr. S.'s first lesson with the 4th-Remove after half-term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. I suspect that most, perhaps all, of you may consider that Dr. Stuart and joie de vivre is a good example of an oxymoron. (Puzzled frowns from the class.) However, such bonhomie I do have will be in absentia, for the simple reason that I spent an uncomfortable hour in the presence of Mrs. Pond, the Headmaster's wife — on the carpet, literally and metaphorically — attempting to defend the indefensible; to wit, your disgraceful behaviour in La Rochelle. The good lady has decided that my penance should be accompanying you and the other students to Sault Sainte Marie next half-term; a chore which I had confidently expected to pass me by. So, woe betide anyone who strains my patience beyond its elastic limit! (He peers over the top of his glasses, surveys the class, and looks pointedly at Flashman.) Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, um, ... what is an oxymoron?

Dr. STUART.
Good question, Mumford; one, I hope, that was on the lips of everybody else. (His tone is stern but encouraging.) Mmm, ... An oxymoron is 'a figure of speech in which two ideas of opposite meaning are combined to form an expressive phrase'; perhaps the most commonly used example is «bitter-sweet», although there are particularly notable examples in science. Would anybody care to be enlightened? (Chorus of "Oh, yes please, Sir.") Hmph! I wonder whether this newly acquired thirst for knowledge masks a hidden agenda; namely, 'we are in the dog-house, so let's humour this old fogey who is well past his sell-by date'. ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Sir, perish that cynical thought! ... As I think you might say if you were in better humour.

Dr. STUART.
Touché ! Truly, a splendid case of genuine wit. Pattullo, well done! ... The specific examples I referred to are part of 'acid-base' chemistry; so, as our point of reference, you will need to view the diagram of the pH scale. (The class root out, and then are looking at the following diagram.)

... First and foremost, would anybody care to comment upon this diagram? ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
The pH scale is linear, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
True. But your description is, perhaps unwittingly, both incomplete and slightly misleading. ... Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
The pH scale is linear, with unit changes, whereas that for the concentration of hydrogen ions changes in powers of ten?

Dr. STUART.
Malice, splendid! This diagram, which is both accurate and acceptable, scientifically, is an effective illustration of how differently a scientist and a layperson may perceive any given scientific topic. Now, moving on... Yes, East?

EAST.
Could you expand on that point, please, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, my pleasure! A layperson, who does not understand the relationship of pH to the concentration of hydrogen ions, will probably think that pH4 is «only» a bit more acid than pH6. By contrast, a scientist, who does understand the said relationship, would know that pH4 is 100 times more acid than pH6. Does that help, East?

EAST.
I think so, Sir. (His tone is uncertain.)

Dr. STUART.
If would overlook the pun, let me put that to the acid test. ... East, describe the difference between pH8 and pH11: but, so as not to receive a caustic response from me, ... (Groans from the class.) ... do look at the diagram! (East does so.)

EAST.
Um, ... pH11 is 1000 times more alkaline than pH8, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! The only unresolved question is ... whether any of you will bear in mind that nugget of understanding beyond the exams! Now, ... some of you may recall that in the very first lesson of term I peddled a couple of metaphors which likened your grey cells to thoroughbred horses. Well,... Yes, Unman?

UNMAN.
I think Flashman described one of them as "laboured", Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Indeed! ... Perhaps it was Flashman's idea of a back-handed compliment. (He gives F. a waspish glance.) Ever one to share a winning streak, I intend to pursue this equine theme by likening our chosen topic to show-jumping. Thus, I will write on the board nine equations: four pairs and one single, ... which could be considered as four «double jumps» and one «water jump», ... and which you can successfully negotiate if — and only if — you concentrate. So, grey cells: on guard!

First up! When hydrogen chloride is dissolved in an organic solvent, the solution formed does not conduct an electric current — which indicates the absence of free-moving ions. By contrast, when this gas is dissolved in water,

the aqueous solution of hydrochloric acid formed conducts an electric current strongly, because this 'strong' acid is completely dissociated; that is, the position of this equilibrium lies completely to the right:

Second up! When ethanoic acid is dissolved in an organic solvent, the solution formed does not conduct an electric current — which indicates the absence of free-moving ions. By contrast, when this liquid is dissolved in water,

the aqueous solution of ethanoic acid formed conducts an electric current weakly, because this 'weak' acid is partially dissociated; that is, the position of this equilibrium lies far to the left:

Third up! Water is often considered to be a purely covalent compound; but, even after extensive purification by repeated distillation, the purest sample of water still electric current very weakly. The usual explanation for this observation is that water undergoes very slight dissociation or ionization; that is, the position of this equilibrium lies almost completely to the left:

