{C. P. Snow, a distinguished civil servant, wrote in The Two Cultures: and A Second Look, Cambridge University Press, Cambridge (U.K.), 1964: "Closing the gap between our [literary and scientific] cultures is a necessity in the most abstract intellectual sense, as well as in the most practical. ..."}

Presented here, for the conscientious student who would like to develop further his or her abilities and perspectives in an unorthodox manner, are nine fragmentary points of discussion which could be mulled over.

Also included here, to leaven these fragments, are selected scenes from the Michaelmas term of Narkover College's inaugural year as a bilingual establishment. [... The school was founded in 1859, as the Royal Naval College of Narkover, by a German prince who believed, erroneously, that a large expanse of water was a section of the coastline; his courtiers, rather than commit lèse-majesté, by drawing his immediate attention to the fact that Borsetshire was land-locked, waited until he died in 1861 before changing the school's name. Nevertheless, this royal patronage has resulted in Narkover being excused the necessity of implementing a never ending stream of governmental edicts; cynics or truists, if they be different, consider this privilege to be a blessing in disguise ...]

PLAYLET 4: La Astuzie femminili ò Il Sinfonia grillosa

10.30 p.m. First night of term; all the boarders have returned. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. Mervyn B. Pond is browsing through his stamp album; his wife, née Euphémie Richelieu, is reading a book; and their recently born son and heir is in his cot ...

BÉBÉ POND.
Gentle thespian, the sound of my voice might lend itself to the not unreasonable suggestion that one is in the presence of an uncommonly precocious enfant terrible. Be that as it may, I am merely following in the literary footsteps of my spiritual ancestor, Tristram Shandy. ... ... Should you have read his quasi-autobiographie, you will probably recall that he devoted more space to the details of the Shandean ménage prior to his birth than after: an affectation which, surely, does not bear repetition. ... On the other hand, entre nous, a little pre-natal background would not go amiss? ... On est d'accord ?... Bon !... Par où vais-je commencer ?... Ah !... Tristram's uncle, Toby, had been rendered hors de combat, in both bed and battle, by what is often delicately referred to as groin problems. His condition had prompted him to direct his mental activities in a somewhat unusual hobby-horse: to wit, re-enacting the 1697 Siege of Namur via the design and reconstruction of the military fortifications in miniature. My uncle, Father Benoît Richelieu, who is Headmaster of the Lycée Villiers, a Catholic boarding school in La Rochelle, is also hors de combat — albeit as a natural consequence of his station in life. His particular hobby-horse centres on the abortive attempts by George Villiers, The First Duke of Buckingham, to relieve La Rochelle's besieged Protestants in 1627; an historical event which Alexandre Dumas incorporated with dramatic licence in his novel Les trois Mousquetaires. However, aside from the similarity in their hobby-horses ... «chevaux des batailles», en français ... these two gentlemen would have had precious little else in common. Thus, Uncle Toby was both generous and genial: and he had a penchant for whistling Lilliburlero. Whereas, with his black cassock and dour demeanour, my Uncle Benoît suggests more than a passing resemblance to a bird of ill omen: and he would consider the tune Lilliburlero to be, at best, quite beyond the pale. ... Perhaps my uncle's one saving grace is his fondness for, and protective attitude towards, ma mère; this lady, ... who is, as you can see yonder, reclining elegantly on the bed, ... had provided the necessary financial and moral support for her brother during his long period of study in the seminary. Mon père, ... who is, as you can also see yonder, browsing through his Album de timbres-postes, ... has a relationship with his beau-frère which might be best described as studied politeness; and so, whilst acceding to his wife's whims, he understandably, but tacitly, views each shared holiday with a degree of antipathy. Not surprisingly, therefore, with my mother heavily pregnant, with this apple of her eye maturing in her womb, he was particularly reluctant to travel to La Rochelle in the latter part of Narkover's grandes vacances just past. And, his sense of foreboding, so to speak, was partially realized: to wit, I ventured forth into the world a few weeks premature. However, ... Aïe !?... Ah, oui !... There are signs of activity in the bed yonder. ... À tantôt !

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
Je voudrais une tasse de chocolat chaud, s'il te plaît.

Mr. POND.
Quelle bonne idée ! (As he reaches the door, he turns round and frowns.) Euh,... Pourquoi ?

Mrs. POND.
Puisque j'ai soif, bien sûr. Quoi d'autre ? (She looks up from her book.) Tu pense... Bôf ! Pas devant le bébé !...


9.00 a.m. On this first teaching day of term, Mlle Agnès Gossâge takes a roll-call for her French lesson with the 5th-Remove (Year 11) ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs. ... Tout d'abord, je fais l'appel. Mlle Salice Albero.

SALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Soyez la bienvenue, Salice. Comme vous êtes une nouvelle, pourriez-vous nous donner un autoportrait bref, s'il vous plaît ?

SALICE.
En français, Mademoiselle ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Oui, bien sûr !

SALICE.
Je suis née à Naples ; j'ai seize ans bientôt ; et mes passe-temps incluent la lecture, la musique et l'équitation.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Merci, Salice... Brown.

BROWN.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
East.

EAST.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mlle Malice A. Forthort.

MALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mlle Alice Lidell-Lonsdale.

ALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mumford. (No reply) Mumford !

MUMFORD.
Oh ... er, present, Miss.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mumford, pas votre langue maternelle : mais en français, s'il vous plaît !

MUMFORD.
Euh,... Désolé, Mademoiselle. Présent. (F. interjects.)

FLASHMAN.
Comme d'habitude, Mumsy était perdu dans ses rêves !

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Flashman, silence ! Je n'accepte pas qu'on m'interrompe ! En voilà une façon de se tenir !?

FLASHMAN.
Je vous en prie de m'excuser, Mademoiselle. (He looks very contrite; she looks at him through her monocle.)

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
D'accord, Flashman... Oui, Alice ?

ALICE.
Mademoiselle, peut-être Mumsy est un peu malentendant ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Certainement, c'est dans le domaine du possible. (She looks pensive.) Euh,... Je prendrai rendez-vous avec le médecin. D'accord, Mumford ?

MUMFORD.
Oui, Mademoiselle, merci.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mmm,... Où en étais-je ?... Ah ! Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Piggy : mort... Mlle Chalice Poison.

CHALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Unman.

UNMAN.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Et maintenant, au boulot ! (She smiles; muffled groans from several of the class.) Le livre au programme cette année, choisit par le comité responsable de l'organisation des examens nationaux, est L'Esprit de Don Quichotte... East, fais les honneurs, s'il vous plaît.

EAST.
Avec plaisir, Mademoiselle...


11.00 a.m. In a laboratory, Drs. Alec D. Stuart and Bob O. Brummel take their first Science lesson of the term with the 5th-Remove ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. ... I have the greatest pleasure in introducing you to a new member of Narkover's teaching staff. (He gestures graciously to Dr. B.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Hi! My name is Dr. Bob Oliphant Brummel. I obtained my PhD in biochemistry, from research into the Acetobacter genus, at Michigan State; and, until relatively recently, I was the research director of Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette in La Rochelle. ...

FLASHMAN.
Sir, are you, perchance, related to Mr. Brummel of Gage High School in Boston?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
I am, yes. On my last visit home, Pop gave me the low down on your behavior in Sault Ste. Marie last summer half-term; indeed, he was not best pleased by the severe disruption of the carefully planned, collaborative ecological studies of Drummond and Cockburn Islands. ... Although Pop used more colorful language, he did warn me that I might be entering a nest of misogynistic recidivists. (Then his tone hardens.) I do hope his warning was unnecessary?! ...

MUMFORD.
Please, Sir, what is Aceto ... um, ... what's-its-name?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
The Acetobacter are a genus of bacteria. ... One species you might have come across is Acetobacter aceti. These bacteria use ethanol as a respiratory substrate in order to release ATP via aerobic respiration; that is: ... (He writes the following equation on the blackboard.)

                                        Acetobacter aceti
C₂H₅OH(aq) + O₂(g) ————————————® CH₃COOH(aq) + H₂O(l) -DE (12 ATP)

ZIGO.
Sir, are they the bacteria that cause wine to turn sour?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Excellent! ... Indeed, the immobilized bacteria are used in a biotechnological process to manufacture ethanoic acid from ethanol.

ALICE.
Did you carry out research into this process at that French company, Sir? (Dr. B. looks quizzically at A.) ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
How perspicacious! (He smiles.) Regrettably, however, I am not at liberty to discuss my work at H.C.V. ... ...

CHALICE.
Sir, are you married?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Oh yes! Chandeleur — my better half — should, at this very moment, be assisting Mlle Gossâge with a Year 9 group.

Dr. STUART.
Thank you, Class! (His tone has a warning edge.) I think that even a second question of a personal nature would be a shade impertinent: so I will plead the Fifth Amendment on Dr. Brummel's behalf. ...

BROWN.
Please, Sir, do we have a project this term?

Dr. STUART.
No, at least not a new one. I would, however, like each of you to continue with last term's suspended project: "The Relationship between the Tropical Rainforests and Dresden". Furthermore, I know that Dr. Brummel has something to say on the subject. ... Bob?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Alec. Mmm, ... On both sides of the pond, there is an increasing prediliction for «projects». Accordingly, I would like you to read both Parts III and IV of Gulliver's Travels.

EAST.
For any particular reason, Sir?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Mmm, ... Perhaps? (He smiles enigmatically.) However, I'd prefer not to color your prospective judgments in any way.

UNMAN.
But Gulliver's Travels is a children's book, Sir. (His tone is dismissive.)

MALICE & WITTERING.
No it isn't! (They exclaim simultaneously, and then look at each other in an embarrassed manner; there follows a pregnant pause, broken by ...)

Dr. STUART.
Felix en fausta dies! (He proclaims with a broad smile.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Alec, I'm afraid you have me at a disadvantage. Why is this a "happy and auspicious day"?

Dr. STUART.
Aside, that is, from the presence of your good self? (He smiles warmly; Dr. B. looks slightly uncomfortable.) Well, last academic year, the males and the females in this class agreed on absolutely nothing; indeed, guerilla warfare was very much the order of the day. ... So, I view the agreement of Malice and Wittering, though undoubtedly coincidental, to be a most favourable portent. (He then turns to face the class, and peers over the top of his glasses at them with a mischievous glint in his eyes.) ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
But, Sir, one swallow does not make a summer.

Dr. STUART.
No, indeed! But, when the swallows do eventually arrive en masse, there must be a first swallow leading the flight. ... Now, Class, I think it is high time your noses reacquainted themselves with the grindstone. Dr. Brummel and I have not, as yet, worked out the fine details of our modus operandi. Nevertheless, we have decided, in the first half of term, to expand your knowledge of Mendelian genetics. ... Bob?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Alec. Class, you have three initial assignments. First, to complete this Table, ... (He passes one of same to each student.) ... of the commonest terms used in genetics, in pencil, and without reference to your notes. Second, to read thru your notes, followed by emending each answer where necessary. And third, to study carefully your marked script of last summer term's exam.

MERRIDEW.
Sir, ... Dr. Stuart, that is, ... what about the girls?

Dr. STUART.
And, Merridew? (He looks puzzled.)

MERRIDEW.
Well, Sir, none of them were here for last summer's exams; three of them spent the second half of the term in Montréal.

Dr. STUART.
Ah! Merridew, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you asked your question with the best of intentions. (He looks at M., who is a picture of studied innocence.) ... In point of fact, those three young ladies sat the very same exam, because M. Fouquet was kind enough to supervise them in Montgomery College. And, Salice obtained a set of model answers via Sig. Salieri, when he and his lady wife returned to Naples for their summer holidays. ... Now, Class, having satisfied Merridew's idle curiosity, may I suggest that each of you reacquaints yourself with a pencil? (He smiles; the class get busy.) ...


2.45 p.m. In a classroom, Sig. Arsenio Salieri takes his first General Studies lesson of the term with the 5th-Remove ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti!

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore. (In slightly patronizing tones.)

