{Paraphrasing here, R. Dawkins wrote in River Out of Eden, Weidenfeld & Nicolson, London, 1995: "Francis Crick and James Watson, the joint recipients of the Nobel prize for Medicine in 1962, for unraveling the the molecular structure of DNA, should, I believe, be honored for as many centuries as Plato and Aristotle. Our whole understanding of life will go on being revolutionized again and again as a direct result of the change in thinking that those two men initiated in 1953. ..."}

Presented here, for the conscientious student wishing either to stretch or to enhance his or her abilities in an unorthodox manner, are four fragmentary points of discussion which could be mulled over at leisure.

Also included here, to leaven these fragments, are selected scenes from the final term of Narkover College's inaugural year as a co-educational establishment. [... An extract from the minutes of one Governors' meeting: "... The introduction of girls at Narkover should promote increased levels of academic attainment and emotional maturity for the boys. ..." Curiously, or otherwise, these minutes not only enshrine what may be an element of wishful thinking but also omit any reference to the benefits to le beau sexe ... if, indeed, there be any ...]

PLAYLET 3: Il Proteo ò sia Il Mondo al rovescio

11.00 a.m. In a laboratory, Dr. Stuart takes a roll-call for his first lesson of the term with the 4th-Remove (Year 10) ...

Dr. STUART.
Brown.

BROWN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
East.

EAST.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Malice A. Forthort.

MALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale.

ALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! I am glad to see that you ladies have recovered from previous trials and tribulations. ... McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Piggy: mort. ... Ms. Chalice Poison.

CHALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Welcome to the class, Chalice.

CHALICE.
Thank you, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Without wishing to appear impertinent, you do remind me of the deceased student Piggy.

CHALICE.
That is to be expected, Sir, because Xavier Piggy was my non-identical twin brother. (Audible intakes of breath by, and furtive glances between, the sans-culottes.) We were separated at birth; I was brought up in France, whereas Xavier was brought up here in England.

Dr. STUART.
On behalf of the class, I express our belated condolences for your personal loss. ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Sir, with Alice and Malice being identical twins who were also separated at birth, our class appears to be a grotesque parody of Shakespeare's Comedy of Errors.

Dr. STUART.
I am not sure that "grotesque" is a particularly felicitous choice of adjective. Moreover, being at such a tender age, I have reservations as to the desirability of you accepting the received wisdom of drawing parallels between various facets of contemporary life and Shakespeare's oeuvre. ... On the hand, ... (He looks pensive.) ... ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Sir, we're all agog!

Dr. STUART.
No matter, ... I was merely pondering, albeit vaguely, the possibility of your Year 11 projects incorporating selected scientific themes with Shakespeare's life or plays, or both. ... Unman.

UNMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Now, ladies and gentlemen. There is a rumour abroad that yours truly peddles the same lessons each academic year. (He observes Flashman whispering to Brown.) You agree, Flashman!?

FLASHMAN.
Oh no, Sir! Perish the thought!

Dr. STUART.
Indeed so! (His tone is severe.) However, in my defence, I would point out that one's teaching programmes are largely circumscribed by the syllabuses — which are, for better or worse, essentially invariant. (His tone is pompous.) Be that as it may, in a probably vain attempt to persuade one and all that I am not quite ready for the knacker's yard, my presentation of this term's work will be de novo. ... In particular, so to allow you the opportunity of understanding the biochemical basis of evolution and genetics — which are the focus of our studies after half-term — we need to revise and expand upon several of the previous two terms' topics. ... ... You may recall that, in digestion, the final hydrolysis products of fats are fatty acids and glycerol; those of carbohydrates are monosaccharides such as glucose: but what of proteins? (The class look blank.) I appreciate that all of you are environmentally sensitive souls: but, would you please make the noble sacrifice of disturbing the habitats of the moths in your notes? (He waits as the class hunt through their notes.) Brown!?

BROWN.
They are hydrolyzed to peptides and then to amino acids, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Just so! Good. ... And, it is this class of compounds which provides our starting point: so, please pay attention to the structural formulae I have drawn on the blackboard.

... As the general structural formula indicates, each amino acid has at least one amino and one carboxylic acid group; and, as perhaps exemplified by the two amino acids shown, the R group — usually known as the side group — may be simple or fairly complex. ... But, and this is an important caveat, amino acids do not belong to a single homologous series. ... Moths!! (The class again hunt through their notes.) East!?

EAST.
A homologous series is a group of compounds which have the same functional group or groups but different chain lengths or ring sizes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Now, at the beginning of last term, Flashman — in a rare moment when he was not trying my patience (F. looks mock aggrieved.) — reminded us that, despite some inevitable differences, all living organisms share similar biochemistry. (He gives F. a waspish smile.) For example, almost all living organisms biosynthesize their peptides and proteins from the same twenty amino acids; their structural formulae are given on Reference Sheet 1. (He gives one of same to each student.)

Reference Sheet 1

Dr. STUART.
... Unman?

UNMAN.
Yes, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Like several other members of the class, you have a haunted look. Ne timeas non! You are not required to learn either the names or the formulae of these amino acids. (Audible expressions of relief from the students.) Nevertheless, you will need to refer periodically to this reference sheet, ... starting tonight in prep. (Audible groans from the sans-culottes.) Quills ready? Good! First, name the four pairs of amino acids which are homologous to one another; second, name the two amino acids which are isomers of one another; third, explain briefly which amino acid you consider to be anomalous; and fourth, construct a molecular model of one amino acid. ... Yes, Alice?

ALICE.
Sir, won't we end up with twenty models of the simplest one?

Dr. STUART.
Good point! But, pray, which is the simplest amino acid? (Alice studies the sheet.) ...

ALICE.
Glycine, ... abbreviation Gly, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. To ensure that we have a molecular model of each amino acid, I have allocated one to each student ... and I will construct the remaining seven. Now, gather round, and I will show how a model of tryptophan is constructed. (The class gather round the dais, and watch Dr. S. constructing the model; then ...) Please be seated. I will leave the model kit in the library. In the meantime, up to the bell, you can exercise your grey cells with the first three parts of prep; I suspect that you will need to disturb those moths yet again. Cave blattae! (He smiles impishly.) ...


2.45 p.m. Signore Salieri's first lesson of General Studies with the 4th-Remove ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti!

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore. (In slightly patronizing tones.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Ecco, ... Some of you may remember, with varying degrees of warmth, playing the recorder in primary school. (Pained expressions from several members of the class.) However,... Yes, Wittering?

WITTERING.
Sir, at the back end of last term, Dr. Stuart set us a project entitled "The Relationship between the Tropical Rainforests and Dresden".

Sig. SALIERI.
Per me va bene! (He smiles.) And, Wittering?

WITTERING.
Well, Sir, we have been discussing the information gleaned from our background reading, ... and find «destruction» is apparently the only link; that is, the rainforests are being destroyed, ... and Dresden was almost completely destroyed in the Second World War. Any «piccolo» clues, Sir, please?

Sig. SALIERI.
Mah, ... I am not sure that I do. (He looks pensive.) ... Dresden — often referred to as Florence on the Elbe — was indisputably the artistic capital of Germany, and its museums and libraries contained an unparalleled diversity of cultural treasures. ... Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
The rainforests are the main repositories of the biosphere's gene bank, containing an unparalleled diversity of species.

Sig. SALIERI.
Malice, my knowledge of science is pretty limited, but you do appear to have implied one further link. Complimenti! Now, ... please may we return to the subject of my lesson!? In the 17th and 18th centuries, many composers — including, incidentally, several who were employed by, or associated with, the Dresden court — wrote compositions featuring the recorder as a concertante instrument. And, today, I thought you might like to listen to a couple of these: the first is a concerto con molti stromenti by Vivaldi, where I would like you to pay particular attention to the rôle of the four recorders; and the second is a concerto for flute, recorder, and strings by Telemann, who composed this at a period when the flute was starting to be preferred to the recorder. (He plays the CDs; members of the class show varying degrees of genuine and feigned interest.) ...


5.45 p.m. Sig. Sal. arrives outside Dr. S.'s study; inside, he is listening to music by Fasch. Sig. Sal. knocks on his door ...

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (Sig. Sal. enters.) Arsenio, this is a pleasant surprise. Are you seeking sanctuary from your lady wife?

Sig. SALIERI.
Ecco, ... Not this evening; Vespina has banished me from her domain whilst she's making jam. ... I frutti del sua lavora. (He mutters softly in an wistful tone.) ... Sorry. ... No, my dear Alec, I have called because the 4th-Remove sought my help with their project of yours.

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... Would you care for a sherry?

Sig. SALIERI.
Yes. Thank you. (Dr. S. pours each of them a dry sherry.)

Dr. STUART.
Please, do sit down. ... Oh, one moment. (He turns off the music.) Now, ... where were we? ... Ah, yes! Were you able to provide the Remove with any useful pointers?

Sig. SALIERI.
Perhaps one. They had established that destruction was one probable link, ... and, after I had drawn their attention to the wealth of cultural treasures in Dresden, Malice implied a second link by informing us that the rainforests contain an unparalleled wealth of living species.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Those links should act as veritable springboards for both the finer details and the two further links.

Sig. SALIERI.
And, ... these would be?

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... First, neither set of treasures had been completely catalogued prior to their destruction: so unknown amounts of both natural and cultural evolution have been irretrievably lost to future generations. For example, an indeterminate number of unique musical manuscripts were destroyed in the War — before they had been catalogued, much less duplicated. Similarly, an indeterminate number of unique species have been destroyed — before they have been catalogued or samples of their genetic material stored for posterity. And second,... (The bell for high-tea rings.) ... Oh dear! Never mind. Arsenio, another time perhaps? (Sig. Sal. nods.) ...


10.00 p.m. Mlle Gossâge, having completed her inspection of the Year 9 and 10 (three-girl) dormitories, is standing at one end of a corridor ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Girrrls! (She trills. Their high-spirited cacophony ceases immediately.) There can be no doubt that, compared to your male peers, you are the more mature for your age. (Lolli and Shandy, amongst others, surreptitiously move their teddy bears to less conspicuous positions.) However, one cannot rest on one's laurels. ... So, each weekday evening, there will be a reading period, during which time I will play a piece of classical music. Your... (Shandy interjects.)

SHANDY.
Oh super, Miss! Can we read anything we like?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Yes, within reason; ... providing it is of the improving variety — which, naturally, excludes those silly school-girl stories involving dormitory feasts, heroine worship of Dimsie the school's lacrosse captain, spiders in Mam'zelle's bath, ... and similar twaddle! ... Books out! Tonight's music is Vivaldi's violin and cello concerto, RV547. ...


10.30 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. Pond is browsing through his stamp collection; his (pregnant) lady wife is lying on the bed reading ...

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
J'ai besoin de sauce au chocolat.

Mr. POND.
Quelle bonne idée ! (As he reaches the door, he turns round and frowns.) Euh,... Pourquoi ?

Mrs. POND.
Puisque je suis enceinte de trois mois. (She looks up from her book and then starts to smile.) Gros bêta, va ! Tu pense que... Mais non ! Absolument pas !...


10.30 p.m. The sans-culottes are assembled in the pavilion ...

McKECHNIE.
To order, gentlemen. First, Chalice: ... any impressions or comments? ... Spats? Qu'est-ce que tu en penses?

PATTULLO.
Mmm, ... Rien du tout. I do, however, wonder whether Chalice will probe the circumstances surrounding Piggy's death.

WITTERING.
I doubt it; after all, the coroner's verdict was accidental death by drowning.

PATTULLO.
C'est juste, ... but the coroner had no knowledge of the incidental rôle of the school's cat.