Fourth up! When ammonia gas is dissolved in water,

the aqueous solution of ammonia formed conducts an electric current weakly, because this dissociated; that is, the position of this equilibrium lies far to the left:

Last up! When sodium hydroxide is dissolved in water,

the aqueous solution of sodium hydroxide formed conducts an electric current strongly, because this 'strong' base is completely dissociated; that is, the position of this equilibrium lies completely to the right:

Dr. STUART.
Now, Class ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, ... um, ... throughout that sequence you classified the strength of those acids and bases by their dissociation into aqueous ions. Um, ... (Dr. S. nods encouragingly.) ... er, You didn't mention concentration at all. (He frowns.)

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Well done, Mumford! You have the followed the line of argument precisely. As you, yourself, have grasped, the descriptive terms 'strong' and 'weak', used in reference to acids and bases, are simply a qualitative measure of the extent of ionization or dissociation in water; they do not refer to the concentration of substance. ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
But, Sir, where does the oxymoron come into the picture?

Dr. STUART.
That, ... my thoroughbreds, ... is the subject of your prep this evening! (He gives each student a worksheet.) On this worksheet are the equations I have just written on the board and a table which, I hope, clearly reveals why oxymoronic phrases such as 'concentrated weak acid' and 'dilute strong base' are perfectly logical. (He copies the table on the board.) Now, ... (The bell rings.) ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Sir, somewhat curiously, this lesson appears to have been well prepared. What topic had you planned to cover today?

Dr. STUART.
Acids and bases, ... naturally. (He smiles.)

PATTULLO.
So, Sir, would it be fair to say that your introduction to today's lesson was just a shade disingenuous?

Dr. STUART.
Bôf! Perish the... (Chorus of "thought", and accompanying laughter, as he sweeps majestically from the room.) ...


The 4th-Remove's lesson with Dr. S. in the penultimate week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. Today, I... (Patullo interrupts.)

PATTULLO.
My apologies for interrupting, Sir, but please may we use this lesson to write up our projects?

Dr. STUART.
Certainly. Indeed, you have pre-empted the first part of my introduction. However, before you sharpen your quills, I wish to inform you of two of next term's biology topics; namely, biodiversity and evolution. To whet your appetite, I have prepared a conundrum for you to attempt to solve in the holidays. (He give each student a worksheet containing this diagram,

... and, after a minute or so ...) Now,... (Brown interrupts.)

BROWN.
But, Sir, this is just chemistry. (His tone is petulant.)

Dr. STUART.
Brown, I do not expect your French to be fluent: ... but, I do hope you recognize at least one of the three biological species referred to on this sheet; namely, la canne à sucre? (Brown nods.) Good. (He smiles encouragingly) I would be being disingenuous were I to suggest that you will find it easy to solve this conundrum; but, each of you should accept that, even if you fail to find the complete solution, any conscientious attempt will be rewarding, ... in two senses: expanding the mind and providing a partial platform for next term's studies. ... Now, with the deadline for your project submissions looming, I suggest you disappear to the library, ... that is the room ... (Chorus of "Thank you, Sir, we do know where it is!") ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

5. Metal ions are regarded as pollutants when, as a direct or indirect result of Man's activities, their concentrations in any given ecosystem increase. Popular attention invariably focuses on the toxic effects of ions which have little or no biological role; e.g., those of aluminium, cadmium, lead, and mercury. However, a correctly balanced perspective of pollution also requires an awareness of the potential toxicity of biologically essential ions; e.g., those of copper, iron, manganese, and zinc. Thus, although each species has evolved mechanisms of using, and adapting to, molecules and ions at their ambient concentrations, adverse effects occur at higher concentrations because such homeostatic mechanisms are overwhelmed.


6. Until relatively recently, biodiversity — the range of biological species in the biosphere — had been determined by natural selection. Now, however, three major artificial selection pressures are occurring: first, Man's unparalleled ability to misuse the environment (e.g., by emission of greenhouse gases, by depletion of the ozone layer, and by causing acid rain); second, in order to obtain more land suitable for crops, there is steady destruction of the (non-renewable) tropical rainforests, which is leading to the extinction of a countless number of naturally evolved species every year; and third, new organisms are being introduced into the biosphere as a result of the advances in both cross-breeding and recombinant DNA technology ... and the medium- to long-term effects of these introductions can only be guesstimated; in this context, albeit indirectly, it is worth reflecting upon the long-term environmental effects of CFCs, DDT, and leaded-petrol: despite their undoubted short term advantages to one species (Man).