Sig. SALIERI.
The Headmaster's lady wife has expressed the wish that, in this end-of-term's carol concert, at least two of the carols should be sung in French. ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
And, the good lady's wish is your command, Sir? (He flashes a waspish smile at Sig. Sal., who looks pensive.) ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ecco, quando in testa si metton le donne, comunque grillosa, la voglion spuntar. (He utters under his breath; then sighs deeply.) ... Sì, certamente! ... This morning, my Year 10's decided that one of the carols would be Silent Night — en français, Douce nuit, sainte nuit — and that it should be sung, in the original scoring of two male voices with guitar accompaniment, by Year 11 students. ... So, I am looking for volunteers! ... ... ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Sir, may I be considered, please?

Sig. SALIERI.
Come rinfrescante! Sì, volentieri. Grazie mille, Pattullo. Anybody else? (No response.) Pazienze! ... A second carol, to be sung by three Year 10's, will be chosen by you: here and now! ... I am going to play three carols by 18th century Czech composers; and I would like each of you to write down your order of preference, please. D'accordo? Bene! First, Edmund Pascha's Aux montagnes, mes amis, aux montagnes. (He plays said music; about 3 minutes later ...) Second, Jakub Ryba's Mon rossignol mélodieux. (Plays said music; about 4 minutes later ...) And third, Jirí Linek's Dors, mon petit enfant, dors. (Plays said music; about 2 minutes later ...) Alice, please collect the voting slips.

ALICE.
Yes, Sir. (She does so; then passes them to Sig. Sal.) ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Eccellente! The clear preference is for Ryba's My Melodious Nightingale. I'm sure that Lolli, Popsy, and Shandy in Year 10 will approve of your choice. ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Sir, surely the only thing those girls have in common with a nightingale is that they are bird-brained!?

Sig. SALIERI.
I beg your pardon!?

MERRIDEW.
Well, Sir, their entire vocabulary appears to consist simply of twee expressions, like "Jolly super!", "Gosh!", "Golly!", and the like. (His tone is dismissive.)

MALICE.
Sir, fools and their thoughts are soon parted! (Her tone is dismissive.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Malice, I certainly agree with the sentiment: nevertheless, I do feel that you may be merely adding fuel to the flames? (His tone is mildly reproving.)

MALICE.
Yes, Sir, I'm sorry. (Sig. Sal. acknowledges her apology.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Merridew, your puerile sense of wit evinced a lack of both maturity and good manners! (Me. looks embarrassed.)

MERRIDEW.
Yes, Sir. I am very sorry. (He looks contrite.)

Sig. SALIERI.
May I take it that you will apologize to the young ladies in Year 10 at the first opportunity? (Me. nods his head.) Bene! Indirectly, you also cast aspersions on their vocal qualities: so can I assume that you have greater confidence in your own?

MERRIDEW.
Er, ... I couldn't really say, Sir.

Sig. SALIERI.
Merridew, although modesty certainly becomes you, I do feel that your voice is more than adequate to accompany Pattullo in Silent Night. D'accordo?

MERRIDEW.
Yes, Sir. ... I suppose so, Sir.

Sig. SALIERI.
Bravo! That's settled then! ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Sir, I have the distinct feeling that, one way or t'other, I have been hoisted with my own petard.

GIRLS.
Perish the thought! (A., C., and M. in unison)

Sig. SALIERI.
Thank you, ladies. A little decorum, if you please! (He betrays a hint of a smile.) ... To take us to the bell, you are going to listen to harpsichord music on the nightingale theme; that is, Alessandro Poglietti's Rossignolo cycle ...


5.45 p.m. In the school grounds, Pattullo is standing, in a respectful manner, before a plaque which reads Hat Wissensdrang Xavier Getötet?; Chalice walks towards him ...

CHALICE.
Hello, Pattullo. What are you doing, ... here, I mean?

PATTULLO.
Oh! I came to pay my respects; I remembered that Piggy died a year ago today. I am sorry, Chalice; would you like me to leave?

CHALICE.
Er, ... No. No need. ... Spats, I never knew him; what was my brother Xavier like?

PATTULLO.
Mmm, ... I suppose his most noteworthy characteristics were his sense of reason and his independence.

CHALICE.
You mean he was a loner?

PATTULLO.
No; not at all. Um, ... For better or worse — the latter probably — our Year group has always been a tightly knit one: but Piggy never tolerated peer pressure. ... More often than not, he... (The bell for high-tea rings.)

CHALICE.
Oh dear! (She sighs.) Thank you anyway, Spats. ...


10.00 p.m. Mlle Gossâge and Mrs. Brummel (née Chandeleur Fouquet), having completed their inspection of the Year 10 and 11 dorms, are standing at one end of a corridor ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mesdemoiselles! (She trills. Their high-spirited cacophony ceases immediately.) C'est la période de lire !

LOLLI.
Misère ! Excusez-moi, Mademoiselle, on doit lire un roman en français ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Bôf! Périssez la pensée! (She smiles.) Non, ... n'importe quel livre édifiant fera l'affaire... Cependant, comme dit le proverbe, «on ne saurait faire boire un âne qui n'a pas soif» ! (She goes into Salice's dorm.) Ah, Salice, est-ce que vous vous installez ici ? (Her tone is solicitous.)

SALICE.
Oui, merci, Mademoiselle ; je m'y plais.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
C'est bon !... Et, quel livre est-ce que vous lisez ?

SALICE.
Je lis un roman de la baronne Orczy, Le Mouron Rouge conduit le Bal, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
C'est pas particulièrement édifiant, Salice ? (She smiles.)

SALICE.
C'est juste, Mademoiselle ; mais ses romans sont passionnants et faciles à lire. (Mlle G. nods, smiles, then leaves.)

POPSY.
Moi, Mademoiselle! ... Euh, ... Comme le trimestre dernier, est-ce que nous écoutons de musique classique chaque soir ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Oui, bien sûr, mes petites vautours de culture. Et ce soir, un suite orchestral de Telemann: Burlesque de Don Quichotte, en sol majeur, pour cordes et continuo... Bon. Quand la musique a achevé, n'oubliez pas d'éteindre vos lumières, s'il vous plaît. Bonne nuit, mesdemoiselles ! (Chorus of "Bonne nuit, Mademoiselle." She plays said music; then leaves.) ...


10.45 p.m. Five of the sans-culottes — Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo — are seated around a table in the pavilion ...

McKECHNIE.
À la ordre, messieurs. Quelqu'un a laissé une gerbe... de belladones, j'dirais. (He sweeps away the flowers.) Mmm,... On est cinq. Où sont Spats et les autres ?... Witters?

WITTERING.
Spats avait déjà commencé à lire Les Voyages de Gulliver ; et les autres sont bordés dans leurs lits, Duncan.

McKECHNIE.
Bien,... apparemment, ils veulent se refaire une virginité ce trimestre ; à chacun son dû !... D'abord et d'une, Flashy, quelle est ton impression sur cette nouvelle — Salice ?

FLASHMAN.
La plupart du temps, aujourd'hui, elle a gardé le silence pendant nos cours : ainsi, en ce momemt, je n'ai aucune ideé. Mais, chose intéressante, mon petit doigt m'a dit qu'elle est nièce de Arsenic !

WITTERING.
C'est surprenant ; après tout, Sig. Sal. n'est pas une peinture à l'huile ! Certainement, Salice n'a rien de son oncle.

McKECHNIE.
Mmm,... Passons au point suivant ?... Bob Oliphant Brummel. Quel nom ! Je te demande un peu !? On assume ses parents ont le sens d'humour capricieux ? (They all laugh softly.) ... Je suggère que nous lui donnons le sobriquet de «Beau»... On est d'accord ? (The other four all nod in assent.) Et maintenant, nous... (Z. interjects.)

ZIGO.
Chut ! Écoutez bien! (All five listen carefully.) ... Un bruit de sabots, n'est-ce pas ?

FLASHMAN.
Oui, Ziggy, les sabots des chevaux !

MERRIDEW.
Je jette un coup d'œil. (Cautiously, he looks through a pavilion window.) Mince alors ! Les quatre filles montent aux chevaux... On dirait, elles sont carrément, à plus d'un égard, «Les quatre pouliches» ! (The other four all groan good-naturedly.)

WITTERING.
Jack, quel calembour mauvais ! (M. smiles ruefully.) ... Qu'est-ce qu'elles font, maintenant ?

MERRIDEW.
Rien de particulier, juste... elles font tour de pavillon. Un moment ! C'est même bizarre !

ZIGO.
Qu'est que c'est que ça ? Les filles sont nues ?

MERRIDEW.
Tu veux dire les descendantes spirituelles de Lady Godiva ? Bôf ! Ça serait trop beau ! Non, chaque cape rouge est brodé à une lettre majuscule.

FLASHMAN.
Laquelle... ou lesquelles ?

MERRIDEW.
Euh,... Je les vois à peine... Ah ! Alice porte la lettre 'C' ; Chalice a la lettre 'G' ; Malice a la lettre 'A' ; ... et Salice a la lettre 'T'... C'est ça, oui.

ZIGO.
Tu plaisantes !?

MERRIDEW.
Pas du tout : voyez vous-même ! (The other four all look through the window; then whisper agreement.)

ZIGO.
Jack, sauf s'elles sont les hologrammes, tu as tout à fait raison !

FLASHMAN.
Bien sûr que oui ! C'est-à-dire, les initiales des bases que sont présentes dans l'acide désoxyribonucléique...

WITTERING.
Jack, m'est avis qu'elles sont «Les quatre Houyhnhnms» ou même «Les quatre cavalières de l'Apocalypse», peut-être ?... Quoi qu'il en soit, tout à coup, j'ai un peu froid. (He shivers slightly.)

McKECHNIE.
Moi aussi !... Lorsque les filles partirent, on retournerait à dorto ? (The other four all nod in assent.) ...


11.15 p.m. Listening to Telemann's Grillen-Sinfonie, Dr. S. walks over to his study's windows, and draws close the curtains; the trees are in full-leaf: and there are five ravens, each one carrying a model Yahoo in its beak, perched on the pavilion roof ...


11.00 a.m. One of the 5th-Remove's Science lessons in the 2nd week of the term ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good morning, Class. The standard of work reflected in your assignments continues to impress me favorably. But there is a fly in my soup; ... well, four flies to be exact. Brown, East, Mumford, and Unman each used my worksheet to construct a paper plane! (All four boys look guilty and embarrassed.) Brown, would be so kind as to come to the front?

BROWN.
Yes, Sir.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Refold your worksheet, and then let us see your plane fly. (B. folds same; then launches the paper plane, which rapidly spirals to the floor to a chorus of muffled, ironic cheers.) Thank you, Brown, please seat down now. ... I test flew the creations of the other three miscreants; they were no better than Brown's effort. Now, behold my effort. (He launches a paper plane, which glides gracefully around the room to a chorus of muffled noises of appreciation.) ... I consider the matter now closed: except to warn each one of you that my detentions are very laborious indeed! ... I'm returning your marked assignment, together with a pristine copy of my own version of the Table. (He returns each student's work, together with a copy of the Table below.)

Table of some important terms in Mendelian genetics
Term	Definition or Description
Gene *	The basic unit of inheritance; i.e., an inheritable characteristic
Allele †	One of a number of alternative forms of a gene; such alternatives arise one from another by mutations.
Genotype ‡	The alleles present for a specific characteristic
Phenotype	The physical/chemical expression of the genotype, as determined by the interaction between an organism's genotype and its developmental environment.
Dominant allele	One allele of a pair which has an effect on the phenotype when homozygous or heterozygous: shown in a genetic diagram by a capital letter; e.g., A
Recessive allele	One allele of a pair which only has an effect on the phenotype when homozygous: shown in a genetic diagram by a small letter; e.g., a
Codominant alleles	Both alleles of a pair have an effect on the phenotype when heterozygous: each is shown in a genetic diagram by a capital letter; e.g., B C
Sex-linked allele §	An alternative form of a gene which is carried on an X or Y (sex) chromosome: shown in a genetic diagram by a superscript over the chromosome; e.g., XD
Homozygous	Where two alleles for a characteristic are the same; e.g., EE or ee
Heterozygous	Where two alleles for a characteristic are different; e.g., Ee
F1 generation	The offspring of pure-breeding homozygous parents
F2 generation	The offspring of a cross between the F1 generation
* In Mendelian genetics, the terms gene and allele have distinctly different meanings. In molecular genetics, however, both terms have (rather unfortunately) acquired the same meaning; i.e., the sequence of nucleotides which code for the biosynthesis of one polypeptide (and, strictly, this can be the only self-consistent definition of an allele). And, to add to yet more confusion, there is a tendency to use gene (in the singular) when genes would be more appropriate (because many proteins consist of more than one polypeptide). † A mutation is the spontaneous change in the DNA or RNA nucleotide base sequence. ‡ Alleles can be very numerous, but, on the chromosomes, each gene can be represented by only two alleles (i.e., one paternal and the other maternal). § Sex-linkage is often determined from an examination of a family tree; thus, an unequal distribution of phenotypes between males and females is usually attributable to sex-linkage.