WITTERING.
Bôf! And neither should Chalice! Moreover, I doubt whether any student remembers Fleabit, ... at least, consciously.

McKECHNIE.
Mmm, ... Caution must be our modus vivendi: so, I suggest that we steer well clear of Chalice, ... at least until we get to Sault Sainte Marie. On est d'accord? (General expressions of agreement.) Moving on, ... does anybody know where the three girls disappeared to during second prep?

UNMAN.
The library, presumably, because the rota showed only their models of Barbydol's amino acids required construction.

McKECHNIE.
Mmm ... Quelle heure? (He looks at his watch.) Any other business? ... No? ... À dortoir! ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

1. For decades, science textbooks have often included the incomplete acronym OILRIG (oxidation is loss reduction is gain): however, whether this has proven to be a useful aide-mémoire or an unwitting catalyst for confusion is a moot point. Thus, oxidation can be defined as 'the gain of oxygen', 'the loss of electrons', or 'an increase in oxidation number'; to the beleaguered student, and therefore putative scientist, these definitions are not self-evidently equivalent (and the first two may appear intuitively to be contradictory). One partial solution to this possible source of confusion might well be to use a more complete acronym: OILRIGE (oxidation is loss reduction is gain of electrons). A second, perhaps more attractive, partial solution could the routine (and mischievous) adoption of the word Olé (the acute accent may help remind one that an electron is negatively charged).


2. An(ode) There once was a damsel called Goldilocks, whose hobby was counting odd sox. She sat in her box, and said pox on you fox, because she always got flummoxed by red and by ox. So along came three bears, who rushed up the stairs, to sort out this mess for a lass in distress. And out of the blue came some bees, if you please, to see if they could help her too. There's no need to fuss, if you want the A plus, because an ode is so easy to suss. Simply feign you're in Spain, we know it's insane, and sing in the rain ... Olé! Honey!

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dr. S.'s second lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 1st week of term; he enters the room with molecular models of the twenty amino acids ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. I have here our molecular models for twenty amino acids, ... and, in addition, models of what appears to be farmyard animals. (He holds aloft some exemplars, and peers over the top of his glasses at the sans-culottes; each of whom has an expression of fresh-faced innocence.)

FLASHMAN.
Sir, why have you assumed that we are responsible?

Dr. STUART.
Bôf! Perish the thought! I am not accusing anybody: but, as the Dutch farmer said to his errant daughter, if the cap fits. ... ... For this lesson, you will require rough paper, Reference Sheet 1, and — to a fanfare of muted trumpets (The class look bemused.) — Reference Sheet 2! Brown, the honours, please. (B. hands out one of same to each student; Dr. S. allows the class a few minutes for perusal: then ...)

Reference Sheet 2

Dr. STUART.
In our last lesson, you exhumed — from your «moth-eaten» notes — the fact that, in digestion, peptides and proteins are hydrolyzed to amino acids. Not surprisingly, therefore, the characteristic reaction of amino acids is the opposite of hydrolysis, which is condensation; and, Sheet 2 shows a general reaction scheme for the condensation of two amino acids. ... Now, Malice, what does the '+ DE' term mean?

MALICE.
The reaction absorbs energy from its surroundings, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Well done! The reaction is endergonic, ... and the source of the energy is ATP; ... derived from?

MALICE.
Respiration, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Excellent! Now, ... Mumford, I think. What do you notice about the ends of each amino acid and each dipeptide? (M. studies the sheet carefully.)

MUMFORD.
They are the same, Sir!

Dr. STUART.
True, but be more precise!

MUMFORD.
Um, ... Each contains a free amino and a free carboxylic acid group, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Good. So, the characteristic reaction of a peptide will be?

MUMFORD.
Er, ... Condensation, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Just so! Now, as you can see from this sheet, 4 different dipeptides can be obtained from 2 amino acids. ... Would anybody care to guess how many different dipeptides can be obtained from these 20 amino acids? (Almost immediately, both Chalice and Zigo put up their hands.) Yes, Chalice?

CHALICE.
400, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
You agree, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Yes, Sir. 400 is 20².

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! ... Oh, ... I can that several of you are baffled. Both Chalice and Zigo have used permutation theory, which can probably be better explained by your Maths' teacher, Mr. Thompson. Nevertheless, rather than leave you suspended in a complete haze, I would like you to convince yourselves that 9 ... or 3² ... different dipeptides can be obtained from any three amino acids of your choice. Rough paper will do! (He waits for everybody to complete the task; Mumford is the last to finish.) Finished? Everybody? Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Yes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Good! Reel them off, reading from left to right, please.

MUMFORD.
Um, ... Ala-Ala, Arg-Arg, Asn-Asn, Ala-Arg, Arg-Ala, Ala-Asn, Asn-Ala, Arg-Asn, and Asn-Arg, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford, well done! ... For prep, ... not now, ... I would like you to write down the different linear tripeptides that can be obtained from three different amino acids. ... This number is? (Chalice and Zigo raise their hands immediately, followed by Alice, Malice, and McKechnie.) Yes, Alice!?

ALICE.
27, Sir, ... which is 3³.

Dr. STUART.
Excellent! ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Sir, you used the word "linear"; does that imply that cyclic peptides are possible?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, indeed; ... by intramolecular condensation of the amino and carboxylic acid groups. Cyclic peptides are relatively rare in Nature; ... the only one I can recall off-hand is present in 'ferrichrome', which is involved in the transport of iron into and within bacteria. (He looks at his watch.) Oh dear! We must press on! ... A protein consists of one, two, or several polypeptide chains, where each polypeptide contains between forty and hundreds of amino acid residues. ... And, the biological properties of any given protein are determined by the precise number and order of the amino acid residues in the polypeptide chain or chains. Although,... Yes, Unman?

UNMAN.
Sir, um, ... in a living organism, what determines the number and order of these residues?

Dr. STUART.
What an astute question! These two parameters are dictated by an organism's hereditary material; ... which is, rather serendipitously, the subject of our next lesson! ... Now, where was I? ... Ah, yes! ... I suspect that the admirable, but sadly vanishing, quality of politeness is suppressing your outward displays of either fever-pitched excitement or intense boredom. (He peers over the top of his glasses, and focuses on Flashman with a quizzical glint.)

FLASHMAN.
Oh, Sir. I'm hanging on your every word. (His tone is one of studied civility.)

Dr. STUART.
With good reason, I'm sure! (There is the merest twinkle in his eyes.) Mmm. ... But whether or not you have a thirst for more knowledge about proteins, I feel that expounding upon the details — albeit important details — of their chemistry at this time could well prevent you from acquiring at least a partial understanding of the biochemical basis of evolution and genetics. So, with an apparent disregard for continuity, we are going to re-focus our attention on the smaller peptides. ... From the mid-1970s onwards, scientists have been directing considerable attention to a group of oligopeptides known as endorphins, and... Yes, East?

EAST.
Sir? Oligopeptides?

Dr. STUART.
Ah! ... Broadly speaking, oligopeptides contain between 5 and 40 amino acid residues, whereas polypeptides contain more than 40 residues. ... These so-called endorphins have been shown to have a broad range of biological rôles: but, only one of these will concern us here. Specifically, two pentapeptide endorphins — commonly known as enkaphalins — have been shown to behave chemically like morphine and related opiates; that is, they act as the body's natural pain killers. ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Sir, what does the term "endogenous" mean?

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... Endogenous means 'grown within'. ... Yes, Flashman? (He partially suppresses a gentle sigh.)

FLASHMAN.
Sir, by analogy, could one refer to morphine, codeine, and thebaine as 'exogenous opiates'?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, ... I suppose one could; though I am fairly sure that they are invariably referred to simply as opiates. ... Now, are there any more questions? ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Sir, plants do not experience pain, do they?

Dr. STUART.
Correct, ... or, strictly speaking, there is no evidence to suggest that they do.

BROWN.
So, why do they need to biosynthesize opiates?

Dr. STUART.
Your question is hardly germane to the focus of our studies.

BROWN.
That may be so. But, with all due respect, aren't you being a shade disingenuous with your comment? (Approving glances from the rest of the class.)

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! ... Hoist with my own petard! (He smiles.) However, rest assured, Class, your «fallen idol» will provide a clear answer to Brown's question next lesson. (The bell rings.) Ah! The sweet concord of music! ... Class dismissed!


Dr. S.'s first lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 2nd week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. (He peers over the top of his glasses.) Oh dear! We barely have a quorum! Where are the others?

BROWN.
Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo have all been in the sanatorium since the weekend, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
That is unfortunate. I hope they are comfortable.

UNMAN.
No, Sir. The doctor thinks that they may have contracted a rare type of food poisoning: so Matron has been giving them liberal doses of laxative. (Dr. S. partially suppresses a smile.)

Dr. STUART.
There is something piquant about the self-styled jeunesse dorée being tucked up in bed in standard-issue pyjamas.

CHALICE.
Sir, we girls have them sent a spray of flowers.

Dr. STUART.
How solicitous! And the variety?

CHALICE.
Atropa belladonna, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mmm! ... No comment! ... ... Disappointingly, the absence of Flashman et al. means I will have to postpone my planned lesson.

ALICE.
But, Sir, what about the answer to Brown's question?

Dr. STUART.
Ah! Yes, indeed. Mmm, ... A partial answer is as follows. ... Plants use glucose, produced by photosynthesis, mainly in two ways: first, as a respiratory substrate to release the ATP required for endergonic processes such as active transport and biosynthesis; and second, as the substrate for the synthesis of all the other compounds required for growth and reproduction; ... examples of these so-called primary metabolites include growth substances, nucleic acids, oils, polysaccharides, and proteins. ... Now, most of the other compounds synthesized by plants are biocides; thus, in order to discourage insect predators, many plants have evolved an ability to biosynthesize their own insecticides; ... examples of these secondary metabolites include atropine, caffeine, codeine, morphine, mustard, and nicotine. ... Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
Sir, you did say "most of the other compounds are biocides". Am I correct in assuming that some are not?

Dr. STUART.
You are, indeed. Well listened! Plants also synthesize a number of nitrogenous excretion products; tannin is but one example. However, these are usually produced in relatively small quantities because, in contrast to animals, plants as autotrophic organisms do not waste their nutrients. ... Now, are there any other questions? ... No? ... Fair enough. I suggest that you go the library and utilize the rest of this lesson on the project. ...


Dr. S.'s second lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 5th week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. Having completed our background work for the field trip to Sault Sainte Marie over half-term, I think we should return to our studies on the biochemical... (Under his breath, Flashman utters "Oh, bloody hell!") Flashman!?

FLASHMAN.
I'm sorry, Sir. I didn't mean to be rude, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
I should hope not! (His tone is severe.) Nevertheless, I suspect that you have probably expressed something akin to your true feelings. Would I be correct in assuming that you find these lessons boring?

FLASHMAN.
Um, ... Sir, would you prefer an honest or a polite answer?

Dr. STUART.
Those adjectives are not, necessarily, mutually exclusive!

FLASHMAN.
Yes, Sir. Well, ... you have already implied that no part of this half-term's topic will be examined, ... and I, for one, have no intention of studying Science after Year 11. So, sorry, Sir, I really don't see the point.

Dr. STUART.
Strictly speaking, there is none, ... (The entire class look flabbergasted.) ... in the sense that these rudiments of biochemistry will probably not help you one jot in answering questions in the public examinations. But, I am reasonably confident that they will provide you with at least a partial understanding of the biochemical basis of evolution.

FLASHMAN.
Fair enough, Sir; I'm prepared to accept your raison d'être. But, surely devoting so much time to this «extra-curricular» material is a bit rough on the majority of us who will not be studying Science further?

