{Mark Twain (S. L. Clemens), the distinguished American novelist, wrote in Pudd'nhead Wilson, The Century Company, New York, 1893-1894: "One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. ..."}

Presented here, for the Year 12 student who would like to widen further his or her perspectives in an unorthodox manner, are two fragmentary points of discussion which could be mulled over.

Also included here, to leaven these fragments, are selected scenes from the summer term of Narkover College's second year as a co-educational, bilingual establishment. [... Narkover's illustrious founder, a German prince, bequeathed several unusual artifacts to the school, including a type of stone gibbet known as a Rabenstein (so named because ravens are wont to perch on same). In the second half of the nineteenth century, the Governors chose to position this macabre object at the heart of the school's quadrangle, for four reasons: firstly, it served as a memorial to the aforementioned prince, who died in 1861 (of natural causes, one hastens to add); secondly, it provided the pupils with a vivid reminder of one disadvantage of deviating from the straight and narrow; thirdly, it acted as a passion killer (and thus complemented the daily régime of cold showers); and fourthly, it resonated with Narkover's long-standing renown as a raven sanctuary. ... Ever since the school's foundation, in 1859, parents of Narkoverians have, with a sense of awe and wonderment, commented upon the aptitude of each parent raven to distinguish his or her offspring amid the cacophony emitted from the various nest sites: but, curiously, have not had a similar sense when they too distinguish the tones of their own offspring amidst the cacophony emitted when the school sings a cappella. This genre of unaccompanied vocal music was introduced to Narkover, in 1894, by Signore Geppetto, who, in order to supplement his vanishingly small income as the school's wood engraver, accepted a commission from the Headmaster to compose «the» school song. While Geppetto's mastery of pine wood was unequalled, his musical and literary accomplishments were nugatory: and so, in order to fulfil the commission, he adopted the maxim of «need hath no law» and proceeded to plagiarize both music (the minuet of Luigi Boccherini's string quintet in A major, Op.11 no.5) and text (an Italian paraphrase of Edgar Allan Poe's poem The Raven). As a consequence, from 1894, Narkover's pupils developed the tradition of singing Geppetto's «composition» around the Rabenstein in the quadrangle. However, in 1907, this tradition stopped abruptly; and both his manuscript and the stone gibbet were interred in the cellars. The reasons for these actions are not documented, but one presumes that the newly appointed Headmaster, a fine scholar of romance languages, immediately recognized both the original source of the text and its principal theme: to wit, the death of a beautiful women. ...]

PLAYLET 9: La Capricciosa

10.30 p.m. First night of term. In their bedroom, the Headmaster and his lady wife are in bed ...

Mr. POND.
Aïe !

Mrs. POND.
Bassett, qu'est-ce qu'il y a ? Tes parties inférieures font encore mal ? (Her tone is solicitous.)

Mr. POND.
Oui, Euphémie ; un peu. ...

Mrs. POND.
T'en fais pas... De toute façon, ta chasteté forcée peut-être un bienfait caché ? (Her tone is mischievous.)

Mr. POND.
Comment !?

Mrs. POND.
Eh bien,... «l'abstinence attise les grandes passions».

Mr. POND.
Hmph !!...


2.45 p.m. One afternoon during the 1st week of term. Dr. Stuart takes the Lower 6th-Remove (Year 12) for their first lesson of General Studies ...

Dr. STUART.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Sir. ...

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Salice Albero.

SALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Constance Bonacieux.

CONSTANCE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Brown.

BROWN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Shandy Drynck.

SHANDY.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
East.

EAST.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Flashman.

FLASHMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Malice A. Forthort.

MALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale.

ALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
McKechnie.

McKECHNIE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Merridew.

MERRIDEW.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Mumford.

MUMFORD.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Pattullo.

PATTULLO.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Piggy: mort. ... Ms. Chalice Poison.

CHALICE.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Popsy Rice.

POPSY.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Flora Stuart.

FLORA.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Lolli Stich.

LOLLI.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Ms. Trudi Taplow.

TRUDI.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Unman.

UNMAN.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Wittering.

WITTERING.
Present, Sir.

Dr. STUART.
Zigo.

ZIGO.
Present, Sir. ...