Dr. STUART.
Class! ... Your undivided attention, please. ... Dr. Brummel will be testing each of you for colour blindness, so as to obtain data for a planned lesson on this sex-linked trait; I will be discussing, with each of you, last term's exam; and, when you are not being seen individually, we would like you to do some background reading, and write a few sketch notes, on colour and colour perception. ... To start, Merridew with Dr. Brummel, and Alice with me ...


11.00 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. and Mrs. Pond are sleeping; their son is in his cot ...

BÉBÉ POND.
Gentle thespian, the first leaves of autumn have fallen at Narkover: but whether this is an evocation of the season of mellow fruitfulness or a fanfare of muted trumpets presaging the mixed blessings of Yuletide, is a moot point. However, what is certain is that there have been blots on the horizon of my otherwise blissfully simple and carefree existence: to wit, I have been plagued by females of the species. Thus, my lady mother has decided — certainly against my better judgement — that the maternal skills of le beau sexe at Narkover should be cultivated by contact with your decidedly reluctant hero; accordingly, I have been visited by platoons of the pinafore brigade, with their indignities. The visit from the Year 11's was a distinctly unsettling affair: ... I accepted their gift of 4 toy Trojan-horses, coloured white, red, black, and pale; though Malice, in her usual forthright manner, referred to me as plutôt laid — and, whilst I do tend to look at myself in a rose-tinted mirror, I feel sure that you'll agree that her description of me as "rather ugly" was more than a mite severe. Nevertheless, their visit was mercifully free of vocal inanities. Bôf ! Not so those of the Year 10's: ... with Lolli, Popsy, and Shandy leading the charge, these girls inflicted upon me the whole gamut of words and phrases in «The Horse Trialist's Revision Guide to Verbal Twaddle». But, "golly gosh", their phraseology proved a veritable Parnassus of prose compared to the mind-numbing nonsense uttered by the Year 9's: ... "aah", "de-de", "gug", and "coochi-coo" are merely a few examples of the gibberish perpetrated upon me. Admittedly, neither you nor I could or should expect these developing neophytes to serenade me with quotations from The Bard of Avon — whom, doubtless, they are flogging to death in their lessons — on t'other hand, there must be a disturbingly serious flaw in their education for them to consider that their babble will be understood by me. Be that as it may, I reached my nadir a couple of days ago with a visit from the Australian triplets, Holly, Molly, and Polly; their gushy balderdash, in triplicate, would have made a grown man weep, ... and certainly made me do so, with an unexpected, though pleasing, outcome: they vanished tout à coup. I intend to use this new weapon in my armoury ... (He yawns.) ... Misère !... Je vous prie de m'excuser ; j'ai sommeil... À tantôt !...


11.00 a.m. One of the 5th-Remove's Science lessons in the 4th week of the term ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good morning, Class. Dr. Stuart is indisposed this morning: so I will be flying solo. (He smiles; then launches a paper plane, which glides gracefully: the faces of the class show either neutrality or disdain.) I can see you have no intention of humoring me, so I'll move swiftly onto more serious fare! A couple of weeks ago, I tested everybody for color blindness; only one of your number proved so. ... Yes, Flashman?

FLASHMAN.
Me, Sir. I'm red-blind.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
That you are; thank you for being so upfront, Flashman. (He smiles warmly at F.; then addresses the class.) Flashman's trait, occasionally known as daltonism, affects about 8% of males in most Caucasian populations; so, it's not surprising to find at least one such student in a class of this size. ... Each human has at least one inherited trait that is less than ideal for perfect health or functioning. ... Yes, East?

EAST.
Sir, could you give us some examples, please?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Sure! ... Um, ... Because a textbook provides details, I'll limit myself to a few probable exemplars from within the school; ... I say probable, because I would need to examine both family pedigree charts and personal medical records to be certain. ... Dr. Stuart is short-sighted, ... Salice is asthmatic (S. nods.); ... Pattullo is diabetic (P. nods); ... and Mumford's hearing impairment may also be inherited. ... Speaking of which, Mumford, Matron Nightingale has asked me to remind you of your appointment with Dr. Krautmann this afternoon; at 2 p.m.?

MUMFORD.
Yes, Sir. ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Class, I would like to focus now on the inheritance of color blindness. ... And, our starting point will be the necessary background chemistry, which I have summarized on the board. (He scrolls down the same.)

... First, the rods and cones of the retina contain millions of molecules of rhodopsin. This pigment is biosynthesized by reaction of the bonded oxygen of 11-cis-retinal with a free amino group of the protein opsin. ... Because this reaction involves elimination of water, it is known as ...? Chalice!?

CHALICE.
A condensation reaction, Sir.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good! .... Here, of course, this will be an enzyme-catalyzed condensation reaction. ... And, second, the crucial primary process in vision involves photochemical isomerization of cis-rhodopsin to trans-rhodopsin; and, as the diagram shows, these are isomers. ... Defined as ...? McKechnie!?

McKECHNIE.
Er, ... Compounds which have the same molecular formula but different structural formulae, Sir.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good! ... Now, in order to obtain a partial understanding of the subsequent processes, you need to examine models of the two isomers. And so, working in pairs, I would like you to construct molecular models of cis and trans retinal. (The class get busy; about 5 minutes later ...) Brown and East, what is the most noticeable difference between the pair?

BROWN.
Well, Sir, the cis-isomer is much more compact?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Correct! This compact shape allows the cis-polyene fragment to sit snugly into a pocket on the surface of the opsin. By contrast, the trans-polyene fragment fits poorly into this pocket: and so the opsin changes its ...? Zigo? ...

ZIGO.
Topography, by any chance, Sir?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Excellent! This change in rhodopsin's 3-dimensional shape initiates a sequence of steps that results in nerve impulses being sent to the brain. ... Yes, Alice?

ALICE.
Sir, ... I thought, um, ... from my background reading, that there were at least five opsins?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Correct! Well done! One is blue-sensitive; another is red-sensitive; and the other three are green-sensitive. ... And, each opsin is coded for by one ...? Unman!?

UNMAN.
Gene, Sir.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good! And, this leads us neatly onto the genetic basis for the sex-linked trait of color blindness. Specifically, the red and green genes occur only on X-chromosomes: so, those males who lack one or the other dominant alleles display one of the two commonest types of color blindness; that is, red-blind and green-blind. (He scrolls down the board.)

... I have summarized the relevant genetics, for the inheritance of red-blindness, on the board; I will give you five minutes to read thru this information, before taking questions. (He do so; about five minutes later ...) Yes, Malice?

MALICE.
I read somewhere that the Y-chromosome is genetically empty. (She betrays the merest hint of a smile.) ... So, Sir, in a genetic sense, a female is unequivocally superior to a male?

WITTERING.
Bollocks!! ... Oh! ... I'm so very sorry, Sir. ... ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
I accept your apology: this first and only time. (His face and tone are severe.) However, whether Malice will be so magnanimous when you apologize unreservedly to her, ... as you undoubtedly will, (W. nods.) ... remains to be seen. Mmm, ... Setting aside your deplorable bad manners in using swear words in the presence of le beau sexe, Wittering, your choice of expletive was particularly infelicitous. ... Thus, the current evidence indicates that there is just one gene on the Y-chromosome; this is known as the testis determining factor (TDF) gene, and is ultimately responsible for all the anatomical, physiological and behavioral differences between the sexes. So, however galling it may be for the male ego, Malice's statement is, in essence, almost completely true. (All four girls smile quietly: all the boys look downcast.) ... Yes, Salice?

SALICE.
Sir, is the X-chromosome responsible for female traits?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Curiously, no! ... It's the absence of the TDF gene, on the Y-chromosome, which effectively determines the development of characteristic female traits. ... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
And, Sir, are these coded for by genes on the X-chromosome?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Once again, no; or, more precisely, not exclusively. Thus, genes coding for various aspects of sexuality are present on several chromosomes, apart from the sex ones. Moreover, the X-chromosome contains genes which are partially responsible for, amongst others, the normal development of muscle, skin, and cognitive abilities. Mmm, ... Merridew, you have been unusually quiet?

MERRIDEW.
Yes, Sir. ... I feel it is prudent to keep my counsel in the face of such overwhelming superiority. (With a poker face, he glances briefly at each girl.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Hmph! Wittingly, or, ... otherwise, ... with a few «master» strokes, I do appear to have rekindled the embers of enmity between males and females of the species in this class. (He smiles.) ... Be that as it may, in a perhaps vain attempt to douse the flickering flames, I think individual study would be most opportune. And, in this context, I would like you now to construct genetic diagrams for the phenotypes shown on the board. (The class get busy.) ...


2.00 p.m. In his bedroom, Dr. S. is reading in bed; Matron Nightingale knocks on his door ...

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (She enters.) Oh! Good afternoon, Matron.

MATRON.
Good afternoon, Dr. Stuart ! (Her tone is brisk.) I heard that you had taken to your bed. Now, what appears to be the problem!?

Dr. STUART.
Recently, I have needed to get up about three times a night to urinate; it's making me feel quite tired during the day.

MATRON.
Mmm, ... Has there been any further decrease in the force of your urine stream?

Dr. STUART.
Um, ... Possibly, yes, Matron.

MATRON.
Mmm, ... what about a further increase in the abnormal delay in starting the stream?

Dr. STUART.
Definitely, yes, Matron.

MATRON.
Those symptoms suggest to me that your prostate problem is getting worse; perhaps I should take a quick look?

Dr. STUART.
That is absolutely out of the question! I'm déshabille; and a gentleman does not... (She interrupts.)

MATRON.
Hmph! It's my view that a gentleman is nothing more or less than a grown specimen of manhood! ... But, please yourself! Let me see. ... Ah yes! At the moment, Dr. Krautmann will be conducting an ear-examination on Mumford, in Year 11; but I will ask him to pop in and see you when he's finished?

Dr. STUART.
Thank you, Matron. ...


4.35 p.m. Brown, East, Mumford, and Unman are mooching around the room allocated to the hobby of handicraft; Sig. Sal. enters ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti! Mi dispiace che sono in ritardo. ... La mia metà. (He sighs.) Now, last time we met, none of you had any clear ideas what you wanted to make this term. Dunque, giovanotti, any progress? ...

UNMAN.
Me and Scud... (Sig. Sal. frowns.) ... I mean, Scud and I would like to construct something using Gulliver's Travels as a theme, Sir.

EAST.
Yes, Sir. But Jock considers the idea a bit naff.

BROWN.
Oh, Sir, that's not true exactly; I think Hombré and Scud are misrepresenting me a bit. Er, ... I just feel we ought to tackle something ... different in some way?

Sig. SALIERI.
Fair enough. But, East, what has attracted you and Unman to Gulliver's Travels in the first place?

EAST.
Um, ... Dr. Brummel asked us to read the book, Sir; though I'm only about halfway through. (Sig. Sal. acknowledges.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Mumford, you're quiet. ... Didn't the doctor's appointment go too well this morning? (His tone is solicitous.)

MUMFORD.
Oh, not too bad, thank you, Sir. Dr. Krautmann said he'd like me to see an ear specialist to confirm his diagnosis.

Sig. SALIERI.
Bene! Ecco, ... Mumford, perhaps you have a good idea?