Dr. STUART.
Once again, I empathize with your point of view. But, I put forward a caveat for you all to consider: there is anecdotal evidence that, despite glittering successes in the Year 11 public exams, those who do not continue with Science will be scientifically illiterate throughout the rest of their lives; ... and, in so far as mature adults should make reasoned and informed choices in our ever-changing world, one could view this as a damnable indictment on «education» as it continues to be perceived. ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Sir, are you suggesting that all of us should study Science beyond Year 11?

Dr. STUART.
Merridew, unwittingly or otherwise, Flashman has introduced a topic of inestimable importance: but, regrettably, this is neither the time nor the place for its discussion. ... So,... (Merridew interrupts.)

MERRIDEW.
But, Sir,... (Dr. S. holds up his hand.)

Dr. STUART.
No! I am sorry, but I would like to make progress. (Frowns from several of the class.) For this lesson, you will need Reference Sheets 1 and 2, and, ... to no fanfare of trumpets, (He smiles.) ... Reference Sheet 3. ... Yes, Wittering?

WITTERING.
Sir, are there any more of these reference sheets to come?

Dr. STUART.
No, I am pleased to say. (As one, the class smiles.) Well, ... (The class emit a mixture of barely audible sighs and groans.) ... no, not this side of half-term. (He smiles.) Merridew, the honours, please. (With a distinct lack of grace, M. hands out one of same to each student.; Dr. S. allows a minute or so for perusal by the class: then, ...)

Reference Sheet 3

Dr. STUART.
Aside from recombinant DNA technology, the determination of DNA's structure and the elucidation of the genetic code have been the two most significant advances in the 20th century, not least because they underpinned two of the 19th century's most important: Darwin's theory of evolution and Mendel's laws of heridity. But, regrettably, in order that you can be «monarchs of all you survey», I intend to omit discussing either the topology or topography of DNA. ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir? Topology? Topography?

Dr. STUART.
Oh! Have I not introduced these terms before? (As one, the class shake their heads.) Hmph! ... Topology refers to the types of atoms and their connectivity: whereas, topography refers to the spatial relationship between the atoms. ... Now, ... after examining Sheets 2 and 3, can anybody tell me the fundamental difference between peptides and nucleotides in the way the monomers are connected? ... ... Yes, Chalice?

CHALICE.
I think so, Sir. (Her tone is one of doubt.) In an oligo- or polypeptide, the amino acid monomers are bonded together directly, whereas in an oligo- or polynucleotide ... (Dr. S. nods encouragingly.) ... the DNA bases are bonded together indirectly via ribose-sugar and phosphate?

Dr. STUART.
Magnificent! Chalice, well done, indeed! ... Mmm, ... DNA's topography — particularly its double helix structure — is of crucial importance in cellular division; however, I do feel that a bird's-eye-view of this topic is perhaps best achieved by background reading: should, of course, you wish to do so! (He executes a drum roll.) ... The Genetic Code relates the four letter «language» of the bases to the twenty letter «language» of the genetically controlled amino acids. ... A triplet of adjacent bases, read from left to right, called a codon, codes for an amino acid; for example, valine, Val, is coded by GTT, GTC, GTA, and by CTG. ... Now, East, which triplets code for histidine, His?

EAST.
Um, ... (He studies the sheet.) ... CAT and CAC, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Good! (East looks chuffed.) And now, Flashman, I think! Which is the only triplet which codes for tryptophan, Try?

FLASHMAN.
Um, ... TGG, Sir. (His tone is rather dismissive.)

Dr. STUART.
Correct, Flashman; though I fail to see why you should adopt such a graceless tone. (He sighs.) There are, in addition to the triplets which code for the amino acids, three which code for the end of a peptide chain; these so-called STOP codons are TAA, TGA, and TAG. ... We are now in position to state the genetic codes, or base sequences, for any peptide! And, I will use an «old friend», the dipeptide Gly-Gly, to exemplify this happy state of affairs; so, please study this diagram I am going to write on the board. (He does so.)

Dr. STUART.
Clearly, this is just one of the codes or base sequences for Gly-Gly; and your first task is to write down an alternative one for Gly-Gly. Rough paper will do! (The class get busy; and Dr. S. walks round to check each student's answer.) ... ... Well done, Class! Everybody appears to have grasped the idea; ... and a couple of you — Flashman and Zigo — have shown a touch of imagination by using different codons for both glycine and the end. Flashman, your example, please!

FLASHMAN.
TAA, GGU, GGC, TGA, Sir. (His tone is one of distinctly forced breeziness.)

Dr. STUART.
Good. ... Your second task, everybody, is to write down one base sequence for each of the other three dipeptides given on Sheet 2; I will come round and check your answers. (The class get busy again; and Dr. S. walks round ...) ... ... Splendid! (The bell rings.) Oh dear! Wait! For prep, I would like you to write down one base sequence for each pentapeptide; that's to say, both enkaphalins! Class dismissed!


Dr. S.'s lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 6th week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. I am sure that all of you will be pleased, or relieved, to know that today's lesson is the focal point of our studies. But, before «cutting to the chase», I want to exercise your grey cells with an ostensibly unrelated topic: namely, the prediction of the possible relationships between two variables. ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Sir, I don't really understand ... unless, um, ... you are talking about hypothesis testing. (He shakes his head.)

Dr. STUART.
I am, indeed. Well done, Brown. (B. looks both chuffed and slightly confused.) Class, might a specific example disturb the mothballs? (As one, the class nod their heads.) Listen very carefully! Broadly speaking, there are three possible relationships between the two variables in this hypothesis: "As the amount of amylase-enzyme, the independent variable, is increased, the rate of hydrolysis of starch, the dependent variable, will ..., or ..., or ..." (The class get busy, and Dr. S. walks round.) Good! Although I have no idea why three of you should choose to spell both "independent" and "dependent" with an A. (He sighs.) Now, Unman, I think; please read your complete sentence, slowly, pausing at each punctuation mark.

UNMAN.
"As the amount of amylase-enzyme, the independent variable, is increased, the rate of hydrolysis of starch, the dependent variable, will increase, or stay the same, or decrease."

Dr. STUART.
Good. We are now in prime fettle for the final canter! ... Class, all of you satisfactorily completed the prep on the base sequences of the two enkaphalins; though it remains one of the minor mysteries of life why most males of the species submit work on paper which has all the appearance of a failed attempt at origami. (He sighs.) ... Please pay the closest attention to the contents of the blackboard. (He uncovers same, to reveal these diagrams:)

Dr. STUART.
The top diagram shows one of the correct base sequences for Leu-enkaphalin; in prep, several of you provided different but equally correct codes for the normal gene: so, do not be miffed by my choice! ... From this reference point, we will consider, first, how mutations can occur, and second, what are the possible effects of any given mutation. ... ... A mutation is the spontaneous but random change in the base sequence of a polynucleotide. As the three lower diagrams indicate, a mutation can occur by deletion, by substitution, or by addition; and the resulting mutant gene codes for the biosynthesis of a different polypeptide. ... ... Now, if the mutation occurs in a reproductive cell, then the mutant gene can be inherited by the organism's offspring, whose chances of surviving to reproductive maturity will ...? Alice!?

ALICE.
Increase, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Or ...? Chalice!?

CHALICE.
Stay the same, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Or ...? Malice!?

MALICE.
Decrease, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Let us now consider each mutation in more detail. A «favourable» mutation is one where the mutant gene codes for a peptide or protein which increases the chances of an organism's offspring surviving to reproductive maturity, and so produce offspring which will also inherit this favourable mutation; clearly, over time, the frequency of this mutant gene will ...? Yes, East?

EAST.
Increase, Sir? (Dr. S. nods and smiles warmly.)

Dr. STUART.
A «neutral» mutation is one where the mutant gene codes for a peptide or protein which neither increases nor decreases the chances of an organism's offspring surviving to reproductive maturity. And, an «unfavourable» mutation is one where the mutant gene codes for a peptide or protein which decreases the chances of the organism's offspring surviving to reproductive maturity. ... ... Now, put your «thinking caps» on! We have four possibilities: the normal gene; the favourable mutant; the neutral mutant; and, the unfavourable mutant. Which one do you consider to be the most important for evolution? (Slowly, but surely, all the class put up their hands.) ... No! Write down your answer on rough paper, and I will come round and check. (They do; he does, and then he sighs in gentle but deep satisfaction.) Well done! Absolutely magnificent! The answer is, Class?

CLASS.
The favourable mutant, Sir!! (In near unison.)

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! ... I have, albeit just for now, two caveats. ... First, we have used the two enkaphalins as reference points, partly because they have been extensively studied in Homo sapiens, although they do occur in countless other «simpler» organisms, ... and partly because of their simple structure. Each living organism typically contains tens of thousands of oligo- and polypeptides, each one of which is coded for by one or more genes or base sequences; and, in turn, each gene can mutate! Second, mutations occur naturally all the time; although their frequencies are increased by certain types of radiation and chemicals. However, in Nature, all mutations are non-directional; that is, they do not occur either as a response to changes in the environment or with the aim of increasing the chances of an organism's offspring surviving to reproductive maturity. (He mops his brow in a theatrical manner.) ... Oh dear! I'm a mere shadow of my former self. (He sighs.) Yes, Flashman?

FLASHMAN.
Sir, am I now «monarch of all I survey»? (Dr. S. smiles.)

Dr. STUART.
Indeed you are, ... though, perhaps, without fully realizing your position. I suspect, and certainly hope, that each one of you has questions; these I will address after half-term. In the meantime, I have prepared a Table which may provide partial answers to some of your questions. McKechnie, the honours, please. (Mc. hands one of same to each student.)

This Table provides a comparative summary of two (of several) possible mechanisms for the development of white coat colour in Ursus maritimus (polar bear) from — as a purely hypothetical example — Ursus arctos (brown bear); 'gradual' evolution (occurring over many generations) and 'punctuated' evolution (occurring within a few generations).
'Gradual' evolution	'Punctuated' evolution
1. Consider a population of brown bears which had migrated to the Arctic — so becoming isolated from other brown bears.	1. Consider a population of brown bears which had migrated to the Arctic — so becoming isolated from other brown bears.
2. As a results of mutations, followed by the exchange of genetic material via meiosis and random fertilization, there was variation in coat colour within this population — ranging from dark brown through to light brown.	2. In the ovaries of one bear, a mutation occurred which resulted in a gene or dominant allele whose base sequence coded for white (protein) coat colour.
3. Carnivorous bears obtain food by hunting prey and, inevitably, there was competition for food. [Bôf! No honey!?]	3. Carnivorous bears obtain food by hunting prey and, inevitably, there was competition for food. [Bôf! No porridge!?]
4. Bears with the lightest coat colours were best adapted to the white environment of snow, because they were better camouflaged to prey, and so obtained more food.	4. Her offspring, with white coat colour, were best adapted to the white environment of snow, because they were better camouflaged to prey, and so obtained more food.
5. As, here, the agent of natural selection is food, more of their offspring survived to reproductive maturity; and, in turn, their offspring inherited alleles coding for the lightest coat colours.	5. As, here, the agent of natural selection is food, more of their offspring survived to reproductive maturity; and, in turn, their offspring inherited the allele coding for white coat colour.
6. Accordingly, the frequency of the alleles coding for the lightest coats have increased within the gene pool of this population.	6. Accordingly, the frequency of the allele coding for white coats has increased within the gene pool of this population.

MERRIDEW.
But, Sir, you said there would be no more reference sheets this side of half-term. (His tone is slightly petulant.)