7. "One day, I will metamorphose into a chrysalis and then after that into a beautiful butterfly," said the Caterpillar proudly. "Who, may I enquire, are you?" He continued in a rather patronizing tone. "Ich bin Frau Neumon," replied the Wasp.

________________________________________________________________________________________

9.02 a.m. On the penultimate day of the term, the 4th-Remove arrive in a music classroom late for their last lesson with Sig. Sal. ...

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore. (In apologetic tones)

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti! Mi dispiace, no lesson today. (A chorus of "Oh, Sir, what a shame!", in less than sincere tones.) Le pagella! (He holds aloft a sheaf of school term reports.) So, while I am writing polite fiction, you can either amuse yourselves very quietly or listen to this recording of a wind composition by my much maligned ancestor. (He plays a CD of Antonio Salieri's Serenata in B. And, up to the bell, Brown plays solitaire; Malice, Mumford, and Pattullo read through their projects; whilst the others talk together in a conspiratorial huddle.) ...


11.00 a.m. The girls' hockey match. [In the spirit of those exciting (if far-fetched) novels of yore, one might expect that the star of Narkover's hockey team was rescued from a deep water-well by pluck and derring-do, overcame all manner of obstacles in her efforts to return to — and so uphold the honour of — the school, and arrived just in time to score the winning goal by a piece of individual wizardry with her hockey stick. However, verisimilitude is obligatory. On the one hand, nothing untoward occurs before the match and the game itself is a disappointment (to wit, despite partisan support from the touchline, St. Swithin's beat Narkover 5-1), and on the other, the sans-culottes are unexpectedly conscientious in their attention to the details of erecting the temporary shower facilities.] The girls of the two teams are in their respective, makeshift changing rooms; in honour of Malice's consolation goal, the Narkover team allow their captain to be first with the hot water in the showers: meanwhile, the sans-culottes have placed themselves in a strategic position. ...

FLASHMAN.
Ready, Scud, ... tous? (Nods from those assembled.) Now is the time to discover whether Malice is a natural brunette: Scud, ... a drum roll, s'il te plâit! (East delivers a drum roll; Flashman tweaks one rope, and every side of the shower facility is exposed to the elements. The mocking taunts of the sans-culottes are short-lived because, contrary to their expectations, Malice makes no cries of modesty — but simply gives her onlookers an icy stare before covering herself with a towel in a dignified manner; then, after short period of silence ...) Merde! Jack, that was a bit of anticlimax.

MERRIDEW.
D'accord! But, ... who cares? (He shrugs his shoulders; then everybody starts laughing.) Ssh! We'd better scarper?

McKECHNIE.
Absolument pas! That would be an admission of guilt. No, if necessary, we'll bluff this one out. In the meantime, let's put this wretched contraption back together again. ...


2.00 p.m. In a laboratory, Dr. S. takes a roll-call for his last lesson of the term with the 4th-Remove ...

Dr. STUART.
Brown.

BROWN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
East.

EAST.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Lidell-Lonsdale. ... C'est triste...

ALICE.
Present, Sir! (Malice [Alice?], removes a head scarf to reveal flowing blonde hair. No facial reaction from Dr. S.; gasps of astonishment from the sans-culottes) Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
But, Sir, Alice left! Malice, her twin sister has been with us this term. (There is uncertainty in his voice.)

Dr. STUART.
Listen carefully! At the end of last term, as prep, I set you the task of finding out the meaning of three words: "disingenuous", "dissemble", and "dissimulate". Apart from Alice, nobody executed that prep: by contrast, Alice not only showed conscientiousness but also provided an exemplar with true style. ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
But, Sir, Malice said she was Alice's twin.

Dr. STUART.
Not so! Malice said, and I think I am recalling correctly: "You must of heard of identical twins who were separated at birth." (He glances at Alice [Malice?], who nods.) This is merely a platitude. ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Fair enough, Sir. I do agree that her statement does not, necessarily, indicate a relationship between Alice and her alter ego Malice: but, neither you nor Alice have presented any evidence for her true identity, ... after all, identical twins are formed from one fertilized ovum: and so they must have identical genotypes and phenotypes.

Dr. STUART.
As, apparently, you found out this morning in a spectacular display of mischief making. (He peers over the top of his glasses to glance briefly at each boy, each of whom squirms uncomfortably in his seat.) McKechnie, your astute analysis is correct; however, whether this proves to be an invaluable lesson to you, and your confrères, remains to be seen. Be that as it may, for the present at least, the true identity of this young lady will have to remain a mystery. Now, ... where ... (He looks down at the register.) Ah, McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Present, Sir. (Polite laughter from the class.)