MUMFORD.
Well, Sir, I'm not sure that it is a particularly good one, but I thought ... er, ... some type of board game?

BROWN.
Oh yes, Sir! Um, ... Especially if we use Hombré and Scud's theme! (E., M., and U. all look enthusiastic.)

Sig. SALIERI.
That's settled then! ... But! (He looks downcast.) ...

UNMAN.
That's not fair, Sir! You said... (Sig. Sal. interrupts.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Il mio piccolo scherzo; mi dispiace. (He smiles; the boys look relieved.) Nevertheless, so that we can make progress next time we meet, you must complete reading the book and bring along some substantive ideas; whereas I will re-read the book. D'accordo? (The boys nod in assent.) ...


11.15 p.m. Sig. Sal., in a dressing gown, is looking out of his study's windows; his lady wife, Vespina, is in the bedroom adjacent to the study ...

VESPINA.
Arsenio !?

Sig. SALIERI.
Moi ? (His tone is distracted.)

VESPINA.
Oui ! Qui d'autre !?... Tu as oublié le beau sexe ?

Sig. SALIERI.
Certainement pas, ma chérie. (He sighs deeply but quietly.)

VESPINA.
Tu fatigues de moi, peut-être ?

Sig. SALIERI.
Péris la pensée ! (Then, under his breath ...) Jusqu'à ce que la mort nous separé !? (He sighs; grimaces; takes a deep breath; then goes through the connecting door.) Ah, l'amour de ma vie,... du chocolat ?...

________________________________________________________________________________________

1. There is an atom called hydrogen, whose nucleus occupies a volume which is lilliputian; its one, positively charged proton is balanced by one, negatively charged extra-nuclear electron: which occupies a volume which is decidedly brobdingnagian.

2. There is a 13th element named aluminium, that the Americans rather illogically call aluminum. This is no matter to a mad-hattered Yahoo, despite the existence of gallium, indium, and thallium too: but if one be a Houyhnhnm, such an infelicity might attract opprobrium.

3. There is a 16th element named sulfur, which the British mistakenly spell as sulphur. This is no matter to the Lady Godiva, nor to Dapple munching the alfalfa: but should her ass espy another, then linguistic niceties become a bother.

4. There should be stable elements in the sea of tranquility, although not yet discovered by scientists or Rosinante; they have been predicted by those Laputians of Lagado, who do hope to change the status quo: but their search may prove an exercise in futility, as were those windmills to Don Quixote.

________________________________________________________________________________________

11.00 a.m. The 5th-Remove's Science lesson on the last morning before half-term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. ... Thus far, you have seen and, indeed, practised exemplars of all but one of the terms in Dr. Brummel's Table of Mendelian genetics. (He waits as each member of the class roots out same. ...) That omission is rectified, now! (He scrolls down the board.)

... The blackboard shows the appropriate genetic diagrams for a straightforward example of codominance; which is splendidly illustrated by the common snapdragon, ... Antirrhinum majus. (He shows photographs of same to the class, who then start copying the genetic diagrams into their notes; about ten or so minutes later. ...) Although we have now finished work on classical genetics, this term, I'll give you forewarning that the topic will reappear next term; ... important traits like blood groups, sickle-cell anaemia, and haemophilia will all be on the menu. ... And now, I believe Dr. Brummel has a bonne bouche for you. ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Thank you, Alec. Yes indeed! (He smiles.) Class, so as to ensure that your brain cells are not wasting away over half-term, I have a modest assignment for you. (To a chorus of barely suppressed groans, he passes a copy of an incompleted table to each student. ...) The Table before you summarizes a few biotechnology processes. ... I have inserted the names of both the reactants and micro-organisms; and, what I would like you to do is determine either the name or the chemical formula of the product or products. ... Being as it is half-term, Dr. Stuart and I are going to allow you to leave class early: but, you might care to visit the library? (The class take their leave with indecent haste.) ...


11.00 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom on the first night of half-term, Mr. and Mrs. Pond are sleeping; their son is in his cot ...

BÉBÉ POND.
Gentle thespian, almost all the boarders have left for their half-term hols. Up until last year, my father had permitted any student to stay at Narkover over half-term. However, he revoked this privilege because several of the gentlemen — and I use the term loosely — in this Year 11 had indulged in several kinds of mischief during last winter's half-term. But, with admirable generosity of spirit, he has relented so as to allow the four young ladies in Year 11 to stay in the grace and favour apartment of Salice's uncle and aunt — the Salieris — ostensibly to celebrate Salice's impending 16th birthday; although, entre nous, I have overheard the occasional reference to both handicraft and Fortune-Tellers. ... Be that as it may, such parochial affairs must pale into insignificance when set alongside my impending celebration; to wit, my christening in La Rochelle! ... À tantôt !...

________________________________________________________________________________________

5. Few (if any) mature scientists would demur from the view that one's understanding of science is intimately connected to one's knowledge of structure and bonding. Unfortunately, the level of knowledge acquired by a student or a layperson, from a typical introductory course, is not sufficient to allow him or her to understand, even in part, most topics published in either popular or learned journals (such as New Scientist, Scientific American, or Nature).

Strictly speaking, there is no credible method of removing this barrier to understanding, apart from following an advanced course that contains the requisite technical details: and obviously, this may be, for a wide variety of reasons, either an undesirable or an impractical option. On the other hand, and in principle at least, the barrier can be partially removed by an ostensibly small increase in one's knowledge of structure and bonding, using Year 9 and 10 precepts of energy levels. ...

[5a] Energy Levels; Precepts [5b] Energy Levels; Atomic Hydrogen [5c] Energy Levels; Neutral Atoms [5d] Covalent Bonding; Mechanism [5e] Covalent Bonding; Localized Single Bonds [5f] Covalent Bonding; Localized Multiple Bonds [5g] Covalent Bonding; Delocalized Bonds [5h] Selected Theoretical Data

5a. Energy Levels; Precepts
Each diagram in Figure 5a(a-h) shows an infinite number of steps, each 1.0 m in height, and a 1.0 kg ball which is either occupying a step or being transferred from one step to another; each step may be correctly and usefully viewed as an energy level.

Figure 5a(a-h)

Figure 5a(a) shows a 1 kg ball occupying the ground step or, rephrased, the 1 kg ball is in the highest occupied energy level (HOEL); all the other steps are unoccupied, including, and in particular, the lowest unoccupied energy level (LUEL) positioned 1 m above HOEL. The energy (E) of the ball is 0 kJ (i.e., E = m × g × h = 1.0 × 10 × 0.0 = 0 kJ).

Figures 5a(b) and 5a(d) show, respectively, the ball being transferred from the ground to the 1st step (i.e., from HOEL to LUEL) and from the ground to the 2nd step; each process is endergonic (+DE); i.e., energy is absorbed (for example, by transducing chemical or mechanical energy to potential energy, via kinetic energy).

Figures 5a(c) and 5a(e) show, respectively, the ball now occupying the 1st and 2nd steps; it has acquired 10 kJ of potential energy on the 1st step [Figure 5a(c)] and 20 kJ on the 2nd step [Figure 5a(e)].

Figure 5a(f) shows the ball being transferred back from the 1st to the ground step: this process is exergonic (-DE); i.e., energy is released (which, typically, may be as heat and sound energy transduced from potential energy, via kinetic energy).

Figure 5a(g) shows the ball being transferred from the 1st to the 2nd step; once transferred it will have acquired another 10 kJ of potential energy. And, obviously, each similar transfer from a lower to a higher step (or energy level) will result in the ball acquiring the additional potential energy.

Figure 5a(h) shows the ball being transferred from the ground step (or HOEL) to the (idealized) infinite step, where the Earth's gravitational force will be zero; and, here, the ball will no longer be attracted to the Earth. So, with mischief aforethought, one can say that the hugely endergonic process of transferring the ball from HOEL to infinity, in discrete steps, will result in the ball becoming «ionized».

And finally, these precepts hold true: firstly, even when the steps are of non-uniform height (an interesting architectural phenomenon), though the numerical values would be different; and secondly, in both free and bonded atoms, where energy levels of non-uniform height tend to be the rule rather than the exception.

5b. Energy Levels; Atomic Hydrogen
Each diagram in Figure 5b(a-c) is a representation of the structure of a hydrogen atom, whose one electron is either occupying an energy level or being transferred from one energy level to another.

Figure 5b(a-c)

Figure 5b(a) summarizes the structure of the ground state of a hydrogen atom; i.e., a nucleus of 1 (positively charged) proton, 1 extra-nuclear (negatively charged) electron occupying the lowest atomic energy level (HOEL), and an illustrative number of unoccupied atomic energy levels of higher energy.

Figure 5b(b) summarizes two of several possible transfers of a hydrogen atom's single electron from one atomic energy level to another. First, its endergonic transfer from the ground level to the unoccupied energy level of lowest energy (i.e., from HOEL to LUEL), so forming a hydrogen atom (with increased potential energy) in its first excited state (H*). And second, its exergonic transfer from this excited state back to the ground state.

Figure 5b(c) summarizes the ionization of atomic hydrogen; i.e., the transfer of its electron from the ground-state (or HOEL) to infinity, so forming a hydrogen ion; the value of this hugely endergonic process, DE = +1370 kJ/mol, is known as the ionization potential of hydrogen.

5c. Energy Levels; Neutral Atoms
[The ground state electronic structure is the lowest-energy arrangement of the electrons in each free, gaseous, neutral atom of an element.]

Each neutral atom of an element consists of a nucleus of Z protons and (A - Z) neutrons, together with Z extra-nuclear electrons; where Z is the atomic number and A is the mass number. The extra-nuclear electrons are arranged in atomic energy levels; the first four of these can hold a maximum of 2, 8, 18, and 32 electrons, respectively. The ground state electronic structure of any atom is determined by a simple principle: namely, electrons are arranged in such a way that their total energy is a minimum. The Table below shows two different methods of representing such electronic structures for all 36 elements in Periods 1 to 4.

		Occupancies of the main energy levels	Occupancies of the sub-levels of the main energy levels (†)
Group	ZAtom	1st 2nd 3rd 4th	1st 2nd 3rd 4th
1	1H	1	1s1
18	2He	2	1s2
1	3Li	2, 1	1s2, 2s1
2	4Be	2, 2	1s2, 2s2
13	5B	2, 3	1s2, 2s2 2p1
14	6C	2, 4	1s2, 2s2 2p2
15	7N	2, 5	1s2, 2s2 2p3
16	8O	2, 6	1s2, 2s2 2p4
17	9F	2, 7	1s2, 2s2 2p5
18	10Ne	2, 8	1s2, 2s2 2p6
1	11Na	2, 8, 1	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s1
2	12Mg	2, 8, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2
13	13Al	2, 8, 3	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p1
14	14Si	2, 8, 4	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p2
15	15P	2, 8, 5	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p3
16	16S	2, 8, 6	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p4
17	17Cl	2, 8, 7	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p5
18	18Ar	2, 8, 8	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6
1	19K	2, 8, 8, 1	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d0, 4s1
2	20Ca	2, 8, 8, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d0, 4s2
3	21Sc	2, 8, 9, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d1, 4s2
4	22Ti	2, 8, 10, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d2, 4s2
5	23V	2, 8, 11, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d3, 4s2
6	24Cr	2, 8, 13, 1	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d5, 4s1
7	25Mn	2, 8, 13, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d5, 4s2
8	26Fe	2, 8, 14, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d6, 4s2
9	27Co	2, 8, 15, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d7, 4s2
10	28Ni	2, 8, 16, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d8, 4s2
11	29Cu	2, 8, 18, 1	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s1
12	30Zn	2, 8, 18, 2	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2
13	31Ga	2, 8, 18, 3	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p1
14	32Ge	2, 8, 18, 4	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p2
15	33As	2, 8, 18, 5	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p3
16	34Se	2, 8, 18, 6	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p4
17	35Br	2, 8, 18, 7	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p5
18	36Kr	2, 8, 18, 8	1s2, 2s2 2p6, 3s2 3p6 3d10, 4s2 4p6
† The superscripts indicate the number of electrons in each sub-level; for example, 3p5 means that there are 5 electrons in the 3p sub-level.