Dr. STUART.
Give me strength! (He sighs deeply, and then takes a deep breath.) ... I accept that this Table could be regarded as another reference sheet: but, I have prepared it merely for your edification or enlightenment or delectation — call it what you will. (He shrugs.) ... Merridew, your mild display of petulance does you no credit whatsoever; after all, you are not lacking grey cells!

MERRIDEW.
Now you're patronizing me, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Not at all! (He stares hard at M.) You are as aware as I am that all of these sheets can be consigned to the waste-paper basket. Perhaps, like advice, the recipient has the choice of acceptance or rejection, ... preferably after due and careful consideration. ... And, with that salutary note in mind, all of you can now disappear to your dormitories to check that you have packed everything required for our trip to Sault Sainte Marie tomorrow. À bientôt! ...


Day 1: The 4th-Remove, together with Mlle G., Sig. Sal., and Dr. S., travel to Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario, Canada. [Where they meet up with Year 10 counterparts from Gage High School (Boston, Massachusetts, U.S.A.), Lycée Villiers (La Rochelle, Charente-Maritime, France), and Montgomery College (Montréal, Québec, Canada); their peers include Jean-François Porthos, Joseph Boulogne, and Huckleberry Fiennes (from L.V., M.C., and G.H.S., respectively).] ... Mlle Gossâge's geography lesson, delivered in French during the transatlantic flight, is mercifully brief. ["Un petit peu de géographie : La rivière Sainte-Marie sépare le Canada des États-Unis sur une distance de 101 km ; elle prend sa source du lac Supérieur, à l'ouest, et se déverse dans le lac Huron, au sud-est."]

Day 2, morning: The combined party of 60 students and 12 staff cross the 1.6 km international bridge over St. Mary's River to Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, for a lecture on the Canals presented by Major Franklin (a dapper looking gentleman in his late 50s). ...

MAJOR FRANKLIN.
Good morning! My name is Major B. I. Franklin and, before my retirement, I was in the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers, the servicemen and women who maintain the American side of the Sault Ste. Marie Canals, known hereabouts as the Soo Canals. ... In deference to my splendidly cosmopolitan audience, ... I have modified my standard lecture, to local high school students, so as to give you a little more of the historical background before the construction of the first American locks in 1855. But, before doing so, you must appreciate why the systems of locks are necessary. ... There is roughly a 6 meter drop between Lake Superior, to the west, and Lake Huron, to the south-east: so, systems are in place to ensure cargo ships can travel throughout the Great Lakes waterway. ... And now a little history ... (During the historical part of his lecture, Pattullo and Boulogne, amongst a few others, scribble away furiously.) ... The French explorer Étienne Brulé landed here in 1618, in his search for a Northwest passage. ... ... In 1668, the Jesuits established a mission under Father Jacques Marquette. ... ... ... As a result, in 1787 this part of Sault Sainte Marie was ceded by the French to the U.S. ... ... Surprisingly, perhaps, the first canal was built on the Canadian side in 1797: but was destroyed by American troops in the 1812 War of Independence. ... ... ... (About forty minutes later ...) ... And, that brings us up to the present day. Thank you for being a most attentive audience. (Spontaneous and warm applause by one and all.)

Day 2, afternoon: Following brunch, the combined party fly in a fleet of helicopters to a temporary camp site on the east side of Drummond Island. After refreshments, the students assemble in the communal tent for the formal introduction by Mr. Brummel. ...

Mr. BRUMMEL.
Good afternoon, everyone! ... My name is Mr. James Oliphant Brummel IV, and I am the senior teacher of Biology at Gage High School in Boston. I have been given the honor of being the director of the American phase of our combined ecology study; that is, here on Drummond Island. M. Fouquet, of Montgomery College, ... (He smiles warmly at, and makes a gracious gesture in the direction of, this man.) ... will be directing our affairs when we move to Cockburn Island in a couple of days time. ... ... Each of you has certainly been briefed about the scope of our field study, and I hope each of you has carefully read the information pack; ... superbly produced, if I might say so, by the Canadian staff. Nevertheless, I will hand over to my wife, Mrs. Brummel, to color in a little of the background. (He nods to Mrs. B.)

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Jim. Good afternoon, everyone! Biologists have always found islands to be fruitful places to study; Charles Darwin in the 19th century, and Edward Wilson in the 20th century, are just two of the innumerable distinguished men and women to do so. ... In particular, islands have proven to be ideal natural laboratories for investigating both the colonization and extinction of species. And, it is in this context, that our field study on the two islands is focused primarily. Specifically, we will be looking at the numbers and patterns of distribution of Short-Horned Bugs, which are more correctly known as Homoptera-Auchenorrhyncha. ... This class of insects includes many species of leafhoppers; for example — please look at page 4 of your information pack now — those with binomial names such as Calamovilfa longifolia, Limotettix divaricatus, and Sogata nigridorsum. (She nods to Mr. B.)

Mr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Honeybun, ... I mean, Mrs. Brummel. (Ripples of laughter from the student body.) ... Now, I would like to introduce you all to M. Fouquet. (He nods to same.)

M. FOUQUET.
Good afternoon. ... My name is M. Fouquet. In addition to being the senior lecturer in Biology at Montgomery College, Montréal, I am an affiliate of the Ontario Natural Heritage Information Centre. This body, which maintains Ontario's Biological and Conservation Database, has, unsurprisingly, developed close working relationships with several American bodies, including the Nature Conservancy and Michigan State University. ... Although none of the data you students will collect, on either island, will be entered into the above database, we will adopt standard ecological practices, as outlined in your information packs. ... In particular, you must consider each living organism to be genetically unique. In practice, this is certainly not true because all living species produce, either by accident or by design, biological clones. (He glances briefly at Alice and Malice, which, in turn, has an amusing effect on the students.) Nevertheless, whilst you may use nets to trap organisms temporarily, for the purposes of identification, I would ask you not to kill any organism. Obviously, should you have difficulty with identification, ... and field work with small insects, in particular, can often be frustrating, ... please either take an instant photo or ask for help from the nearest member of staff. (He nods to Mr. B.)

Mr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Sir. ... And now I would like to introduce you to M. Rochefort, who will be organizing each evening's entertainment. (He nods to same.)

M. ROCHEFORT.
Bienvenue! My name is M. Moisi Rochefort, and I'm the Senior Teacher at the Lycée Villiers in La Rochelle; a large town on the western coast, in roughly the middle of France. ... This evening, Pierre Aramis, one of my students, will be presenting a concert of folk music with his friends from each of the other schools. My diary is otherwise blank, so please come forward and volunteer. Merci, et bonne chance! (He nods to Mr. B.)

Mr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Sir. ... Lastly, I would like to remind everybody that lights must be out by 2200, ... (He waits for the good-natured groans to subside.) ... because reveille is at 0600! ... (He waits for the less than good-natured groans to subside.) Time and tide waits for no leafhopper! ...

Day 2, early evening: After the evening meal, the staff and students assemble in the central area of the site for a concert given by Aramis [cornemuse (bagpipes) and vielle à roue (hurdy-gurdy)], Boulogne [violin and viola], Fiennes [guitar and mandolin], and Pattullo [flutes and guitar]; these four, who play Breton and Cape Breton folk music for about an hour, conclude their set with a new arrangement of Weissberg's Duelling Banjos and Armand-Louis Couperin's L'Enjouée.

Day 2, late evening: Assembled are Aramis, Athos, Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Porthos, Wittering, and Zigo ...

McKECHNIE.
Euh, ... (He looks round.) On est huit. (He addresses the French students.) English ... ou français?

ARAMIS.
English is fine. We need to practise! (He smiles.)

McKECHNIE.
Good. Mmm, ... First of all, where are the others?

PORTHOS.
Spats and Le Chevalier said they wanted to talk about this morning's lecture on the Soo Canals. (He shrugs.)

MERRIDEW.
Huck was rather dismissive; all he said was "You've got to be kiddin! We're gonna check out the chicks."

ATHOS.
Qu'est-ce ... No! Er, ... What does that mean?

MERRIDEW.
Flashy, your province, I believe?

FLASHMAN.
J'y penserai. ... Ah! "Check out the chicks", en français, peut-être, "Prendre un jeton ... ou ticket ... des nanas". Tu compris, Michel?

ATHOS.
Ah, oui! Thank you, Flashy. (He smiles warmly.)

McKECHNIE.
What about Scud and the others?

ZIGO.
Huh! Would you credit this!? ... They said they'd prefer to talk to the Canadians. (He shrugs.)

McKECHNIE.
Oh! Never mind. To business! Has anybody any ideas about the girls?

WITTERING.
Yes, I do! Might I suggest a variation on what we did in La Rochelle; you know, our version of Milady's execution scene in The Three Musketeers. (Nods of approval all round.)

ARAMIS.
Go on, Vitters! (The English students laugh gently.)

WITTERING.
Well, when the girls are asleep, we place them on a raft on the beach; cover them with red cloaks; and, then, wait for the tide to come in! (More nods of approval.)

ZIGO.
That sounds cool to me. But, ... what about a cat?

PORTHOS.
Cat!? Why a cat?

ZIGO.
Ah! Chalice's brother, Piggy, ... now dead, ... was allergic to cats; and I'd guess that Chalice will be also.

PORTHOS.
Euh, ... I see. A nice touch!

McKECHNIE.
Is everybody agreed? (Complete expressions of agreement) We'll leave planning the details until tomorrow evening. One question remains: when shall we carry out this nonsense?

FLASHMAN.
Tomorrow at midnight?

PORTHOS.
No! We should wait until we get to Cockburn Island; this would give the girls — how you say — a false sense of security?

McKECHNIE.
Good point! I agree with Jean-François. ... In the meantime I suggest we circulate within camp site; both Barbydol and Fromage-Rassis keep on giving us suspicious looks. ...

Day 3, morning and afternoon: The students, in 15 multi-national groups, work conscientiously on the ecology project.

Day 3, early evening: After the evening meal, the staff and students assemble in the central area of the site for poetry readings in English and French — with the poet Longfellow given pride of place.

Day 4, early morning: Assembled in the communal tent for breakfast are almost all the students, chattering away in good spirits. A bell rings loudly and persistently; complete silence follows. Dr. S. rises to address everybody ...

Dr. STUART.
Most regrettably, I have some serious news to report. ... At about 5.30 this morning, a Canadian marine vessel found, washed up on the beach of Cockburn Island, the remains of a raft, three red cloaks, and various items of clothing which belonged to three British students: ... namely, Ms. Malice Forthort, Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale, and Ms. Chalice Poison. ... Not surprisingly, my colleagues and I feel that it would be inappropriate for our students and ourselves to continue with this collaborative ecological study. Accordingly, I hope you will accept our most sincere apologies. We will be returning to England immediately. (He motions to the boys to leave the tent and start packing; they do so.)

Day 4, morning: The 4th-Remove, Mlle G., Sig. Sal., and Dr. S., fly from Drummond Island to Sault Ste. Marie, and, from there, travel back to Narkover.


Dr. S.'s first lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 7th week of term; several of the sans-culottes are in a high-spirited mood ...

Dr. STUART.
Silence!! ... ... (Very softly.) Please. I would have hoped that today, at least, you would have shown respect. Without the girls, it is as if three candles have been extinguished from our class. ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Sir, we were not responsible for the girls' deaths.

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! I can assure you that you are responsible. The items collected bore your trademarks, with their close parallels to your dangerous escapade in La Rochelle last half-term. (All the class look slightly guilty, with F., Me., Mc., W., and Z. also looking confused.) ... Yes, Zigo!?

ZIGO.
But, Sir, Duncan is telling the truth. I do admit we were planning an escapade, as you put it; and I do accept that it did have elements of danger for the girls: but our plan was to be executed on Cockburn Island. Honest, Sir.