Dr. STUART.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, ... I thought it might be a good idea to use one period each week as supervised free-study, (General murmurings of approval from the class.) and to use the other for each pair's oral presentation of their «Proust Questionnaire». (General murmurings of disquiet.) ... Yes, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Sir, Father Richelieu said nothing about a presentation!?

Dr. STUART.
Oh dear! How remiss of him — since that was certainly part of his thinking when he floated the idea to me. But, never mind; ... where there's a will, there's a way! (He smiles.) ... Yes, Wittering?

WITTERING.
And, Sir, ... what if there is no will?

Dr. STUART.
Well, Wittering, if that is a roundabout way of indicating that you wouldn't wish to present your questionnaire in class, then: so be it. ... I do assure that I will not think anything worse of you! (He smiles wryly.) However, if any pair does decide to keep their «lights hidden», please have the courtesy to inform Mlle Backson beforehand. (General expressions of bemusement.) ... Yes, Merridew?

MERRIDEW.
Excuse me, Sir, but where exactly does Mlle Backson fit into the scheme of things?

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! (He frowns.) I think I'll need to have words with le bon père; ... for some reason, he appears to have been less than forthcoming. ... Mmm? ... No matter! ... Mlle Backson has generously consented to cast a benevolently watchful eye over each presentation. ... Now, let me see? ... Yes, Flora?

FLORA.
Sir, when Chalice and I popped in to see the Headmaster last term — when he was convalescing — he said to us that you had agreed to reconsider your decision not to write a play?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, I did agree. ... ... ...

CHALICE.
Sir, and?

Dr. STUART.
Well, my position remains unchanged, (General mutterings of disapproval.) Let me finish, please. ... in the sense that I'll not hold myself a «hostage to fortune» by giving a firm undertaking to write one. Nevertheless, I do plan to give the matter some serious thought this term; and hope — rather pessimistically, I must confess — that the Muse and I become bedfellows, so to speak, during the long vacation. ... Now, unless anybody else wishes to ask an awkward question, (His tone is not inviting.) may I suggest that you put the rest of this lesson to profit by working on your questionnaire or play? (His tone brooks no discussion.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 2nd week of term; Mlle Backson in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Miss. ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Salice, are you and Popsy ready?

SALICE.
Yes, Miss.

Mlle BACKSON.
Good! ... Please remind us of the drama you are writing; and then proceed. ...

SALICE.
Yes, Miss. (She and Popsy take their positions at the front of the class, with their oft-consulted notes and diagrams — Flora having been given adapted versions of same beforehand; there is a suitably positioned projector.) Our play is called Willow, Weeping? ... And this is our anthropomorphic Proust questionnaire. ... What are you?

POPSY.
2-Hydroxybenzoic acid, commonly known as salicylic acid. ...

SALICE.
Where do you live? ...

POPSY.
Whilst I occur naturally in a wide range of plants, my value as a synthetic intermediate means that I must be synthesized commercially in fairly large quantities — typically by this route: (She places this transparency on the projector.)

SALICE.
What is your most marked characteristic? ...

POPSY.
The presence of two functional groups — namely, an alcohol and a carboxyl group (She points to each of these in turn.) — which means that I can react with an acid or an alcohol to form ester derivatives. ... Three important examples are: (She places this transparency ...)

POPSY.
Acetylsalicylic acid — commonly known as aspirin — is an analgesic; methyl salicylate — commonly known as oil of wintergreen — is used in liniments; and phenyl salicylate is used as an antiseptic and as an antipyretic. ...

SALICE.
What is your principal defect? ...

POPSY.
Having a low solubility in water. ...

SALICE.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? ...

POPSY.
Being discovered to have a use as an agricultural biocide; in particular, to be a replacement for one or more of those synthetic biocides which accumulate in food chains. ...

SALICE.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? ...

POPSY.
Being labelled as an unsuitable analgesic, on account of my bitterness and my tendency to irritate the stomach. ...

SALICE.
What quality do you most admire in something? ...

POPSY.
An ability not to irritate. ...

SALICE.
What is it you most dislike? ...

POPSY.
An ability to irritate. ...

SALICE.
To what fault do you feel most indulgent? ...

POPSY.
Certain bacteria having proteins that induce my biosynthesis as a defence hormone in species of willow and poplar. ...

SALICE.
Who is your favourite composer? ...