The detailed electronic structures, as shown in the right hand column of this Table, are included here only for reference purposes, because both their derivation and explanation are properly in the domain of an advanced course. The simplified electronic structures, as shown in the left hand column, can be conveniently represented by simple electron-structure diagrams; Figure 5c shows five exemplars.

Figure 5c

These simplified electronic structures beg an important question; i.e., are they over-simplifications? And, perhaps disturbingly, the brutally honest answer to this question is yes, ... under certain circumstances; as the following notes should both exemplify and illuminate ...

Professors F. Cotton and G. Wilkinson, who are both eminent scientists and co-authors of widely esteemed textbooks, having examined the data extensively and rigorously, have written: "Little of the chemistry of silicon can be inferred from that of carbon." And unsurprisingly, both the student and the layperson will, having noted that carbon forms more compounds than any other element apart from hydrogen, certainly receive this bald statement with disappointment and also probably with a degree of incomprehension; this latter because carbon and silicon are clearly anomalous to a useful rule of thumb: i.e., 'elements in the same Group of the Periodic Table show similar chemistry because they have the same number of valence electrons'. Furthermore, to compound one's misery, so to speak, a mature scientist, by drawing upon advanced theoretical models, would reason 'whilst carbon and silicon do have the same number of valence electrons (4), their chemistry should differ because of the very different characteristics of their occupied and unoccupied energy levels and sub-levels'.

Broadly speaking, the fundamental reason for every limitation which is revealed by the use of simplified electronic structures inherently lies in viewing the electron purely as a particle: whereas the properties of an electron are consistent with its dual behaviour as a particle and a wave. But, because the evidence for, and consequences of, this duality are in the domain of an advanced course, common sense dictates that one should acknowledge this important caveat: and then move on ...

5d. Covalent Bonding; Mechanism
Bonding between atoms, which occurs because the substance formed has a lower energy than its constituent atoms, is achieved by redistributing their valence electrons. And, in covalent bonding, the mechanism of redistribution involves the atoms sharing two or more electrons in one or more newly-formed molecular energy levels; as exemplified below ...

Consider two hydrogen atoms, Ha and Hb. The potential energy of each electron, in its own separate atomic energy level, is reduced when both electrons enter a molecular energy level which encompasses both nuclei; and, as a result of forming a covalent bond, their potential energy is transduced to heat energy: so, bond formation is an exergonic process.

Ha(g) + Hb(g) ——————————® H——H(g) DE = -432 kJ/mol

Figure 5d(a) shows a sketch graph which provides an alternative summary of the mechanism of bond formation in dihydrogen (and, in addition, its reverse; i.e., the dissociation of dihydrogen to atomic hydrogen).

Figure 5d(a)

The sketch graph above includes a method of representing the electronic structure of dihydrogen which is a fairly reasonable approximation to physical reality; of particular note, perhaps, is that the 2 electrons occupy 1 molecular energy level (as opposed to separate atomic levels), and that there is a LUEL above the HOEL.

However, similar representations for more complex molecules are rarely used because the larger number of atomic and molecular energy levels inevitably result in complicated diagrams. Accordingly, various types of simplified electron-structure diagrams are commonly used, including those used in this text; as exemplified by dihydrogen ... Figure 5d(b) shows (a simplified) electron-structure diagram and the structural formula of dihydrogen.

Figure 5d(b)

The advantages of this type of electron-structure diagram are two-fold: first, the retention of the atomic energy levels simplifies «electronic book-keeping»; and second, there is a very direct relationship to two standard methods of representing a molecule (namely, by its structural formula and by its chemical line formula). But, one disadvantage — shared, incidentally, by both structural and line formulae — is that it provides no visual clue or reminder that there are unoccupied atomic and molecular energy levels.

5e. Covalent Bonding; Localized Single Bonds
[The term localized covalent bond describes the mutual electrostatic attraction of two adjacent nuclei for a shared pair of electrons which occupy the same molecular energy level. ... A delocalized covalent bond describes the electrostatic attraction of more than two nuclei for a shared pair of electrons which occupy the same molecular energy level.]

The type of bond present in dihydrogen is usually referred to either as a localized single covalent bond or as a s bond; and, hydrogen fluoride provides another conveniently simple and typical example of a substance with a s bond. Figure 5e shows electron-structure diagrams of atomic hydrogen, atomic fluorine, and molecular hydrogen fluoride.

Figure 5e

A substance, be it an atom, molecule, compound or phase, which contains an unpaired electron is known as a free radical; two examples are atoms of hydrogen and fluorine, which each contain 1 and 7 electrons in their valence atomic energy levels, respectively. The potential energies of such unpaired electrons are reduced when they become part of a covalent bond; e.g., as occurs when a molecule of hydrogen fluoride is formed. Thus, the s bond in this molecule is formed for the same reason, and in the same manner, as molecular dihydrogen; i.e., one electron from the valence atomic energy levels of the hydrogen and fluorine atoms enter a molecular energy level which encompasses both nuclei. [Incidentally, the 6 remaining electrons of the fluorine atom also enter 3 molecular energy levels; because the data have shown these are almost completely localized on the fluorine atom, these electrons are considered to form 3 lone-pairs in 3 non-bonding (or n) molecular energy levels.]

5f. Covalent Bonding; Localized Multiple Bonds
Localized multiple bonding will occur between atoms if the resulting substance achieves a lower energy than that obtained by single bonding.

Figure 5f shows the electron-structure diagrams and structural formulae of ethene, ethane, and ethyne.

Figure 5f

These three molecules are similar, in the sense that each hydrogen is bonded to its respective carbon by a s bond, but obviously different in the bonding between their carbon atoms ... Thus, ethane contains only a s or localized single bond between the two carbon atoms. By contrast, ethene contains what is referred to as a localized double bond: though, perhaps contrary to one's initial expectations, these two bonds are not identical: one of them, the s bond, consists of two electrons in one molecular energy level; and the other, the so-called p bond, consists of two electrons in another (higher) molecular energy level. Whereas, ethyne contains what is referred to as a localized triple bond; i.e., one s bond and two p bonds, with each bond consisting of two electrons in different molecular energy levels.

5g. Covalent Bonding; Delocalized Bonds
Delocalized bonding will occur between atoms if the resulting substance achieves a lower energy than that obtained by either localized single or localized multiple bonding.

Formally, any covalent compound can be viewed as a structure containing atoms bonded by one or more localized single, double, or triple bonds; localized, because each pair of electrons occupies one molecular energy level which encompasses two adjacent nuclei. Nevertheless, accumulated experimental and theoretical data have provided unequivocal evidence that many covalent compounds can only be correctly viewed as structures containing atoms bonded by one or more localized bonds, and one or more delocalized bonds; delocalized, because each pair of electrons occupies one molecular energy level which encompasses more than two nuclei.

Figure 5g(a) shows the structural formulae of two isomeric dienes which illuminate the difference between localized and delocalized bonding.

Figure 5g(a)

Penta-1,4-diene can be correctly described as a skeleton of C-H and C-C s bonds, together with 4 electrons in 2 localized p bonds; one pair of p electrons localized between carbons 1 and 2, and the other pair of p electrons localized between carbons 4 and 5.

Penta-1,3-diene can be similarly described as a skeleton of C-H and C-C s bonds, together with 4 electrons in 2 localized p bonds; one pair of p electrons localized between carbons 1 and 2, and the other pair of p electrons localized between carbons 3 and 4. However, the lower total energy observed, by empirical and theoretical methods, is consistent only with a delocalized description; i.e., 4 electrons in 2 delocalized p bonds encompassing carbons 1, 2, 3, and 4.

The conventional structural formulae of these two dienes show that the 2 double bonds are separated by 2 single bonds in penta-1,4-diene but by only 1 single bond in penta-1,3-diene. Any compound which has such alternating multiple and single bonds (i.e., alternate p and s bonds), as in penta-1,3-diene, is said to be conjugated; and, its increased stability, as reflected by its lower total energy, is attributable to delocalization over the whole conjugated system.

Journals and textbooks tend to present the structural or line formula which reflects the localized description, because the reader is assumed to be capable of recognizing the presence of the conjugated system(s), but when the context demands that delocalization be explicitly notated, the conjugated system is shown by either a bold line or a dotted line; Figure 5g(b) shows various formulae, of two compounds, which exemplify the commonest methods used to represent conjugation and delocalization.

Figure 5g(b)

Delocalization reaches its zenith in cyclic compounds whose conjugated systems contain 6, 10, 14, or 18 p electrons; such cyclic compounds are usually referred to as aromatic; Figure 5g(c) shows the line formulae for both the localized and delocalized descriptions of four exemplars.

Figure 5g(c)

5h. Selected Theoretical Data
[During the final third of the 20th century, many of the finest minds, ... E. Clementi, M. J. S. Dewar, K. Fukui, R. Hoffman, J. J. Kaufman, W. N. Lipscomb, J. A. Pople, J. J. P. Stewart and W. Thiel, inter alia, ... have successfully developed the methodologies and algorithms which allow data to be calculated precisely, with a minimum of systematic and pseudo-variant errors, on either known or unknown molecules, compounds, or phases; such theoretical calculations explicity incorporate both the particle-wave duality of electrons and the energy-minimized geometry.]

Broadly speaking, theoretical calculations are used both to correlate and to predict the structure and reactivity of both known and unknown substances; and, perhaps unsurprisingly, provide an absolute plethora of data (commonly referred to as indices). However, to ensure clarity, this text presents a limited number of indices and excludes discussion of chemical reactivity. Nevertheless, to provide one with some degree of perspective, a few rules of thumb are summarized in this Table ...

Rules of thumb in the interpretation of certain theoretical indices
EH	The energy (E) of the highest occupied energy level (HOEL) is one measure of the ability of the substance to act as an electron donor or reducing agent; i.e., S ————————————————® [S]1+ + 1e-
EL	The energy (E) of the lowest unoccupied energy level (LUEL) is one measure of the ability of the substance to act as an electron acceptor or oxidizing agent; i.e., S + 1e- ——————————® [S]1-
DE (EH - EL)	The difference in energy (DE) between HOEL and LUEL is one measure of the ability of the substance to form an excited state; i.e., S ————————————————® [S]*
Net charge	One measure of the tendency of a given atom, either to accept an electron (atom has a net positive charge), or to donate an electron (atom has a net negative charge).

Intuitively, one has at least two expectations about covalent bonding: first, there should be differences between molecules in the energies of their occupied and unoccupied molecular energy levels (by analogy with the differences observed between atoms in their atomic energy levels); and second, there should be an unequal distribution of electron charge, known as polarization, when the nuclei either are non-identical or they have different bonding environments. Happily, theoretical calculations, underpinned by experimental data, provide extensive support for such expectations. ...

Figure 5h(a), which shows indices for five diatomic molecules, clearly reveals how these may differ as a result of replacing just one atom.

Figure 5h(a)

More often than not, a mature scientist's initial consideration of any given substance will be to view it as: 'A carbon skeleton, ... in which one or more of the carbons may have been replaced [e.g., with nitrogen (see pyridine above), oxygen or sulfur] ..., with one or more localized and/or delocalized bonds, ... which has one or more substituents (often referred to as functional groups)'.

Figure 5h(b), which shows indices for 5 cyclic hydrocarbons, provides a partial indication of how these may differ as a result of a change the degree of localization, delocalization, or conjugation.

Figure 5h(b)

Whereas Figure 5h(c), which shows indices for 8 substituted benzenes, provides a partial indication of how these may differ as a result of a change in just one substituent (or functional group).

Figure 5h(c)

And, penultimately ... Throughout the above text, the term energy level has been used where, in certain contexts, journals and textbooks would usually use the term orbital. However, the preference here for energy level is anything but whimsical: indeed, purposeful with a vengeance. The concept of an orbital, although not an intrinsically difficult one, is central to the theory which incorporates the particle-wave duality of an electron: and its casual use inevitably leads to misconceptions. Nevertheless, aside from the 1 kg ball on the «stairway to heaven», one could confidently replace energy level with orbital in the above text: but, one should be cautious in replacing orbital with energy level when browsing journals and textbooks.