MERRIDEW.
Yes, Sir, Ziggy is right. And, our plan included Constance Bonacieux along with the girls; perhaps, since the tragedy did not involve her, the French students double-crossed us.

Dr. STUART.
Double-crossed!? Heavens above! You are beginning to sound like a character in some third-rate spy novel. ... However, because you are so sure about not being responsible, let us consider that aspect. ... ... I gather you have studied, as a set book, one in which a police inspector investigates the death of a servant? ... Yes, Unman?

UNMAN.
Priestley's An Inspector Calls, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Correct. ... Now, what does that inspector show about that ghastly family? ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Um, ... That they were all responsible for her suicide, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Just so! Regrettably, the author does not go on to explore the consequences of her death on that family; for example, would they have changed for the better? ... Now, you all have studied at least one other set book which has distinct parallels with An Inspector Calls. (As one, the class look blank.) ... ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... May we have a clue, please, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Certainly. An island ... boys of your own age ...

CLASS.
Oh, Lord of the Flies, Sir! (In near unison.)

Dr. STUART.
Indeed. Two deaths, neither of them murders, occur within the novel. A third death, which would have been a murder, is forestalled by the providential arrival of whom on the beach? ... Yes, Wittering?

WITTERING.
The naval officer, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. Now, who is responsible for the deaths of Piggy and Simon? ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Um, ... All the boys, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Correct. Regrettably, once again, the author does not go on to explore the consequences of these deaths on the surviving boys; indeed, what happens after the novel ends is surely of at least equal importance to what has occurred within it? (His tone changes from a neutral to a dismissive one.) On the other hand, judging from your response to the events on Drummond Island, perhaps one should assume that the survivors in Lord of the Flies would have been unaffected. ... ... Be that as it may, you have studied a play in which the dramatist does explore the twin themes of responsibility for and consequences of death. ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Macbeth, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Just so! Now,... (Merridew interjects.)

MERRIDEW.
But, Sir, Shakespeare was the better writer.

Dr. STUART.
You are almost certainly correct: but, with respect, you are merely peddling a received opinion. Each work of an author should be considered on its merit, rather than uncritically accepting an author's reputation at large. ... Yes, East?

EAST.
I'm sorry, Sir, I don't understand that last point.

Dr. STUART.
Fair enough. Imagine there was one, and only one, play from two dramatists: Henry VIII, by Shakespeare, and A Man for All Seasons, by Bolt. I would be prepared to stake my life savings, ... pitiful as they are, being an under-paid though over-worked teacher, ... (For the first time in this lesson, he hints at a smile.) ... that the majority of people would consider Bolt to be the better dramatist. ... Certainly, in my opinion, one does need to consider literature critically and comparatively, if only to allow one to be in a position to ask dangerous questions; for example, in contrast to most science — which is, by its very nature, progressive — is literature inherently recursive? ... ... Flashman?

FLASHMAN.
Yes, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Just before half-term, you posed what could be viewed as a dangerous question — albeit laced with waggish undertones — as to value of our studies on rudimentary biochemistry. Although I did provide an answer, I would accept that it was neither complete nor satisfactory. Nevertheless, I now ask you to answer this question: What is, or was, the point in you studying these set books?

FLASHMAN.
They're compulsory, Sir! One needs to study them for the public exams.

Dr. STUART.
A utilitarian reason, but fair enough. Let us assume that you score a glittering success in the public examinations. As is common knowledge, you plan to study Languages in Year 12 and beyond: ... what would then have been the point in studying those books? ... Would you have merely secured a Pyrrhic success? ... ... (F. looks increasingly flustered.)

FLASHMAN.
Oh, ... I don't know, Sir! This is not fair. Why are you picking on me? (His tone is hurt rather than petulant.)

Dr. STUART.
Don't be foolish, boy! I'm not trying to belittle you, ... much less suggest that you shouldn't study these books. I was, however, hoping to encourage you to think. Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
What should we think, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
No. No. No. Zigo, you have misheard what I said. I would be instantly «defrocked» or «degowned» — or whatever it is — were I to tell any of you, at such an impressionable age, what to think; that, surely, could never be my rôle. ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Alright, Sir. So, what is your rôle?

Dr. STUART.
My principal obligation is to ensure that each one of you secures the highest possible, deserved, grade in the public examinations. Beyond that, I'm not wholly sure of my rôle. Perhaps, to encourage you all to think; for example, about the questions I posed to Flashman. ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Before half-term, I asked you whether we should all study Science beyond Year 11. Are you, in a sort of roundabout way, suggesting that we should? Sir. ... ... (Dr. S. looks completely bemused.)

Dr. STUART.
Merridew, I am sorry, but I'm afraid I don't understand your train of thought. Certainly, I would have hoped that I was not a spiritual descendant of Machiavelli. (He looks pensive.) ... Be that as it may, despite your persistence — which is to your credit — I absolutely refuse to provide an answer, one way or t'other. However, what I will do is attempt to provide each of you with a wider perspective. ... Let us, first, take a step back; specifically, last term's project on "The Relationship between The Ozone Layer and Ein Musikalischer Spass". Pattullo, summarize for us what you found out about Ein Musikalischer Spass, please.

PATTULLO.
Let me think, Sir. ... ... There was no documentary evidence to support the commonly held view that Wolfgang wrote this composition as a parody of his bungling contemporaries. ... And, um, ... this particular composition had musical motifs and witty aspects present in some of his father's «popular» compositions.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! All the circumstantial evidence would support the hypothesis that Wolfgang wrote Ein Musikalischer Spass as an unusual, uniquely appropriate, and intensely personal lament on the death of his beloved father, Leopold; In Memoriam, so to speak. However, more importantly for you, perhaps, is that it provides an example of how, merely by repetition and the absence of questioning, an originally speculative notion can become the received truth. ... ... Now, East, I think. Please summarize for us what you found out about The Ozone Layer.

EAST.
I'm not sure I can remember it all, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
No matter, East. Just a few facts will do.

EAST.
Um, ... The ozone layer protects the biosphere from harmful u.v. radiation. (Dr. S. nods encouragingly.) ... However, it is being destroyed by, er, ... several gaseous pollutants, like, er, ... CFCs, methane, and ... nitrogen oxides. (Dr. S. nods again.) This destruction means that the biosphere gets more u.v. radiation. ... Oh, and this leads to higher mutation rates. I'm sorry, Sir, that's all I can remember.

Dr. STUART.
No, well done, East, that was fine. ... East's point about higher mutation rates requires elaboration. Such increases affect all organisms and, as you now can better appreciate from our studies before half-term, these will have important genetic consequences if — and only if — they occur in reproductive cells. Nevertheless, popular attention is continually being focused on but one aspect; that is, the mutations in somatic cells, leading to skin cancer, in one species: Homo sapiens! ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Sir, I can understand that: but I don't see how it relates to Ein Musikalischer Spass.

Dr. STUART.
Fair enough. From reading through everybody's projects, it was clear that nobody had established the relationship; and, to be honest, I really didn't expect anybody to do so. ... But, first, let me complete my elaboration. The layperson's attention is being continually focused on one aspect of the destruction of the ozone layer. There is no sinister reason for this focus: but, merely by repetition and the absence of questioning, what is an indisputably minor part of the truth becomes the whole received truth. ... Yes, Flashman?

FLASHMAN.
Sir, may I guess the above relationship, please?

Dr. STUART.
Certainly. But, before you do so, I would like to provide a partial solution to the conundrum I set at the end of last term. (The class look blank.) Moths!! Though mothballs might be more appropriate! (The class root through their notes; and Dr. S. writes these formulae on the board:)

UNMAN.
Sir, why did you refer to mothballs?

Dr. STUART.
Naphthalene, one of the compounds on your sheet, is present in several types of mothballs. ... Just your poor, if less than humble, teacher's idea of a small joke.

FLASHMAN.
A very small one, Sir!

Dr. STUART.
As you have correctly pointed out before, Flashman, comedy is not my forté. ... I intend to provide you only with a partial solution to this conundrum, for two reasons: first, the detailed bonding descriptions of benzene and naphthalene are outside the scope of the syllabus; and second, I don't wish to digress into the fascinating aspects of the sugar-cane toad. ... ... Attempting to find the incorrect line formula for naphthalene in the scientific literature is like looking for the proverbial needle in a haystack: by contrast, this formula is reproduced in scores of textbooks world-wide, despite their authors, and literally thousands of teachers, knowing that this representation is not only incorrect but fundamentally misleading! ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Sir, I suppose that I would need to know about the bonding to fully understand what you're driving at. (Dr. S. nods.) But, even so, why does this error matter? (He shrugs.)

Dr. STUART.
Quite simply, in the broad scheme of everyday-life, it does not matter one jot! Not least because only a minority of students continue studying Science after Year 11. ... But, it does expose a quite extraordinary paradox. Thus, each year hundreds of thousands of students trot out the correct bonding description for benzene in examinations: however, whether any student understands this description is a moot point, because any student who does understand the bonding description for benzene would, inevitably and inexorably, come to the correct conclusion that the ubiquitous «double-ring» representation for naphthalene is complete chemical nonsense. ... ... Now, Flashman, the floor is all yours!

FLASHMAN.
Oh! I've forgotten what I was going say. Wait a mo, Sir, please. ... ... Ah! Yes. That, um ... by repetition and the absence of questioning, a falsehood, or a platitude, or a partial truth can become the received truth?

Dr. STUART.
Correct! (His tone now hardens.) Perhaps, now, Flashman, you can appreciate that I was not "picking on" you, ... as you so inelegantly put it. Before half-term, you questioned the value of those studies; and, by doing so, you exercised your right as well as your responsibility to yourself. ... Reasonably, I would have thought, my responsibilities to you would include asking questions of you, ... if only to spur you into further questioning of yourself. (He shrugs in a dismissive manner, and then clutches the lower part of his back and grimaces. ... The bell rings.) Truly music to my ears. (He heaves a sigh of relief.) Class dismissed!


Dr. S.'s second lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 7th week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. This lesson should provide a bridge between those studies before half-term and the topics of Mendelian genetics and Darwinian evolution to follow. Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Will we need our reference sheets, Sir? (Dr. S.'s frosty look prompts the class to root out the same.)

Dr. STUART.
Specifically, I would like to explain why elemental mercury and mercury compounds are toxic to most living organisms, nevertheless, certain species have evolved tolerance. ... Mercury, symbol Hg, Latin name Hydragyrum, has a particular affinity for sulfur; a characteristic, incidentally, shown by several other metals, including lead and silver. Now, bearing that in mind, which amino acid residue is likely to be the most important with respect to mercury and peptides or proteins? Mumford!? ... Look at Reference Sheet 1! ...

MUMFORD.
Cysteine, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Excellent! The correct biological function of a peptide or protein is dependent on its topography or three-dimensional shape, which, in turn, is determined by the number and order of the amino acid residues. ... Cysteine contains a thiol group; that is, S-H. And, in polypeptide chains, two thiol groups often react together to a form so-called disulfide bridge — as shown in diagram 'A' on the blackboard. (He scrolls up the same.)

... Mercury reacts with both free thiol groups and disulfide bridges — as shown in diagram 'B'. (He points to same.) Such a change in topology might be expected to change what else ...? Brown!?

BROWN.
Its topography, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Good! Such a change in three-dimensional structure, usually known as denaturing, might be expected to alter ...? Zigo!?