POPSY.
Ian Anderson, the principal lyricist-composer of the rock group Jethro Tull; his numerous melodic compositions include a song called Pussy Willow. ...

SALICE.
Who is your favourite artist? ...

POPSY.
Claude Monet, the French Impressionist painter. In Saules Pleureurs, painted in 1919, the haunting images of weeping willows standing beside a lily pond may be the expression of his intense grief at the sufferings that had occurred on the battlefields of the First World War. ...

SALICE.
Who is your favourite author? ...

POPSY.
William Cowper, the English poet and co-author of the Olney Hymns. In his poem The Task, written in 1785, he wrote the beautiful lines: "We pass a gulf in which the willows dip Their pendent boughs, stooping as if to drink." ...

SALICE.
Who is your favourite character in fiction? ...

POPSY.
Mr. Toad; the most outrageous of the riverside characters created by Kenneth Grahame in his 1908 classic The Wind in the Willows. ...

SALICE.
Who is your favourite character in history or real life? ...

POPSY.
Hippocrates, the Greek physician, who, more than 2,400 years ago, recommended to his patients that pain may be eased by chewing the bark of the willow tree. ...

SALICE.
What is your favourite living organism? ...

POPSY.
The weeping willow, Salix babylonica. ...

SALICE.
What living organism do you most despise? ...

POPSY.
The willow leaf beetle, Plagiodera versicolora. ...

SALICE.
What natural gift would you most like to possess? ...

POPSY.
A greater solubility in water, because this property might have resulted in my use as an antiseptic. ...

SALICE.
What is your greatest fear? ...

POPSY.
That my ingestion by children and teenagers may trigger the potentially fatal disease known as Reye's syndrome. ...

SALICE.
What would you have liked to be? ...

POPSY.
Methyl salicylate — because of its wonderful fragrance. ...

SALICE.
What is your present state of mind? ...

POPSY.
Cautiously optimistic, because research may establish if my relatively high content in fruits and vegetables is one reason why vegetarians suffer less heart disease and bowel cancer than non-vegetarians. ...

SALICE.
Would you be capable of killing? ...

POPSY.
Yes; I'm toxic in large quantities. ...

SALICE.
What is your motto? ...

POPSY.
«Traces of salicylic acid a day may keep both heart disease and various cancers at bay.» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Popsy and Salice. (She gives each girl a smile of appreciation; then addresses the class.) Any questions? (The class are mute, with an air of uncomfortableness.) No? ... Mmm? ... Fair enough. (She smiles; then waves a hand in the direction of the door.) ...


10.15 p.m. Same night. In one of the dormitories, Alice, Constance, Malice, and Salice are drinking cocoa as they discuss this and that ...

ALICE.
Heu,... Je suis en train de penser que ce serait dommage si nous quittions cette école sans laissant derrière aucune de notre existence ?...

CONSTANCE.
Oui ; je suis d'accord, Alice.

SALICE.
Tu veux dire une capsule témoin... contenant quelques documents représentatifs de notre époque ici ?

ALICE.
Pas exactement, Salice ; c'est un peu passée, non ? Qu'est-ce que tu en penses, sœurette ?

MALICE.
Moi, j'ai pensé de quelque chose beaucoup plus importante : les vestiges des «sans-culottes» — ils ont été anormalement bien élevés pour bien trop longtemps.

CONSTANCE.
Peut-être leurs bêtises sont vraiment dans le passé ?

MALICE.
Bôf ! Moi, je n'aurai jamais confiance en eux ; pas même deux pas...

SALICE.
Mais, heu,... Flo m'a dit que Flashy a été attentionné sans hésitation.

MALICE.
Oui ; je suis consciente de cela... Mais, permets-moi de te rappeler qu'«une hirondelle ne fait pas l'été», et aussi, «si tu veux la paix, prépare la guerre»...

SALICE.
Oui, mais, comme on dit «ne réveillez pas le chat qui dort».

ALICE.
Je vous en prie, ça suffit ! (She smiles.) Ces proverbes me donnent un mal à tête. (They all share laughter.) De toute façon, on s'écarte du essentiel.

MALICE.
Alors, que faisons-nous de ces «pénibles» ?

CONSTANCE.
Nous ne sommes pas obligées de faire rien. Heu,... (M. interrupts.)

MALICE.
Comment ! Nous ne pouvons pas rester les bras croisés et ne rien faire.