The author of Tristram Shandy concluded his quasi-autobiography with an anti-climax; and whilst this does prove to be the satisfyingly logical end to this most unusually structured book, it is certainly conceivable that the author ended in this fashion because his public may have been evincing distinct signs of ennui [thus, the book, which was written in instalments, was published in serialized form (a common practice in the 18th and 19th centuries), over a period of nine years].

Scientific etiquette demands that the above text should conclude with a presentation and discussion of its caveats and limitations: but, such a conclusion, though probably necessary and certainly proper, would be an anti-climax. And so, in the spirit of a Laputian or a Yahoo, or even a Houyhnhnm (depending on one's perspective), this text ends with a bare statement (as distinct from a barren one): Theoretical data, limited to 4-dimensional physico-chemical parameter space [i.e., the 4 parameters, or 4 indices, of E(H), E(L), DE, and net charges], have been presented here, in non-graphical form, for 18 known substances. ...


11.00 a.m. The 5th-Remove's Science lesson on the first morning after half-term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen; I do hope each of you is refreshed from your half-term break: because the second half will be a longish haul! ... I will presume that you made a reasonable effort to complete the Table that was issued just before half-term? (He waits as each student roots out their copy of same. ...) However, so that we make swift progress, Dr. Brummel will give you a pristine copy of his completed version. (Dr. B. does so.)

Reaction schemes summarizing some typical biotechnology processes †

___ Thiobacillus ferrooxidans nFeS(s) + nO2(aq) + nH2O(l) ————————————® nFe2(SO4)3(aq) + nH2SO4(aq)

Methylococcus capsulatas C2H4(g) + O2(g) + H2O(l) ———————————————® HOCH2CH2OH(aq)

Acetobacter aceti C2H5OH(aq) + O2(g) —————————————————————® CH3COOH(aq) + H2O(l)

Methanobacterium thermautotrophicum C6H12O6(aq) ————————————————————————————® 3CH4(g) + 3CO2(g)

Saccharomyces cerevisiae C6H12O6(aq) ————————————————————————————® 2C2H5OH(aq) + 2CO2(g)

Lactobacillus lactis C12H22O11(aq) + H2O(l) ——————————————————® 4CH3CHOHCOOH(aq)

Saccharomyces cerevisiae C12H22O11(aq) + H2O(l) ——————————————————® 4C2H5OH(aq) + 4CO2(g)

Enterobacter aerogenes C12H22O11(aq) + H2O(l) ——————————————————® CH3CH(OH)CH(OH)CH3(aq)

Penicillium notatum Benzylpenicillin Nutrients —————————————————————————————® (C16H18N2O4S)

Pseudomonas stutzeri Vitamin-B12 Nutrients —————————————————————————————® (C63H88CoN14O14P)

Methylophillus methyltrophus Single-cell protein Nutrients [including CH3OH/NH3(aq)] ———® (SCP)

† Excluded here are enzymes that have been isolated [e.g., amylases, (thermophilic Bacillus spp.), cellulases (Clostridium thermocellus), b-galactosidase (Thermus aquaticus), glucose isomerase (Bacillus coagulans), and proteases (Thermus aquaticus)].

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Class! ... Listen up, please. Dr. Stuart and I have decided to divide the class, so that we can discuss this Table more thoroughly. ... Er, ... Alice, Salice, Brown, East, Mumford, Pattullo, and Unman with me; obviously, the other seven with Dr. Stuart. (The class divide for discussion.) ...


11.00 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom on the second night after half-term, Mr. and Mrs. Pond are sleeping; their son is in his cot ...

BÉBÉ POND.
Gentle thespian, you will be, undoubtedly, delighted to know that all of the boarders have returned from their half-term hols. Nevertheless, I suspect you are, understandably, agog to know the details of my christening in La Rochelle: but I am rather tired tonight, and so I will give here merely the edited highlights. Truth to tell, I would have been unaware of the entire ceremony — conducted, as one might expect, by my Uncle Benoît, Father Richelieu — but for an extreme measure taken by the aforementioned: who plunged me into icy cold water — when this priceless example of Dresden china would certainly have preferred to be baptized with a modest quantity of tepid water. ... Moreover, once awoken, two more shocks awaited me. First, I glanced up to find that my two godparents were none other than Dr. Stuart and Mlle Gossâge; needless to say, I had not been consulted. And second, I heard myself being given the Christian name of Newton; while the name Newton Pond entertains the appropriate resonance of gravitas, I would hazard the guess that it will also provide ample scope for low comedy when I go to school. ... However, my abiding memory from the service will be listening to the celebration of Mass that followed; the choir and orchestra of the Lycée Villiers performed Zelenka's astonishing Missa Circumcisionis. ... À tantôt !...


11.00 a.m. One of the 5th-Remove's Science lessons in the 8th week of the term ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good morning, Class. ... Because Dr. Stuart is, once again, unfortunately indisposed, I have revised our planned lesson. Mmm, ... You will need the following: the Table of selected biotechnology processes; Reference Sheets 1 and 2, which Dr. Stuart issued last term; rough paper; and your gray cells in absolutely prime condition. (He smiles; the class root out said documents. ...) When we discussed the «biotechnology» Table, immediately after half-term, Dr. S. and myself both pointed out two main disadvantages of each process: first, the organism's entire metabolic machinery was being used to obtain usually only one desired product; and second, product separation and purification was usually time-consuming and, therefore, expensive. ... The guiding maxim, in industry, is to obtain — in a safe environment — the maximum yield of the pure product in the minimum time. And so, industry, in their relentless pursuit of the optimum, have directed their attention to recombinant DNA technology: which, by and large, removes the disadvantages I have just mentioned. ... To provide you with a bird's-eye-view of one particularly important aspect of recombinant DNA technology, I have drawn a flow diagram on the board. (He scrolls down same. ...)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Currently, there are no simple experiments which would allow students of your age to obtain practical experience of such recombinant DNA technology: in contrast to several that are useful in examining straightforward fermentation; ... yeast, Saccharomyces species, and aqueous glucose, for example. ... Nevertheless, without some form of practical work, I suspect that my explanation of the flow diagram could go in one ear: and out of the other! Accordingly, we are going to make the process less abstract by using molecular models; and, once these have been constructed, I'll take you thru the diagram and answer your questions. ... Mmm, ... Let me see, division of labor. ... Ah, yes! Alice, Chalice, Malice, and Salice, you can construct a miniature chromosome containing the gene for Leu-enkaphalin. ... Brown, East, Mumford, Pattullo, and Unman, a miniature version of an unopened bacterial plasmid. And, ... (He sighs; then smiles.) ... Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo, I will entrust each of you to construct a model of Leu-enkaphalin. ... Action stations, please! (The class get busy.) ...


2.00 p.m. In his bedroom, Dr. S. is reading in bed; Dr. K. knocks on his door ...

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (Dr. K. enters.) Ah! Guten Abend, Gustav! Wie geht es... (Dr. K. interrupts; his face and tone are severe.)

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
Alec, I'm certainly in no mood to exchange pleasantries; nor am I on a mission of mercy! (Dr. S. looks humble.) Hmph! Last week, the consultant urologist phoned to ask me why you had not kept your appointment. I felt so foolish; I would have expected you, purely as a matter of good form, to have informed me: not least because we go back such a long way!

Dr. STUART.
I'm sorry, Gustav. ... I've been so busy.

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
Nonsense! You wouldn't accept such a feeble excuse from the most dim-witted pupil: so I'm damned if I will! Apart from wasting the urologist's invaluable time, (His tone then softens for the first time.) ... we both know full well that unnecessary delays will require more drastic treatment.

Dr. STUART.
To be perfectly honest, Gustav, I'm apprehensive.

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
I do know, old chum. (His tone is sympathetic.) I presume, partly embarrassment, because a «stranger» will be examining you and discussing your nether regions, and partly your fear that your enlarged prostate may not just be benign?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Gustav.

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
Alec, the urologist will only be a stranger the once; so, in effect, you would have to let slip your mask of the British «stiff upper lip» just that first time. (Dr. S. smiles.) My rectal examination last time certainly indicated that you do have an enlarged prostate: and this must be removed so as to reduce life-threatening kidney problems. But I don't have the expertise to determine whether there are malignant growths: or, put bluntly, whether you have prostate cancer. So, Alec, you have only one apposite course of action? ...

Dr. STUART.
Gustav, would you be so kind as to make another appointment for me?

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
Already done, Alec! It is on the 21st December.

Dr. STUART.
But, Gustav, surely I will be staying with you and your lady wife then?

Dr. KRAUTMANN.
Precisely, Alec! Marianne and I will be watching you like a pair of hawks; benevolent, or otherwise! ...


4.35 p.m. Brown, East, Mumford, and Unman are mooching around the room allocated to the hobby of handicraft; Dr. B. enters ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Hi! Signore Salieri has asked me to supervise your activity this afternoon; I believe he is preparing to take his better half to the opera Pimpinone tonight. ... Ah! (He points to a largish table, covered with objects.) Is this the novel board game, based on Gulliver's Travels, about which Sig. Sal. has been waxing so lyrically?

UNMAN.
Yes, Sir. (His tone is one of pride.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Excellent! May I have the guided tour, please?

UNMAN.
Well, Sir, we've decided on three playing areas. (He points to each area in turn.) These are the islands of Lilliput, Brobdingnag, Balnibarbi, and Houyhnhnm; er, ... this is the sea between the islands; ... and this perimeter represents the rest of civilization.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Splendid! And, what is this? (He points to a construction hovering above the island of Balnibarbi.)

UNMAN.
Oh! That's the flying island of Laputa; and it moves, Sir! Yes, Mumsy, show Dr. B. how it moves! (M. does so.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
That's really impressive, Mumford. But how are you getting Laputa to move up and down as well across Balnibarbi?

MUMFORD.
I can't tell you that, Sir; it's a trade secret! (The boys and Dr. B. all laugh.) However, what I can tell you, Sir, is that it involves electromagnets and variable resistors. (Dr. B. acknowledges.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Your craftsmanship is superb, ... but, how does one play the game!? ...

BROWN.
I'm afraid we're a bit stumped there, Sir. ... We're sort of thinking along the lines that, ... maybe the players should execute tasks appropriate to the inhabitants of each island? (Dr. B. nods.) But we haven't got to the details yet, Sir.

EAST.
No, Sir; nor have we got a scoring system. ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Mmm, ... I would make the general point that you do not need to limit yourselves to Gulliver's Travels as the only source of inspiration. ... Certainly, what one could do is consider applying the techniques of juxtaposing and transforming. ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
I'm sorry, Sir; you've lost me.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Fair enough. First, let's consider juxtaposing facts and/or ideas. ... Brown, you have already decided to use islands in your game. ... Have you seen or read two of Shakespeare's plays which are partly or completely set on islands; namely, Othello and The Tempest?

BROWN.
No, Sir, though I expect Spats probably has; he's our Year's resident bookworm. (Dr. B. smiles.) But we did Lord of the Flies as a set book in Year 10; that's set on an island. (Dr. B. gives B. an encouraging look.) ... Are you suggesting, er, ... we could merge, somehow, the events on that island with one of those in our game?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
No, Brown; I am not suggesting anything! ... However, what, in general terms, you have suggested is that a re-reading of that or any other book — no bad idea in itself — might provide elements which could be incorporated into your board game, perhaps after transformation. ... Now, East, you might recognize the transforming technique by executing an example yourself: so listen very carefully! (E. looks nervous.) ... Currently, the game has one dice, which has six sides, and each side has a number. Clear? (E. nods.) Good! So, now bend or transform each of those facts. ...

EAST.
Um, ... We could have more than one dice; ... with each dice having five or seven sides; and, each side having a letter?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Excellent! (E. looks chuffed.) Now, ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, I was just thinking, er, ... if we had tetrahedrally shaped dice, we might letter them 'A', 'C', 'G', and 'T'?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
And, why would... (E. interrupts.)