ZIGO.
Its correct biological function, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. Clearly, in view of the crucial rôles of proteins in homeostasis, in growth to reproductive maturity, and in reproduction, any decrease in their biological efficiency would be expected to have very serious, perhaps even fatal, consequences for a living organism. ... Now, in principle, an organism could circumvent the toxic effects of mercury if they could biosynthesize an oligo- or polypeptide which was rich in which amino acid residue ...? Unman!?

UNMAN.
Cysteine, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! The free thiol groups on such a peptide would mop up the mercury. And, a few species have indeed evolved the ability to biosynthesize such peptides, which allow them to tolerate those environments which contain above ambient concentrations of mercury. ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, ... um, ... how do organisms know when to evolve ... um, ... tolerance?

Dr. STUART.
Oh dear! ... Quite simply, organisms do not know when. ... Unfortunately, but understandably, Mumford, I think you have exemplified the commonest misconception about evolution. Would you like me to explain in more detail?

MUMFORD.
Yes, please, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Let me think. ... Ah! Perhaps a thought experiment or two. Ready? Scenario 1. ... Imagine one million bacteria of the same species. Whilst the vast majority of their genes are identical, most of the bacteria will have one or more mutant genes. ... Recall that mutations occur naturally all of the time. ... These bacteria are placed in a nutrient solution, to which we decide to add an aqueous solution of mercury(II) nitrate. Because of the diffusion gradient, each bacterium absorbs mercury(II) ions by diffusion: with the result that 999,999 snuff it, ... because these ions have irreversibly denatured one or more metabolically important proteins. ... But, one bacterium — whom I will name Moppet — survives because, by sheer good fortune, it has a mutated gene which codes for a protein containing, say, 10 cysteine residues; this protein mops up these otherwise toxic ions. Moppet is the fittest in this particular environment; and, without competition, reproduces very rapidly (by binary fission). Moppet's offspring and their offspring will also contain or inherit this favourable mutant gene. ... ... Scenario 2. ... Imagine the same one million bacteria. ... These are placed in the same nutrient solution, to which we decide to add the same aqueous solution of mercury(II) ions. However, this time, the result is that «only» 999,998 snuff it: Moppet survives, as does one another bacterium — Moppsy? — who has survived because, by good fortune, it has a mutated gene which codes for a protein containing 8 cysteine residues. This protein does mop up mercury ions, but is obviously less efficient. ... So, in the long term, whose offspring will be the fittest in this particular environment? ... Mumford!?

MUMFORD.
Moppet's, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Excellent! ... Now, Scenario 3. ... Imagine, yet again, the same one million bacteria. ... These are placed in the same nutrient solution, to which we decide to add dilute nitric acid. Because of the diffusion gradient, each bacterium absorbs hydrogen ions by diffusion: with the result that 999,999 snuff it, ... because these ions have irreversibly denatured one or more metabolically important proteins. ... But, one bacterium — whom I will name Phido — survives because, by good fortune, it has a mutated gene which codes for a protein which mops up hydrogen ions. Here, Phido is the fittest in this particular environment; and, without competition, reproduces very rapidly (by binary fission). Phido's offspring and their offspring will also contain or inherit this favourable mutant gene. ... ... Now, Mumford, can you suggest the reason why neither Moppet nor Moppsy survived the acid environment? ... ...

MUMFORD.
Um, ... Because they didn't contain the favourable mutant gene for that protein which mops up hydrogen ions, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Well done, Mumford! (M. looks chuffed.) Now, clearly, in none of these three scenarios did the bacteria have any prior knowledge, so to speak, of the environment that was to be thrust upon them. But, at least one of them already contained a mutant gene which allowed survival in one particular environment: but not necessarily in another. For example, both Moppet and Moppsy had mutated genes which were favourable in the mercury environment: but not in the acid one. Similarly, Phido had a mutated gene which was favourable in the acid environment: but not in the mercury one. (Dr. S. notes that all the class, except Brown, look contented; Brown looks puzzled.) ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Sir, I think I understand this when proteins are involved. But, I don't see how it would extend for chemicals which are not protein. Like, ... er, ... insecticides like morphine.

Dr. STUART.
I suspect the reason you cannot conceive the extension is because you have, inadvertently, forgotten one fundamental principle: to wit, directly or indirectly, all biological reactions are controlled by enzymes, which are themselves proteins. Ring a bell with the grey cells? (Brown nods.) Would you like me to construct the argument for morphine?

BROWN.
Yes, please, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Let me think. ... ... Ah, yes! Imagine, some time in the distant past, a field of a poppy-like plants; ancestors of the present-day poppy plant, Papaver species. The plants in this field were being continually attacked by locusts, say. The vast majority of these poppies' genes would have been, as usual, identical: but most would have one or more mutant genes. One plant would have had, by sheer good fortune, one (or more) mutated genes which coded for enzyme-proteins that controlled the biosynthesis of morphine. This plant — Stopit? — now contained an insecticide which discouraged the locusts' predatory instincts. And, unlike its cousins, who were gourmet meals for the locusts, Stopit survived to reproductive maturity and reproduced. So, simply by chance, Stopit and its offspring proved to be the fittest in that locust-infested environment. (He peers over the top of his glasses.) Oh dear! Brown, you still look unhappy. Did you not understand that construction?

BROWN.
Oh yes, Sir. I just don't understand why they say ... um, in Nature films that species adapt to their environment.

Dr. STUART.
I will address that problem. But, first, I must give you a little constructive criticism. Clearly, you were worrying about two problems simultaneously. And, like most students, you have the tendency to continue to worry about the second problem, whilst the first is being explained or resolved. Such a tendency can prevent understanding of both problems, because one is not giving one's undivided attention to each problem in turn. So, I would suggest that you try and adopt a very useful rule of thumb: simply take one step at a time! (Brown nods.) I will repeat my question: Did you understand my construction?

BROWN.
Yes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Good. ... Now, your second problem. Regrettably, scientists often use words or phrases in a different sense to that understood by the layperson. For example, the word power, to scientists — and to you, I hope — means the rate of transducing energy, measured in watts: by contrast, to the layperson, power usually means either force or electrical energy. ... Mmm! And, these units are ...? ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Force is measured in newtons, and energy in joules, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. Now, Brown, in the sense understood by laypeople, neither organisms nor species adapt to their environment: because there is no conscious or premeditated effort on their part to do so. ... Unfortunately, at least for the poor student, scientists use the word «adapt» as shorthand to summarize the ability of an organism or a species to fit in successfully with the prevailing environment. And, this is determined only by ...? Class, everybody together!

CLASS.
Genes, Sir! / Inherited genes, Sir! / Mutated genes, Sir!

Dr. STUART.
What a cacophony! Yes. Their inherited genes — some of which will have mutated — and some of these may prove to be favourable in a changed environment. (He sighs deeply.) This mere shadow of his former self will now conclude our lesson with a bonne bouche. ... Certain anaerobic bacteria have evolved not just a mere tolerance to mercury but also the ability to metabolize both elemental mercury and mercury compounds. Such bacteria excrete several toxic metabolites, including dimethylmercury; and the bacterial biosynthesis of this lipid-soluble compound involves vitamin-B12. Now, you have already come across vitamin-B12 in a different context: namely, as a necessary co-factor in the biosynthesis of red blood cells. ... Who can remember the non-infectious disease caused by a lack of B12 in the diet? ... ... Yes, Unman?

UNMAN.
Anaemia, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Almost right. Well done. It is pernicious anaemia. Merely for your delectation, I have drawn the formulae of these two compounds on the board. (He scrolls up same.)

... Now, vitamin-B12 is topologically related to which other biological molecules we have come across this year? (A few of the class raise their hands.) No! I think Wittering should enlighten us; I'm fairly confident he is the expert in this class, simply because of his library research during the autumn half-term. ... (He stares hard at W.) ... ...

WITTERING.
Oh! Yes, of course! Um, ... The chlorophylls, cytochromes, catalase, and haemoglobin, Sir. (W. looks perplexed.) But, Sir, how did you know about that?

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! ... It is a recurring schoolboy myth that the staff are invariably as dim as ditchwater. ... Indeed, when I was at school, ... no, never mind! (Cries of "Oh, go on, Sir!") No! Several of you already have over-active and decidedly unpleasant imaginations. I will, however, enlighten you Wittering! I found, in one reference book, a piece of paper with "Alice + Carboxyhaemoglobin!" written in your scrawl. (He then addresses the whole class.) Mmm! ... Despite your collective protestations of innocence, duly trotted out last lesson, I doubt whether the Canadian authorities would view Wittering's note in anything other than a most unfavourable light. Doubtless,... (McKechnie interrupts.)

McKECHNIE.
But, Sir, we were not... (Dr. S. interrupts.)

Dr. STUART.
No! No buts! Doubtless, given the time, I'm sure that you could construct — in the pavilion, I believe — (Exchange of furtive glances between the sans-culottes, admixed with guilty looks.) ... a plausible reason for Wittering's note: but the matter is no longer in my hands. (His hard tone has a warning edge. ... The bell rings.) Class dismissed!


Dr. S.'s first lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 8th week of term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. (He peers over the top of his glasses.) Oh dear! We down to just five. Mmm, ... McKechnie's allusion earlier this term to A Comedy of Errors certainly would not be pertinent for the present state of affairs: Titus Andronicus would appear, ostensibly at least, to be a much better parallel. (He observes Pattullo nodding; the other four look bemused.) Pattullo, since the play is but rarely performed, do I take it that you have read the work?

PATTULLO.
Yes, Sir. ... In my opinion, it did not add up to much more than a hotchpotch of blood letting.

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... I am inclined to agree with you. ... But, much as I would like to discuss this early work of the Bard with you, I think I will have to go and confirm that Le Directoire are genuinely ill: and not merely plotting mischief, ... or worse. So, whilst I'm making my house call, so to speak, I suggest that you go to the library for private study. ...


Dr. S. arrives outside Matron's dispensary, abutting the sanatorium; inside, dressed in a crisply-starched blue uniform, she is reading an old copy of Health and Fitness. Dr. S. knocks on her door ...

MATRON.
Come in! (Dr. S. enters on her brisk command.)

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, Matron! (His tone is breezy.) I have come to check up on the malingerers. May I... (Matron interrupts.)

MATRON.
Dr. Stuart! No boy under my care malingers — at least, not for long! Do I make myself absolutely clear!?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Matron. (He looks contrite.) My deepest apologies. Um, ... What is wrong with them? (His tone is conciliatory.)

MATRON.
Dr. Krautmann believes that it is a recurrence of the type of food poisoning which befelled them earlier in the term.

Dr. STUART.
Er, ... May I go in and see them, please?

MATRON.
Yes, but make it brief! (Her tone then softens.) Perhaps you would care to pop back in for a cup of chocolate after your visit? (She smiles.)

Dr. STUART.
Mmm? (He looks apprehensive.) ... Chocolate, you say. Ah, ... Not today, I'm afraid; I have a class waiting. Thank you, Matron. Cheerio! ...


Dr. S. enters the six-bed sanatorium; five of the beds are occupied by Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo.

Dr. STUART.
Good morning! How's everybody feeling? (Muffled comments of "Grotty" and "Awful" from the above-named students.) Oh dear! (His tone is less than sincere.) But, surely, Matron is making you feel comfortable?

WITTERING.
No, Sir! Regular doses of that ghastly brown medicine and repeated visits to the bathroom do not make for comfort!

Dr. STUART.
Ah! Matron Nightingale's infamous laxative; an equivalent of colonic irrigation, used here at Narkover College since the Crimean War. Never mind! (His tone is jovial.) Oh, I see some thoughtful person has sent you flowers.

MERRIDEW.
Huh! They're pretty ugly. ... Sir, what type are they?