CONSTANCE.
S'il te plaît, Mally, accorde-moi une minute d'expliquer !

MALICE.
Ô ! Bien sûr. Désolée, Conny. (She smiles engagingly.)

CONSTANCE.
Eh bien, à mon avis, nous avons besoin juste de fournir des avertissements discrets et énigmatiques à la fois.

ALICE.
Ce semble bien... Mais, comment ?... ...

SALICE.
Quelques «Diseuses de bonne aventure» — en paille ?...

ALICE.
Ça me plaît !... Peut-être les vielles idées sont les meilleures ?

CONSTANCE.
Bien sûr que oui. De plus, si nous parsemons ces poupées partout l'école, dans le fonds nous laisserions aussi nos propres capsules témoins.

MALICE.
Tu es un génie ! En effet, nous tuerions «deux oiseaux avec une pierre». (There is chorus of good-natured groans from A., C., and S.) Quoi !? (She smiles.) C'était une occasion irrésistible ! (They all share laughter.) ...

ALICE.
Et, maintenant, nous devrions tourner notre attention au bal à la fin de trimestre.

CONSTANCE.
Oh ! Quelle barbe d'être le comité organisateur pour cela.

ALICE.
Pas du tout ; ce n'est qu'une question de délégation.

CONSTANCE.
Peut-être bien, Alice : mais nous n'avons même pas choisi le thème encore ! (Her tone is one of slight exasperation.)

SALICE.
Ah ! J'ai eu une idée là ; un thème nautique, peut-être ?

MALICE.
Pour aucune raison particulière ? (She looks surprised.)

SALICE.
Oui ; en fait, au moins deux... D'abord, le lac servira de toile de fond ; aussi, nous aurons des «recrues volontaires», parce que Jock et ses copains sont toqués de toutes choses nautiques. ...

ALICE.
Ça m'a l'air d'une piste prometteuse !

MALICE.
Je suis d'accord, sœurette. Heu,... Salice, m'est avis que tu as les profondeurs cachées ! (Her tone is one of teasing admiration.)

SALICE.
En effet ! On pouvait dire «les apparences sont trompeuses» ! (They all share laughter; then Alice looks at her watch.)

ALICE.
Quel dommage : c'est l'heure d'aller se coucher !...


4.35 p.m. One afternoon during the 2nd week of term. In a room used for the hobby of needlework, Lolli, Popsy, Shandy, and Trudi are engaged in carefully packing their own hand-made, early-19th century theatrical costumes ready for dispatch; Shandy starts day-dreaming ...

........................................................................................
[Start of day-dream sequence.]

Shandy «imagines» L., P., T., and herself — dressed as early-19th century young ladies — to be sitting at the feet of a comfy rocking chair which seats Mrs. Brummel [i.e., Mrs. B.], the wife of a U.S. Army lieutenant, engaged in embroidering quilts with motifs based on the flowers and the berries of the Deadly Nightshade, in a sitting-room within the barracks of Fort Brady, Sault Ste. Marie (United States), on 13th November 1828 ...

SHANDY.
Ma'am, will Lieut. Brummel be joining us this afternoon?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
I wouldn't know, to be sure; there being such an increase in activity at the Fort.

LOLLI.
Oh dear! Are the savages planning an attack?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
No such bad news, Lolli: indeed, quite the contrary. ... My dear husband tells me that Capt. Wilcox has, this very day, sent a post rider to Adjt. Gen. Jones, in Washington City, informing him that he has received a letter from the officer commanding the British troops at Drummond Island, one Lieut. Carson, stating that he had finally received orders from the Commander of the Forces to turn over the public buildings to our Government.

TRUDI.
Not before time, Ma'am; it has been a good three years since the boundary commissioners determined that Drummond Island was rightfully ours under the 1814 Treaty of Ghent. (Mrs. B. looks at her askance.)

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
You appear to remarkably well-informed, young lady! (Her tone is gently teasing.)

TRUDI.
Learning is my passion, Ma'am. (Her tone of pride belies an expression of social embarrassment.)

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Mmm? Splendid in its way, Trudi, but I must offer a gentle note of caution: to wit, our menfolk do not find education in ladies to be an admirable quality. ...