EAST.
Oh yes, Sir! Then if we had three of them, each throw would generate an amino acid; that could be the basis of a scoring system.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Good thinking, the pair of you! ... One minor point, though, East, one might throw a combination corresponding to a stop codon; for example, TAG. (E. nods.) ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, do you have any more tips, please?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
That I do. ... But, Mumford, those really are trade secrets! (All four boys groan good-naturedly.) ...


11.15 p.m. A sartorially challenged man is throwing small stones at Dr. Brummel's windows; after a short time Dr. B. opens one ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Who goes there!? (His tone is irritable.)

M. SCROOGE.
Ah, enfin ! Bonsoir, Bob, c'est M. Oliver Scrooge ici-bas ; le directeur de Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Oui, je vous vois. Et alors !? (His tone is very frosty.)

M. SCROOGE.
J'ai voyagé de La Rochelle de vous voir. Comment va Mme votre épouse ?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Chandeleur va bien, merci. Mais, je commence à avoir froid : ce n'est pas le moment de bavarder aimablement ! Qu'est-ce que je peux faire pour vous aider !?

M. SCROOGE.
J'ai besoin de vos compétences pour notre nouveau procédé de fabrication, Bob.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
La flatterie ne mène à rien, Monsieur.

M. SCROOGE.
Mais, Bob, veuillez revenir... (Dr. B. interrupts.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Vous plaisantez ! Absolument pas ! En outre, il n'y a pas de pièce à cette auberge... Au revoir, M. le directeur ! (He closes the window; then turns to his wife ...) Mmm, ... Now, Honeybun, where were we? ...


11.00 a.m. One of the 5th-Remove's Science lessons in the 10th week of the term ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. ... Dr. Brummel will be outlining the revision programme in a few minutes, so I will take the opportunity of presenting, for your delectation, an optional puzzle to be solved during the Christmas holidays. (He scrolls down the blackboard.)

Dr. STUART.
The board shows the chemical line formulae of two natural products, both of which have relevance to a topic which we will be discussing next term. I would like you to try and determine, in the broadest sense, how they are similar and different. You will need to copy down each formula and name accurately. (The class get busy; a few minutes later ...)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Dr. Stuart and I have decided that this end-of-term's exam should be one of the open-book variety; that is, you will be allowed to refer to both notes and books. (Smiles all round from the class.) Mmm, ... From your pleased expressions, I'd guess that each of you is laboring under a false impression. The exam will not be any easier, simply because none of the questions will require you to recall facts: every question has been designed to test understanding. Thus, for example, you will not be required, in this exam, to define an allele: but you may be required to determine, from genetic diagrams, whether a given allele is dominant, recessive, codominant or sex-linked. (Frowns all round from the class.) Accordingly, you must start your revision program by combing thru your files and noting down each aspect you don't understand: then you can corner Dr. Stuart or myself for different or further explanations. ... Class, may I suggest that there is no time like the present ? (The class get busy.) ...


11.00 p.m. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. and Mrs. Pond are sleeping; their son is in his cot ...

NEWTON POND.
Gentle thespian, the first snow flakes of winter have fallen at Narkover: but whether these are exemplars par excellence of symmetry in Nature or harbingers of increased mortality, is a moot point. However, what is certain is that there has been a flurry of activity with the young at play. ... Par où vais-je commencer ?... Ah, oui !... One of Narkover's oldest traditions is the judging of dormitory Christmas decorations by the Matron and the Headmaster's wife. And, two days ago, Matron Nightingale and my lady mother — with me in tow, papoose-style — toured the dormitories, which I found to be a pleasurable experience. Nevertheless, my obligation to verisimilitude does require me to chronicle two unsettling aspects. Premièrement, there was a seemingly endless number of questions whose gist was 'what had I asked Santa to bring me for my first Christmas': but, in so far as these putative adults know as well I do, presumably, that «Postie» does not hop on a sleigh to the North Pole, I'm completely bemused by their collusion in perpetuating the polite fiction of Father Christmas. Et deuxièmement, apart from some splendid models of nativity scenes, I espied — almost completely tucked away in one Year 11 female dormitory — a scale model of the pavilion, with 4 toy Trojan-horses, coloured white, red, black, and pale; within this model were 5 male dolls dressed in the manner of sans-culottes avec bonnets rouges; and each doll contained wooden splinters, fashioned into guillotines, pierced through its body: ... so, not unsurprisingly, I had the distinct frisson of déjà vu. However, as I look through the window upon the school grounds — which are festooned with snowmen: but, curiously, not one single snowwoman — I do feel... (He yawns.) ... Misère !... Je vous prie de m'excuser ; j'ai sommeil... À tantôt !...

________________________________________________________________________________________

6. Once upon time, there was a godfather, named Don Grillosa, who went to Holland, in the company of his godson, Porphyrin, a graffiti artist, in order to invest in tulips. On the last day of their trip, Porphyrin sprayed the rotor blades of a windmill with synthetic transducers: and, ever since, whenever it is windy, or sunny, or windy and sunny, the duo reflect upon the wisdom of their decision to invest in tulips.


7. Once upon a time, there was a Swiss peasant, named Heidi Pomme, who wrote an opus titled L'Admission au suffrage de la population femimine de Suisse en 1971 ; l'importance du chocolat et des pendules à coucou ? Two social scientists, from Lagado, acclaimed this work to be seminal: but, a third man, from Vienna, who was ensconced in a ferris wheel which was transducing potential and kinetic energy, stated "Plus ça change !" Undaunted, Heidi published another opus, titled Le Myth de Guillaume Tell ; les arbalètes et les flèches de la chance outrageuse ?


8. Once upon a time, there was a chimney sweep, called Sauron Midas, who was poorer than a typical church mouse. He eked out an existence which was necessarily mean: but had his soot contained just traces of fullerene, he would have been unknowingly as rich as Croesus. ... And had his master, the feckless chap Wooster, fractionally separated the tar sands yet further, he may have been as rich as creosote, gasoline or naphtha ... But the factotum Jeeves, who ate boiled fish on leaves and who had built a catalytic cracker from mere sieves, proved richer than Ali Baba's miserable thieves.

9. Once upon a time, there were three witches from Salem, who huddled round a cauldron making Fortune-Tellers. One day, they were visited by a pretty, naive shepherdess named Mary Contrary, who was accorded three predictions: "Mary, you will have a little lamb; and its fleece will be as white as snow: but everywhere your Dolly will go, scientists will be sure to follow."

________________________________________________________________________________________

10.00 p.m. On the last night of term, Mlle G. and Mrs. B., having completed their inspection of the Year 10 and 11 dorms, are standing at one end of a corridor ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mesdemoiselles ! (She trills. Their high-spirited cacophony ceases immediately.) Alors, où sont les quatre filles de la première classe? (No response.) ... Shandy?

SHANDY.
Oh, Mademoiselle, je sais pas... Elles étaient lá quelques minutes avant.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mais elles ne sont pas... (Breathing rather heavily, the four Year 11 girls hove into view with two large suitcases.)

ALICE.
Désolé, Mademoiselle, nous avons eu besoin de ces valises.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Oui, peut-être bien : mais, inutile de vous rappeler que les retards ne seront pas admis !?

MALICE.
Nous sommes désolées d'être en retard. (She and the other girls are pictures of studied innocence.)

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mmm,... Au lit ! Et dépêchez, s'il vous plaît : on ne va pas y passer la nuit !

SALICE.
Oui, Mademoiselle, aussitôt dit aussitôt fait !

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mesdemoiselles, parce que c'est la fin du trimestre, il n'y aura pas une période de lire. En conséquence, ce soir, vous pouvez bavarder ou continuer de faire vos valises... Mais, je pense que votre édification culturelle, pour ainsi dire, doit continuer. Ainsi, ce soir, la musique comme d'habitude ! Écoutez bien un ballet de Boismortier : Don Quichotte chez la Duchesse... Bonne nuit, mesdemoiselles ! (Chorus of "Bonne nuit, Mademoiselle." She plays said music; then leaves.) ...


10.45 p.m. Five of the sans-culottes — Flashman, McKechnie, Merridew, Wittering, and Zigo — are seated around a table in the pavilion ...

McKECHNIE.
À la ordre, messieurs. Hmph ! Quelqu'un a laissé une gerbe : encore une fois ! (He sweeps away the flowers.)

FLASHMAN.
Duncan, ce sont des marouns rouges ? (Mc., M., W., and Zigo all burst out laughing; then ...)

McKECHNIE.
Aïe ! Flashy, pas du tout ; ce sont des belladones.

WITTERING.
Oui, Flashy, ces fleurs ne sont ni rouges ni écarlatés !... Un moment !... Merde !... Nous avions oublié que Flashy est daltonien. Rouge-aveugle, n'est-ce pas ?

FLASHMAN.
Oui. Je ne peux pas distinguer entre rouge et vert.

MERRIDEW.
Flashy, accepte nos excuses, s'il te plaît.

FLASHMAN.
Ça va de soi. Pas de problème... Mais, de quelle couleur sont-elles ?

ZIGO.
La belladone a les feuilles verd éteint et les fleurs violètes et verdâtres : plutôt laides, à mon humble avis... Flashy, tu as encore l'air soucieux ; as-tu préoccupe par ta condition médicale, peut-être ?

FLASHMAN.
Non, Ziggy. Après tout, j'ai hérité la fichue chose : alors, bel et bien, «je blâme les parents» ! (He smiles; Mc., M., W., and Z. all laugh softly.) ... En fait, je réfléchissais que nous ne sommes plus que l'ombre de nous-mêmes.

MERRIDEW.
Mmm,... Je suis d'accord avec toi. Même j'ai été amener à chanter à la célébration de Noël demain ! (He groans.)

ZIGO.
En effet, Jack, nous sommes devenus citoyens modèles !

WITTERING.
Quelles beaucoup de couilles mitées ! (They all laugh.)

ZIGO.
Witters, je parlais au sens relativ : comme tu le sais bien !

WITTERING.
Bien sûr que oui, Ziggy ! (He and Z. both smile.)

McKECHNIE.
Excusez-moi, messieurs: la voix de la raison ici !... À part les avertissements des filles et de «Beau» — le premier jour de ce trimestre, si vous vous souvenez — on a vu une augumentation massive de notre charge de travail dans la première classe !

MERRIDEW.
C'est tout vrai, Duncan... Par contre, la diversité est le sel de la vie, sûrement ?

McKECHNIE.
D'accord ! Et j'en suis !... Les petites vacances prochaines, nos copains français du Lycée Villiers viendront chez nous... Alors, est-ce qu'il y a des idées ?... ...

ZIGO.
Nous pouvons continuer le thème des Mousquetaires ?

MERRIDEW.
Peut-être, mais c'est pas... (W. interrupts.)

WITTERING.
Ah, oui ! ... (W. accompanies his exclamation with a thump on the table; as a result, the floor of the pavilion collapses. And, to the accompaniment of a cacophony of noise and curses, the table, chairs, and sans-culottes all fall through the large hole in the floor, and come to rest in a tangled mess.) ...


11.15 p.m. Listening to Vivaldi's Juditha Triumphans, Dr. S. walks over to his study's windows, and draws close the curtains; the trees are leafless: but there are no ravens perched on the pavilion roof ...


9.00 a.m. On this last day of term, Mlle G. takes a roll-call for her last French lesson with the 5th-Remove ...

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs. ... Tout d'abord, je fais l'appel. Mlle Salice Albero.

SALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Brown.

BROWN.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
East.

EAST.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Flashman. (No reply.) Mlle Malice A. Forthort.

MALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Mlle Alice Lidell-Lonsdale.

ALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
McKechnie. (No reply.) Merridew. (No reply.) Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Piggy : mort... Mlle Chalice Poison.

CHALICE.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Unman.

UNMAN.
Présent, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Wittering. (No reply.) Zigo. (No reply.). Unman, où sont les autres, s'il vous plaît ?

UNMAN.
Ils sont chez l'infirmerie, Mademoiselle.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Pourquoi donc ?

UNMAN.
Je suis pas sûr, Mademoiselle. Apparemment, le parquet de pavillon s'est effondré ; mais les details sont insuffisants.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Merci beaucoup, Unman... Oui, Malice ?