Dr. STUART.
Deadly Nightshade, correctly known as Atropa belladonna; it is a very toxic plant! (Anxious glances between the rump of the sans-culottes.) Mmm, (He looks at his watch.) ... Matron has given me strict instructions to keep my visit short: so, I will leave you in peace — if not in comfort. Ciao! ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

3. For decades, the terms natural selection and artificial selection have been in common use; however, whether either term should continue to be so is debatable. Thus, natural selection — the process by which Nature selects the phenotypes and successes of living species — has the disadvantage of either blurring or obscuring the unpalatable fact that, because of pollution, Homo sapiens directly, indirectly, wittingly, and unwittingly is the architect of the environment for most living species in the biosphere. And, artificial selection — the process by which Man selects the phenotypes and reproductive successes of living species — has the disadvantage of not suggesting vividly enough the awesome power of absolute genetic control accessible via recombinant DNA technology.


4. "I am the monarch of all I survey," said the Red Queen with pride. "With respect, I beg to differ Ma'm," said the scientist Digital Gene. "Bôf! Here, you always have to run faster to stay in the same place," she retorted. "Always, Ma'm?" "I will be the monarch of all I survey. May I have the dubious pleasure of introducing you to recombinant DNA technology?" "Oh dear," she said, "I suddenly feel weak at the knees."

________________________________________________________________________________________

Dr. S.'s second lesson with the 4th-Remove in the 10th week of term ... [Dr. S. has — in the preceding weeks — presented a conventional introduction to evolution and genetics.]

Dr. STUART.
Good morning. Some of you may remember that the first essay of this academic year was entitled "Lead Chemistry", ... and so this final revision lesson, on some biological aspects of lead ions, has a sense of symmetry. ... Compounds of lead have few, if any, beneficial functions in living organisms; and lead(II) ions, in particular, inhibit the active sites of a number of enzymes. And enzymes control ...? Brown!?

BROWN.
All biological reactions, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Good! Lead ions are effectively non-biodegradable biocides, which means they will be accumulated up ...? Flashman!?

FLASHMAN.
The trophic levels, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. ... Now, a few of you may have seen those pleasing images of huge brown bears frolicking in fast-moving waters and doing a spot of salmon fishing! ... Your first exercise is to determine the concentration of lead(II) ions which could be accumulated by one brown bear in this food chain, assuming each duckweed plant absorbed 1 ng of lead(II) ions and that none of the consumers either egest or excrete these ions. (He scrolls up the board; the class get busy; and he walks rounds: then ...)

Dr. STUART.
Zigo! The answer is?

ZIGO.
1 gram, Sir

Dr. STUART.
Correct. (He observes Mumford looking baffled.) Carefully explain how you arrived at your answer, please, Zigo.

ZIGO.
Yes, Sir. I added the indices: -9 + 2 + 2 + 4 + 1, which is 0. And, 10° is 1, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Thank you. A few of you forgot that any quantity raised to the power 0 is 1; for example, 2° = 1, 10° = 1, x° = 1, and so on. (Mumford looks happy.) Mumford, can you name three possible sources of the lead ions which entered the aquatic habitat of the duckweed?

MUMFORD.
Let me think, Sir. Um, ... Vehicle exhausts, ... discarded batteries, ... and active or derilict mine-workings, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Well done! ... Now, before we return to the plight of the bear, I would like to digress for a moment. ... All of you should be aware by now that vertebrates biosynthesize one or more respiratory pigments. ... An example, please, Merridew!

MERRIDEW.
Haemoglobin, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Whose purpose is ...? Wittering!?

WITTERING.
To carry dioxygen to aerobically respiring cells, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
So that they may ...? McKechnie!?

McKECHNIE.
Um, ... Carry out aerobic respiration to release ATP, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
For the purpose of ...? Flashman!?

FLASHMAN.
Carrying out endergonic processes such as ... biosynthesis and active transport? ... Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. ... You will not be aware that many invertebrates also contain respiratory pigments; ... though these are not typically haemoglobin or topologically related compounds. However, certain invertebrates do biosynthesize haemoglobin, usually when the concentration of dioxygen is low, ... as can occur, in aquatic habitats, because of ...? Unman!?

UNMAN.
Um, ... Pollution, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Good! Or ...? East!? (East looks blank.) A clue perhaps?

EAST.
Yes, please, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
In the lab, when do you most commonly observe gas bubbles?

EAST.
Er, ... When water is heated. Oh! I see. The concentration of dioxygen decreases when the temperature rises. Yes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! Now, in this particular food chain, those water fleas biosynthesize haemoglobin!! ... ... Yes, Wittering?

WITTERING.
With respect, Sir, doesn't that come into the category of less than useful facts.

Dr. STUART.
No, not if you are a water flea!

WITTERING.
That's patronizing, Sir. (His tone is one of hurt rather than petulance.)

Dr. STUART.
It was, and I apologize. But, in arriving at that fact, I think you would accept that your grey cells did exercise themselves with chains of thought that were useful?

WITTERING.
Yes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Now, back to the bear! Pooh-Bear? The absorption of 1 gram of lead ions may not be lethal to the bear: but it will have adverse effects, most importantly in terms of reproduction. Thus, if the bear is young, it may not reach ...? Brown!?

BROWN.
Reproductive maturity, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
Good! And, even if it does reach reproductive maturity and reproduces, he or she may not be able to care properly for the offspring. The net result will be that this particular bear's hereditary material; that is, its ...? McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Genes or DNA, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. ... will not be passed on to future generations. ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
Can't bears evolve ... um, ....tolerance to lead ions, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
In principle, yes! In practice, the «problem», as such, is that bears have a low reproductive rate. Remember that, although mutations do occur all the time, as we have discussed previously, the chances of any given bear having a favourable mutant gene are vanishingly small; furthermore, when — or indeed if — this occurs, it may be in a bear whose habitat is not polluted with lead ions. Understand, Brown?

BROWN.
Yes, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
However, recalling our lesson on mercury, ... you should not be surprised, I hope, to learn that some species have evolved tolerance to lead ions; for example, the species of grass known as Agrostis tenuis. ... And this leads me on to your second exercise. (He scrolls up the board; waits a couple of minutes for their persual of same: then ...)

Dr. STUART.
Now, clearly, a species adapts to ambient concentrations of lead ions, and so homozygous recessive parents, tt, will produce offspring which show no tolerance to excess ions. If a favourable mutation occurs in the reproductive cells of one plant, which results in the formation of a dominant allele, T, that codes for tolerance, then its genotype becomes Tt and its phenotype tolerant. As this diagram shows, 50% of the offspring produced by this heterozygous parent, Tt, and a homozygous recessive one will be tolerant. ... These offspring will be the fittest in an environment where the agent of selection is an excess of lead ions; and so these will be the most likely to survive to reproductive maturity and reproduce. ... Now, Class, with that preamble, construct a second genetic diagram to show the genotypes and phenotypes of the offspring produced by parents who are both heterozygous. (The class get busy; Dr. S. walks round; then ...) The phenotypic ratios are ...? Mumford!?

MUMFORD.
Um, ... 3 tolerant to 1 non-tolerant, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Splendid! ... And, East, what would be the genotypes and phenotypes of all the offspring produced by two homozygous dominant parents?

EAST.
Let me think, Sir. ... Oh! Their genotypes will be TT, and their phenotypes will be tolerant.

Dr. STUART.
Just so! Well done, East. ... Now, Class, would you like the good news or the bad news first?

CLASS.
Bad news, Sir! (Disgruntled tones, in unison.)

Dr. STUART.
Bôf! They are one and the same! (He smiles.) I have here a whole series of exercises for you to complete during what remains of revision week. (Barely audible groans, admixed with frowns, from the class.) ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
But, Sir, that's not normally how we do revision.

Dr. STUART.
Ah! But, Merridew, I think you are either forgetting the original derivation of one of my nicknames, Desdemona, ... though you lot have a preference for the other, Barbydol, (The class look a shade embarrassed.) ... or that you have never bothered to find out! ... Merridew!?

MERRIDEW.
No, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! Whilst many students never truly acquire a «thirst for knowledge» — in German, Wissensdrang — it has often struck me, over more years than I care to remember, that a significant proportion are not even faintly curious. ... Which is, in German, Flashman!?

FLASHMAN.
Er, ... Neugierig oder Wissbegierig, ... Herr Doktor.

Dr. STUART.
Correct. ... Now, I'm fairly sure that, early in my teaching career here at Narkover, some schoolboy wag — much like Flashman here — alighted, by chance, on the Latin name for a species of vampire bat which shows altruistic tendencies; that is, Desmodus rotundus : the rest I will leave up to your imagination. Class dismissed! ...


11.00 a.m. On the penultimate day of term, Dr. S. takes a roll-call for his last lesson of the academic year with the 4th-Remove ...

Dr. STUART.
Brown.

BROWN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
East.

EAST.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Malice A. Forthort: absent. ... Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale: absent. ... McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Piggy: mort. ... Ms. Chalice Poison: absent. ... Unman

UNMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Class, your pleasing examination performances means that I have been able to write favourable comments in the academic sections of your reports. ... Fortunately, or otherwise, I do not have to write about the other aspects of your school life; but, needless to say, the other members of staff have sought by perspicacity. (He stares briefly at each boy, pausing noticeably longer at F., Mc., Me., W., and Z.) ... And, with that caveat, you are dismissed. ...


2.45 p.m. The 4th-Remove arrive in a classroom for their last lesson with Sig. Sal. ...

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore!

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti! In our first lesson of the term, you listened to a concerto for flute and recorder, by Telemann, composed at a time when the flute was starting to be preferred to the recorder. And, as this is our last one together, I thought you might like to listen to a concerto for harpsichord and fortepiano composed by Telemann's godson, C. P. E. Bach, who composed it at a time when the fortepiano was starting to be preferred to the harpsichord. (He looks up to find several disinterested students.) No? Non importa! ... Or, you can practise for the sports. (Mumford and Pattullo stay behind; the remainder take their leave with indecent haste.) ...


5.45 p.m. Sig. Sal. arrives outside Dr. Stuart's study; inside, he is listening to music by J. S. Bach. Sig. Sal. knocks on his door ...

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (Sig. Sal. enters.) My dear Arsenio, what a pleasant surprise! ... Oh! You do look a little flustered.

Sig. SALIERI.
I am seeking sanctuary from my lady wife. Vespina suggested I should cook the evening meal! ... Non mi piace per niente cucinare! (He sighs deeply; Dr. S. laughs gently.)

Dr. STUART.
Would you care for a sherry or something a little stronger? Perhaps a whisky?

Sig. SALIERI.
A whisky would be very much appreciated. Thank you, Alec. (Dr. S. pours Sig. Sal. a double whisky and himself a small dry sherry.)

Dr. STUART.
Please, do sit down; I have put a couple of comfy chairs on the verandah outside.

Sig. SALIERI.
What a splendid idea! I should be able to see the approach of my darling Vespina, ... before her dulcet tones start to buzz my ears! (Dr. S. laughs gently as he brings the drinks outside and sits beside Sig. Sal.) ... Thank you. ... Ah! My dear Alec, you never got round to telling me about that other link for the 4th-Remove's project?

Dr. STUART.
What a fine memory you have! But, Arsenio, the subject is a shade too serious for such a glorious evening.

Sig. SALIERI.
No matter. (The bell for high-tea rings.) ... Oh dear! ... Alec, I'm sure I can persuade Vespina to rustle up a few choice morsels for you later. Please, do continue.

Dr. STUART.
Sure. Let us consider Dresden first. Since the War, there have been endless discussions and controversy about who was responsible, and whether they had justification, for its destruction. However, such discussions have not been placed in the context of the more important aspect: regardless of the justification, or otherwise, for its destruction at the time, those responsible were indisputably taking a decision on behalf of all future generations ... in perpetuity.