POPSY.
Excuse me, Ma'am, but why have the British dilly-dallied for so long?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Influence; no more, no less. Their government has sought to maintain their pernicious influence over the various tribes around these lakes, particularly the Chippewas, by fair means or foul — usually the latter. (Her tone is decidedly acerbic.)

LOLLI.
Foul means, Ma'am?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Indeed! The British believe that gaudy baubles and copious supplies of King's rum will secure the amity of the natives as well as their furs. Hmph! Little do they realize that these children of Nature are fickle; and, as such, they need to be civilized.

SHANDY.
In what way, Ma'am, if you please?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Well, as the good William Ferry is showing at his boarding-school on Mackinac Island, the natives can only take their place in our society rooted in Christianity and enlightened government when they have been taught the English language, sound republican principles, the virtues of agriculture — and, above all, the teachings of Our Lord. ...

LOLLI.
Er, ... Ma'am, is that why we are making these quilts — as Christmas presents for the natives?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Bless my soul, Lolli; the very idea! (She looks shocked.) No; these are for the comfort of the British families who are to remove to Penetanguishene from Drummond Island before the year's end.

TRUDI.
Christian charity and altruism, then, Ma'am?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
No, my dear Trudi; not entirely, I am somewhat ashamed to admit. (She adopts a conspiratorial tone.) Between you, me, and these fort walls, our moral high-ground is — shall we say — slightly lower in this regard. The design on these quilts will serve as a discreet warning to the British that we Americans will not be trifled with. ...

POPSY.
But, Ma'am, I don't understand how this can be so. Surely the juice of the Belladonna plant merely allows the eyes of ladies to look more beautiful. (She looks confused.)

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Indeed; when taken in moderation. ... However, Atropa — the first part of its botanical name — comes from the Greek word atropis, which means «to cut the thread of life». And so, throughout history, it has been the agent of all manner of dark deeds; for example, when Duncan was King of Scotland — from 1034 to 1040 — Macbeth's soldiers poisoned a whole army of Danes with a liquor treated by an infusion of this plant.

TRUDI.
Excuse me, Ma'am, but, er, ... are these the same people as in Shakespeare's play?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Nominally; but no more than that. Shakespeare's history and characters bear little resemblance to... (An exclamation by Shandy halts her in mid-sentence.)

SHANDY.
Ouch!

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
What's the matter? (Her tone is solicitous. No response.)

[End of day-dream sequence.]
........................................................................................

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Shandy! ... Shandy!! (S. wakes up to find Mrs. B., L., P., and T. all looking at her with concerned faces.)

SHANDY.
Yes, Ma'am ... I mean, er, ... Miss?

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
I think that the state of your thumb merits the attention of Matron Nightingale? (S. looks at her right thumb, which is slightly bloody.)

SHANDY.
Oh drat! Somebody must have left a tacking pin in one of the costumes. ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 3rd week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs.

CLASS.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle...

Mlle BACKSON.
Trudi et Constance, est-ce que vous êtes prêtes ?

TRUDI.
Oui, Mademoiselle. (She and Constance [ibid] ...) Notre drame est nommé Oseille, petite ?... Et notre questionnaire anthropomorphique de Proust est comme suit... Qu'est-ce que vous êtes ?

CONSTANCE.
La phtalocyanine de cuivre, c'est-à-dire la tétrabenzotétra-azaporphyrine de cuivre ; l'un des composés innombrables appelés phtalocyanines — ou, en anglais, phthalocyanines — qui sont des composés macrocycliques apparentées aux porphryines: (She places this transparency ...)

TRUDI.
Où est-ce que vous habitez ?...

CONSTANCE.
Je ne me trouve pas à l'état naturel : au contraire, je suis un produit chimique de synthèse ; et voici un résumé de deux de mes synthèses : (She places this transparency ...)

TRUDI.
Quel est le principal trait de votre caractère ?...

CONSTANCE.
Une haute stabilité chimique, à cause de ma structure plane, cyclique et qui contient 18 p-électrons délocalisables...

TRUDI.
Quel est votre principal défaut ?...

CONSTANCE.
Une solubilité très basse dans tous solvants ordinaires, sauf l'acide sulfurique concentré...

TRUDI.
Quel est votre idéal de bonheur parfait ?...

CONSTANCE.
Pour élargir ma importance scientifique et économique non négligeable...