MALICE.
Mademoiselle, on suppose que les planches avaient des vers ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
C'est ça, ou «Les vers sont dans le fruit» ? (She gives each one of the girls a brief, quizzical look through her monocle.) Mmm,... Quoi qu'il en soit,... Mumford, comment vont-ils, s'il vous plaît ?

MUMFORD.
Il n'y a rien de grave, Mademoiselle. Le docteur Krautmann vient de les voir ; il n'a trouvé que des écorchures et des fouloures sans importance... Et, dans quelques jours, tout sera de nouveau sur pied.

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Merci, Mumford... J'attends avec plaisir de leur retour le trimestre prochain... Oui, Alice ?

ALICE.
Mademoiselle, on doit faire les devoirs ces vacances ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Misère ! J'ai failli oublier. Merci, Alice. (She gives A. a warm smile; and then sighs. ...) Je dois perdre la boule dans ma vieillesse ?... Euh,... Je voudrais un commentaire de chapitre 9 du livre au programme... Oui, Brown ?

BROWN.
En combien de mots, Mademoiselle, s'il vous plaît ?

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
En 400 mots environ : mais, ne pas sacrifier la qualité pour la quantité !... Et maintenant, j'ai des bulletins scolaires à faire. (She holds aloft a small sheaf of school reports.) De quoi vous occuper pendant le reste du cours : sans bruit, bien sûr ! (She smiles.) ...


11.00 a.m. In a laboratory, Drs. S. & B. take their last Science lesson of the term with the 5th-Remove ...

Dr. STUART.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Dr. Brummel and I spun a coin to determine which of us would write your reports; I, unfortunately, drew the short straw: Dr. Brummel will, therefore, be completing this lesson. So, without... Yes, Pattullo?

PATTULLO.
Sir, ... is there any chance of you giving us any more clues for the puzzle about those two natural products, ... please?

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... I'd prefer not to. (As one, the class emit muffled groans and moans.) Oh dear! Perhaps, ... Let me think. ... Ah, yes! One indirect clue. (He smiles.) I will write on the board a familiar equation. (He does so, as shown below; and then leaves the room, clutching a sheaf of reports.) ...

Catalase                                    
2H₂O₂(aq) —————————® 2H₂O(l) + O₂(g) DE = -205 kJ mol^-1

Dr. STUART.
I presume everybody has now read Gulliver's Travels? (Nods of assent from those assembled.) Excellent! ... Now, Unman, if I recall correctly, you asserted at the beginning of term that Gulliver was a children's book. Have you changed your opinion in the interim?

UNMAN.
Yes, Sir. ... I had thought it was just about his encounters with the pygmies of Lilliput and the giants of Brobdingnag.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Whereas?

UNMAN.
Well, Sir, there is so much more to it, er, ... particularly in Parts III and IV; though, to be honest, Sir, I don't really understand it all.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
You and me both! Gulliver's Travels is one of several books which, regrettably in my view, have acquired the status of being for children. But, ... Yes, Alice?

ALICE.
Sir, regrettably?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Yes. ... Consider this. Alice in Wonderland and Tom Sawyer are both books about, and written for, children. ... But, in the States, and over here I'd guess, their nominal sequels — Through the Looking-Glass and Huckleberry Finn — are both classified as children's books. Admittedly, they can be, and have been, bowdlerized and sanitized for children: but, their range of language and ideas is most suitable for young adults, ... say, Years 9 to 11, ... who are developing into mental swans with a vengeance. ... However, because of this specious classification, most students about your age, as well as most teachers, consider such books to be «infra dig». (He looks pensive. ...) Wasted opportunities? ...

CHALICE.
Sir, did you like Gulliver's Travels?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
No, Chalice, I did not.

MALICE.
But, Sir, you made us read it!

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Hold on there, Malice, that's not true at all! ... Setting aside the faintly bizzare notion that one can make a student do anything these days, ... and, the very dubious assumption that what is worthwhile must necessarily be enjoyable, ... I merely stated that I would like you to read Parts III and IV.

MALICE.
Fair enough, Sir. But, Sir, why didn't you like the book?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
When I first read Gulliver, as a young teenager, I was very frustrated because of the numerous satirical references to British political and social life in the early 18th century. Well, as you can imagine, British domestic history did not feature in my high school curriculum; ... and, indeed, this omission was perfectly reasonable: after all, we were still suffering under the yoke of your British colonialism at this time! (He smiles.) ... Yes, Salice?

SALICE.
Sir, you imply that you've read the book more than once. ... Why don't you like it now? ...

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Mmm, ... I'm afraid I loathe satire as a genre; I have a gut feeling that it has precisely the opposite effect to that intended. ... Yes, Brown?

BROWN.
I'm sorry, Sir, I don't understand.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
I would like to give you my reasoning, such as it is, but I do feel that I would probably be coloring your prospective judgments. ... Yes, East?

EAST.
Sir, couldn't you give us at least a clue, please?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Mmm, ... Perhaps? ... Alright. Let us restrict ourselves to Gulliver's Travels. ... There appears to be no evidence that Swift's satirical references had any noticeable effect on his contemporaries; the majority of whom would have neither understood nor cared about the intimated vices and follies. And the minority, who would have understood, could be split into two groups: the first, those without power, who would have appreciated the satire, ... but, only in the manner of savoring an otiose private joke; and the second, those with power, who would have recognized the important points being made, ... but, rather perversely, would have basked in the reflected glory: ... the points themselves would have been water off a duck's back. ... Oh! And one final point. ... Swift may have knowingly been disingenuous in the extreme, because he himself was thoroughly established as part of the charmed circle who wielded power. ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, unless I'm mistaken, you asked us to read Parts III and IV in the context of «projects»? (Dr. B. nods.) Although I see a sort of relevance in Part III, I'm still a bit hazy?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Ah! Thank you, Mumford. I had intended to initiate a class discussion in this final lesson: but, regrettably, without Flashman et al., that will have to be postponed. ... So, may I suggest — with the permission of Mumford et al. — we adjourn to the handicraft room, so that the rest of you can check out their developing board game, based on Gulliver's Travels? (All nod in agreement.) ...


2.45 p.m. In a classroom, Sig. Sal. takes his last Gen. Studies lesson of the term with the 5th-Remove ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Ciao, tutti!

CLASS.
Ciao, Professore.

Sig. SALIERI.
Mi dispiace. No lesson today. ... Yes, East?

EAST.
Because, presumably, you have reports to write, Sir?

Sig. SALIERI.
I do: but, for a change, that is not the reason. Several of your confrères, including Merridew, are in the sanatorium as a result of their nocturnal activities. And, ... because he had a duet with Pattullo at the carol concert, I may need to make changes to this evening's programme. Pattullo, do you think he will be well enough to perform tonight?

PATTULLO.
I don't know, Sir. He was a bit groggy this morning, but he was sitting-up in bed at lunchtime. ...

Sig. SALIERI.
Fammi pensare un attimo. ... Ma sì, I will go now and have a word with Matron Nightingale, and see if the good lady will allow me to remove him temporarily from her tender care. ... Pattullo, I'll see you in the chapel for our last rehearsal; say, in about 15 minutes time?

PATTULLO.
Yes, Sir.

Sig. SALIERI.
Bene! ... Class dismissed! Ciao! ...


5.45 p.m. Chalice, idling her time away near the dining room, notices Pattullo hurrying along with a guitar ...

CHALICE.
Hi there, Spats! (P. comes to a halt.) Why are you lugging around your guitar?

PATTULLO.
Jack and I have been having a last-minute practice; Florence wouldn't allow him to rise from his «sick bed» for the final rehearsal.

CHALICE.
Oh, and how did that go otherwise?

PATTULLO.
Pretty good. I'm glad that we're performing in the second half of the concert, because the Year 10 girls' performance of Ryba's carol will steal everybody's thunder.

CHALICE.
Mmm, ... I gather our parents are meeting after the concert to finalize the details of your visit to La Rochelle after Christmas, ... to see in the New Year chez nous?

PATTULLO.
Yes, I believe they are. I'm certainly looking forward... (The bell for high-tea rings.)

CHALICE.
Never mind. Good luck in the concert. ...


10.30 p.m. On the first night of the vacation; all the boarders have left after the carol concert. In the Headmaster's bedroom, Mr. Pond is browsing through his stamp album; his wife is reading a book; and their son is in his cot ...

Mrs. POND.
Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Oui, ma chouette ?

Mrs. POND.
Je voudrais une tasse de chocolat chaud, s'il te plaît.

Mr. POND.
Oui, oui... (His tone is weary; as he reaches the door ...)

Mrs. POND.
Mais,... j'ai pas soif du tout.

Mr. POND.
Aïe !... Mais, le bébé !?

Mrs. POND.
Bôf ! Pas de problème. Cette nuit il peut dormir dans la nursery d'à côté.

Mr. POND.
Ma chouette, aussitôt dit aussitôt fait ! (He takes the cot next door to the nursery; then speaks softly to his son.) Mon héritier, comme tu vois, «la patience est mère de toutes les virtus». Dors-toi tranquille... (He then switches on the nursery's night light; and tiptoes out.) ...

NEWTON POND.
Gentle thespian, at the risk of sounding a shade immodest, I would consider myself to be one who deals with the arrows of outrageous fortune with a large measure of equanimity: but, tonight, I'm miffed! Admittedly, no reasonable person could sensibly compare my temporary banishment to a snug nursery with that of exile to the frozen wastes of Siberia: however, this is decidedly cold comfort to me, in so far as I am, for the first time in my relatively uneventful life, tout seul. Moreover, I cannot conceive the significance, or otherwise, of my father's mots bien choisis. For example, whilst I was being transferred from the master bedroom to the nursery, he whispered to me — in an enigmatic tone of voice — Je ne veux pas que tu tiennes la chandelle; this colloquialism means, I believe, "I don't want you playing gooseberry": but I'm afraid that the relevance of, or indeed the relationship between, chocolate and the humble goosegog is well beyond my compass. ... Naturally, my tale of woe will have caused the milk of human kindness to flow freely from, forgive me, your breasts. Nevertheless, as I draw to a close, I suspect that you would like the answers to a pair of questions that have been rattling around your mental jewellery box. ... First, "Why, when he is still in diapers, has this sprog sprinkled his autobiography with French words, in an affected manner?" ... Whilst, in your minds, I may not be able to overturn the charge of pretentiousness, and whilst I may be culpable of a second charge of self-delusion, I do feel that the following explanation might contain just a smidgen of rationale. ... In Through the Looking-Glass, the Red Queen enjoins Alice to "Speak in French when you cannot think of the English for a thing ..."; an enjoinder which appears most peculiar to me, not least because Alice, though uncommonly precocious, was, I presume, an otherwise typically educated English rose. Be that as it may, from the time of my serendipitous conception to the present, my mother has enjoined Narkover's pupils to: "Parlez en anglais si, et seulement si, vous ne pourriez pas vous souvenir des mots français." I am but the child of my lady mother, who may be my Red Queen. ... And second, in view of my earlier references to Tristram Shandy, should one: (a) hot-foot it to the nearest store to buy a copy of same; (b) pen a note to one's favourite aunt and hint that, this year, rather than sending one's annual supply of cardigans or sox, her bounteousness might just embrace a copy of same; or (c) remain in blissful ignorance? ... Well, self-evidently, any answer I might give to this second question will necessarily include an unwanted element of subjectivity, however slight: and so, I think that only my own minimilist overview will be sufficiently neutral. ... Justifiably, in my opinion, nearly all critics have drawn attention to, and heaped praise upon, the quite exceptional structure of the novel ... as a novel: however, ever since its first publication, there has been a continuing — but not necessarily fruitful — debate about the merits of its contents. ... Otherwise put, perhaps like this autobiography of mine, and so much else in contemporary life since time immemorial, Tristram Shandy may be an undeserving triumph of style over substance. Accordingly, as my pompous godfather Dr. Stuart would probably intone, Caveat emptor! Et, maintenant, à bientôt !... Joyeux Nöel et Bonne année !

Playlet 5 (Spring Term 2):
Les Fêtes sauvages