Sig. SALIERI.
Because, apart from the appalling loss of life, the city's destruction resulted in the irretrievable loss of so many cultural treasures?

Dr. STUART.
Precisely! Dresden was a unique manifestation of Man's cultural evolution.

Sig. SALIERI.
I see. ... And, the rainforests?

Dr. STUART.
Very similar. ... There are endless discussions, by all and sundry, about who is responsible, and whether there is justification, for its current destruction. But, yet again, such discussions have not been placed in the context of the more important aspect: regardless of the justification, or otherwise, for its destruction at the present time, those responsible — who may be even thee and me, by default — are indisputably taking a decision on behalf of all future generations ... in perpetuity.

Sig. SALIERI.
Because of the irretrievable loss of so many unique species, ... natural treasures?

Dr. STUART.
Precisely! The rainforests are certainly the most important manifestation of natural evolution.

Sig. SALIERI.
But, my dear Alec, surely you didn't expect the 4th-Remove to elucidate that link?

Dr. STUART.
No, not all. In part, I was hoping that the class would begin to think about responsibility in a wider context; and in part, that they might begin to appreciate that certain decisions, however justified at the time, are taken on behalf of all future generations. Certainly, I do believe that, in Year 11, the class would have appreciated one such decision is that being taken to exploit recombinant DNA technology. (Sig. Sal. looks baffled.) Oh! My apologies, Arsenio. Perhaps I can explain another time? (Sig. Sal. nods.) In the event, after half-term, with just the boys present, I postponed further work on that project.

Sig. SALIERI.
Alec, do you miss teaching the girls?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Arsenio, very much so.

Sig. SALIERI.
Well, I may have good news. Next term you will be teaching my niece from Naples.

Dr. STUART.
Oh! Splendid! And what's her name?

Sig. SALIERI.
Salice Albero. (His tone is one of warm pride. Dr. S., as he rises to his feet, almost completely suppresses a smile.)

Dr. STUART.
Arsenio, let me freshen you drink.

Sig. SALIERI.
Thank you, no, Alec. ... Vespina? (He sighs; Dr. S. nods in a sage manner.) Shall we make a move? ...


10.00 p.m. Mlle G., having completed her inspection of the senior dormitories — which contain packed suitcases and trunks — is standing at one end of a corridor ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Girrrls! (She trills. Their high-spirited cacophony ceases immediately.) Tonight,... (Lolli interjects.)

LOLLI.
Oh gosh, Miss, I've packed all my reading books! (Several gushy but plaintive cries of "Me too, Miss!" echo down the corridor.) Not tonight, surely, Miss?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Hush, no, girls, not tonight. You may talk quietly whilst tonight's music is playing; which is a concerto for violin and cello by Vivaldi, who entitled it Il Proteo ò sia Il Mondo al rovescio — that's to say, «The world upside down». ...


10.30 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. P. is browsing through his stamp collection; his wife is lying on the bed smiling coquettishly ...

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
J'ai besoin de sauce au chocolat.

Mr. POND.
Oui, oui... (His tone is weary; as he reaches the door ...)

Mrs. POND.
Mais, j'ai pas faim...


10.30 p.m. Five of the sans-culottes — Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo — are assembled in the pavilion ...

McKECHNIE.
Oh! We're five! ... Where are the others?

ZIGO.
Spats was reading Henry VIII of all things; I swear he takes his «renaissance man» tag far too seriously. Um, ... Scud muttered something about wanting to be fresh for sports tomorrow. And, ... er, ... Jock, Mumsy, and Hombré were all fast asleep, ... or pretending to be so! (He shrugs.)

McKECHNIE.
Mmm, ... Never mind. I suppose as you all must of noticed, Barbydol has been more than «a bit off» with us five since half-term. (The other four nod in assent.) Setting aside his mischievous visit to Matron's san., I cannot recall him, er, ... smiling at or praising us: it's as if he was punishing us for the events off Drummond Island. ... I simply don't understand why he so sure that we were responsible!

MERRIDEW.
I don't get that either, Duncan. I'm not so sure that he's punishing us, though. He's old-fashioned, certainly strict, and pompous to a fault: but he's never struck me as being in any way small-minded.

ZIGO.
Yes, Duncan. I tend to agree with Jack. There may be more here than meets the eye. Spats thinks that Barbydol has severe prostate trouble.

WITTERING.
Hmph! More fool him!

McKECHNIE.
Witters! Excuse the pun, but that's a bit below the belt!

WITTERING.
Pas du tout! Barbydol is always pontificating to us about our responsibilities. What about his own!? Surely, he must know as well as we do about regular check-ups, screening, and — Oh, I don't know — whatever these quacks do!

MERRIDEW.
How odd! (He is peering through a pavilion window.)

McKECHNIE.
Jack, qu'est-ce que c'est que ça?

MERRIDEW.
The curtains are drawn in what use to be the girls' dorm, ... and I think I saw a light on: but it's off now.

McKECHNIE.
That's probably Gossypol fussing about; ... just in case any fond parents want to have a gander at next term's sleeping arrangements for their — how can I put it? — «mistake». (M., W., and Z. all chortle.) ... Flashy, you're quiet. Are you, perhaps, thinking of your prize tomorrow?

FLASHMAN.
Yes, ... to be honest, I was.

McKECHNIE.
Oh! Back to the dorm! We can't have Flashy missing his big moment on Speech Day! (They all laugh good naturedly.) ...

EPILOGUE: Missa pro defunctis

Since Narkover's foundation in the mid-19th century, each Speech Day has followed a uniform pattern: prize-giving and a homily by the Lord Lieutenant of Borsetshire; a speech by the Headmaster; a buffet lunch; a celebration of Mass; and, finally, inter-house sports. [The original raison d'être for celebrating Mass has been obscured by the mists of time; and, in so far as Narkover is a secular foundation, its continued annual celebration presumably rests on either a tacit acceptance of the principle that tradition is necessarily «a good thing» or a recognition of the intrinsic qualities of the Mass text.]

10.00 a.m. Seated to the left, of the central aisle of a marquee, are the immaculately presented students; to the right are their guardians and relatives — a significant proportion of the ladies are wearing the latest creations from Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette; and at one end, on a dais, are the distinguished guests and academic staff — most of whom are wearing academic gowns complemented by colored fur hoods: Sir Forest Beauchamp Archer, the Lord Lieutenant, is on his feet ...

Sir FOREST ARCHER.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. First, the prizes! One could say that merely by attending Narkover, everybody has won: and so all should have prizes! ... But, some prizes are more equal than others! (Most of the adults, but few of the students, smile weakly.) ... ... The Year 7 prize for Home Economics to Ms. Penelope Basting ... (Applause.) ... ... ... The Year 9 prize for Needlework to Ms. Lolli Stich ... ... The Year 10 prize for Languages to Rudolph Flashman ... ... ... ... Lastly, the Lord Lieutenant's prize, for overall academic achievement, to Frederick Archer ... (Applause.) ... And now, a few words to the wise, or less than wise, as the case may be! ... When I was a young man, making my way in the world, the merits of hard work were impressed upon me in no uncertain terms. ... ... (About fifteen minutes later ...) ... Mmm, ... I think that particular example of the virtues of hard work would be a suitable one with which to conclude. Thank you. (Spontaneous applause.)

Mr. POND.
Thank you, Sir. (He smiles warmly at Sir Forest, and then addresses the student body.) I know all the students would wish to join me in a resounding three cheers for our most distinguished guest, Sir Forest Archer. (Three cheers from the student body, followed by vigorous applause.) ... ... My speech this year will be somewhat different, ... and about time too ... some of you may well be thinking! (He smiles.) However, the introduction of le beau sexe to Narkover has necessarily, and irreversibly, changed the character of the school. ... My review of the academic year starts, as is fit and proper, with the very first day of last autumn's term, when — for the first time — the school's drive resounded to the patter of feet from both boys and girls. ... ... ... ... ... (About fifty minutes later ...) ... Certainly, I can assure you all that the staff and myself do look forward to continually improving both the academic and social welfare of the students in our care. ... And, in this context, may I take the opportunity to remind everybody that this coming autumn term heralds Narkover's inaugural year as a bilingual establishment? I am confident that parents and guardians will ensure that their sprogs or charges do appreciate the merits of dipping the proverbial toe in a French book before the end of these holidays. (He has addressed the adults in a conspiratorial but light-hearted tone; he now addresses the students in a mock severe tone.) Students, you would do well to remember that my lady wife, Mrs. Pond, ... (He makes a gracious gesture towards her.) ... is passionate about her mother tongue: and she takes a pretty dim view of those who do not share her passions. I have given you ample warning! (He smiles.) ... Now, my coup de théâtre! Since antiquity, countless authors have used the dramatic device of deus ex machina; that is, the introduction of some providential or unlikely event so as to extricate one from the difficulties inherent in resolving the contrivances of a plot. Well, in a welcome example of life imitating art, may I present ... (He draws a curtain at the back of the stage to reveal the three Year 10 girls.) ... ... Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale, Ms. Malice Forthort, and Ms. Chalice Poison. (He waits for the hubbub of amazement to die down.) I will leave it to Alice, Narkover's first Head Girl, to describe the circumstances surrounding this ostensible providence. (He nods to Alice, who has a prepared script in her hand.)

ALICE.
During the first two terms, the behaviour of certain of the boys towards us girls, in particular, was at best boorish, and at worst positively Neanderthal. ... We had hoped that either our novelty would wear off or their attitude would mature. ... However, on the field trip to Sault Sainte Marie this half-term, we discovered — by means I will not go into now — that they were planning yet another «escapade» which would put us, quite literally, in mortal danger. ... Serendipitously, one of the Canadian teachers, M. Fouquet, had a brother in the Canadian Navy, and persuaded him to use his vessel in a training exercise. ... With both his help, and that of a few members of staff, we concocted a plan for our fake disappearance that used the elements of the boys' proposed «escapade». ... Since half-term, we have been the guests of Montgomery College, Montréal; and we arrived back only last night — to be spectres at the feast. ... Whether our presumed deaths have had — or will have — any affect on their consciences, let alone behaviour, we cannot say. However, whilst we are prepared to be respectful to Narkover's traditions, neither the past — nor the future, for that matter — is of concern: for us, «the school» must be the present. So, whilst we cannot speak for the other girls, Chalice, Malice, and I have decided that we will — if necessary — adopt a considerably more robust approach this coming autumn term in Year 11. Thank you, Headmaster. (Applause from most of those assembled, admixed with gushy noises from several of the younger girls.)

Mr. POND.
Surprisingly, perhaps, apart from Dr. Stuart, my lady wife, and myself, nobody at Narkover was aware that these three young ladies were safe and sound. Indeed, since half-term, Signore Salieri, as part of a planned commemoration of the presumed deaths of four of our students, has been practising one of Zelenka's Dresden requiem masses with the school's orchestra. However, in view of these ladies' most pleasing reappearance, the performance of such an austere work would be a touch inappropriate. Nevertheless, I feel strongly that we should commemorate the tragic death of Xavier Piggy: accordingly, after the buffet lunch, we shall reassemble in this marquee to listen to a recording of Hasse's festive Requiem Mass in C major, written in Dresden. And, finally, during the afternoon, I would urge each and everyone of you to see the plaque erected by Chalice Poison in memory of her deceased brother, Xavier; her chosen inscription reads, a shade enigmatically, Hat Wissensdrang Xavier Getötet? ...

Playlet 4 (Winter Term 2):
La Astuzie femminili ò Il Sinfonia grillosa