Dr. STUART.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Piggy. Non? Même pas son esprit? (He smiles.) ... Unman.

UNMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Now, ladies and gentlemen. Regrettably, I have affairs of state to attend to, ... which, roughly translated, means I have reports to write, ... along the lines of 'Candy Floss has been trying this term'. (Amused expressions from the class.) So, against my better nature, ... (He smiles.) ... I will humour your finer instincts by allowing you to play the customary board and card games. However, before such «merriment» begins, we must attend to two outstanding matters. First, I would like your projects. (Each member of the class places his or her submission on Dr. S.'s desk.) Mmm, ... These are rather on the thin side; perhaps, for once, each of you has sacrificed quantity for quality? (His slightly ironic tone is softened by the hint of a smile.) And second, although I doubt whether you will use these holidays in a profitable manner, I am the eternal optimist: so, here is the title of next term's project. (He writes on the blackboard: "The Relationship between the Tropical Rainforests and Dresden.") ...


7.30 p.m. In the chapel, the students are present for an unscheduled assembly; the Headmaster lights a candle, leads a prayer, and then stays on his feet to deliver a notice ...

Mr. POND.
Good evening, School. (Muted tones.) I have called this assembly so that I may formally report some serious news — although the school's grapevine will probably have rendered my information superfluous. ... Just before high-tea, the Head Girl took an overdose of paracetamol. Thanks in large measure to the common sense shown by Popsy Rice, ... (He gives this girl a brief smile.) ... we were able to get her to Borchester Hospital as fast as possible after what was, one presumes, an accident. However, she's in a light coma and her... Flashman! (The entire school focus their eyes in F.'s direction.) This is most definitely not the time for immature behaviour; a sense of... (F. interrupts.)

FLASHMAN.
But, Sir, the candle flame ... (Mr. P. turns round.)

Mr. POND.
Mmm, ... I think it would be appropriate, at this time, to sing a suitable hymn: so, let us all sing ... Where have all the flowers gone. (He nods to the organist.) ...


8.30 p.m. In the chapel, the school's organ scholar and its principal chorister are both diligently practicing the Benedictus from Leopold Mozart's Missa Solemnis in C.


10.00 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, his lady wife — unaware of the day's events — is reclining in bed; Mr. Pond, who would be generously described as having a fuller figure, is standing in his pyjamas ...

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
Si c'est pas dans la vitrine, voyez dans le magasin !

Mr. POND.
Mais,... tu es enceinte ! (He looks and sounds shocked.)

Mrs. POND.
Oui,... une situation intéressante : tout est là ! Alors, je peux miser sur toi ?

Mr. POND.
Euh !... (He looks flustered.) Désolé, pas ce soir, j'ai la migraine. Je me sens un peu déprimé... (He sighs.) les étudiants... (He gets into bed, then turns out the light.)


10.00 p.m. In the pavilion, on a bitterly cold night, the sans-culottes of the 4th-Remove are assembled; each is wearing a black bobble-hat ...

McKECHNIE.
To order, gentlemen. First, Alice ... or Malice : ... any comments? (No response) Anybody? ... Spats?

PATTULLO.
Mmm, ... Since chapel, I've been wondering whether there are any parallels with that dreary set book by Priestly we did last term. I suspect that, in some way or other, we are all partly responsible because... (Wittering interrupts.)

WITTERING.
That's bollocks! We... (McKechnie interrupts.)

McKECHNIE.
Witters! That's well out of order; you know our cardinal rules are no cutting across the speaker and no swearing in English. Spats, please continue.

PATTULLO.
No. Not now. We don't even know her condition: so, any discussion may be... (East interrupts.)

EAST.
Acré! Both Barbydol and Bassy have put their lights out.

McKECHNIE.
Zut! ... Although, perhaps, that's a blessing in disguise. Well, gentlemen, 'til next term ... and Sault Sainte Marie!


10.00 p.m. To the strains of the final movement from Wolfgang Mozart's Ein Musikalischer Spass, Dr. S. — with barely a proverbial fig-leaf to cover his modesty — extinguishes a candle, walks over to his study's windows, and draws close the curtains; the playing fields are carpeted in snowdrops, and there are three ravens perched on the roof of the pavilion. ...

Playlet 3 (Summer Term 1) and Epilogue (Speech Day 1):
Il Proteo ò sia Il Mondo al rovescio and Missa pro defunctis