TRUDI.
Quel est pour vous le comble de la misère ?...

CONSTANCE.
La perte permanente de ma structure aromatique...

TRUDI.
Quelle est votre qualité préférée chez quelque chose ?...

CONSTANCE.
Une capacité pour agir comme réactant avec moi, sans provoquant cette perte-ci...

TRUDI.
Que détestez-vous par dessus tout ?...

CONSTANCE.
N'importe quel réactant dont provoque cette perte-ci !...

TRUDI.
Pour quelle faute avez-vous le plus d'indulgence ?...

CONSTANCE.
Le désir d'une substance seulement de se lier faiblement avec moi ; par exemple, à la manière d'un p-complexe...

TRUDI.
Qui est votre compositeur favori ?...

CONSTANCE.
Arthur Sullivan, compositeur de l'époque victorienne, parce que sa musique est pleine de couleur...

TRUDI.
Qui est votre artiste favori ?...

CONSTANCE.
Pablo Picasso, peintre, sculpteur et dessinateur catalan ; les années de 1901 à 1905 constituèrent sa «période bleue» — nommée ainsi en raison des teintes de bleu dominant dans ses œuvres...

TRUDI.
Qui est votre auteur favori ?...

CONSTANCE.
William Schwenck Gilbert, avocat, dramaturge et l'auteur des livrets des opérettes de «Gilbert et Sullivan»...

TRUDI.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans la fiction ?...

CONSTANCE.
Pooh-Bah, l'un des personnages dans The Mikado de Gilbert et Sullivan, parce que — comme moi — il joue un si grande nombre des fonctions...

TRUDI.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans l'histoire ou dans la vie réelle ?...

CONSTANCE.
Sir Patrick Linstead, parce qu'il a entrepris les premières études systématiques des phtalocyanines...

TRUDI.
Quel est votre organisme vivant favori ?...

CONSTANCE.
L'Homme, Homo sapiens, parce que son effort a pour résultat la levée de mon obscurité injuste...

TRUDI.
Quel organisme vivant méprisez-vous le plus ?...

CONSTANCE.
L'oiseau bleu de bonheur, Cyanoavis beatitas. (She and T. exchange a smile, which prompts Chalice, Flashman, Pattullo, and Mlle B. to do likewise; everyone else expresses a look of bemusement.) ...

TRUDI.
Quel est le don de la nature que vous aimeriez avoir ?...

CONSTANCE.
Une plus grande solubilité, soit dans l'eau, soit dans un solvant organique ordinaire...

TRUDI.
Quelle est votre plus grande peur ?...

CONSTANCE.
Je n'ai aucune ; je suis intrépide ! (Everyone smiles.) ...

TRUDI.
Qu'auriez-vous aimé être ?...

CONSTANCE.
La porphyrine de cuivre, ma «cousine spirituelle»...

TRUDI.
Quel est l'état présent de votre esprit ?...

CONSTANCE.
Je suis optimiste, parce que les démarches en matière de phtalocyanine se déroulent bon train...

TRUDI.
Est-ce que vous capable de tuer ?...

CONSTANCE.
Oui, en principe, puisque ma toxicité aiguë est modérée chez les animaux de laboratoire. Toutefous, d'après les données disponibles, ma présence ne semble pas présenter un risque significatif pour la santé humaine...

TRUDI.
Quelle est votre devise ?...

CONSTANCE.
«Les propriétés de la phtalocyanine de cuivre sont utiles de suivre.» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Merci, Constance, et Trudi. (She gives each girl a smile of appreciation; then addresses the class.) Est-ce qu'il y a des questions ? (The class remain mute, with an air of uncomfortableness.) Non ? Bizarre. (Sotto voce) D'accord ! (She waves a hand in the direction of the door.) ...


5.45 p.m. Same afternoon. In his study, Dr. S. is smoking his pipe whilst listening to Vivaldi's violin concerto RV315 («Summer» from «The Four Seasons»). Mlle B. arrives outside the door; then she knocks ...

Dr. STUART.
Veni! (Mlle B. opens the door.) Good afternoon, Charlotte! Please, do come in. (His tone is warm and encouraging. She casts a discreet but disapproving glance in the direction of his pipe.)

Mlle BACKSON.
Er, ... No; no, thank you.

Dr. STUART.
Oh! I do apologize. (He mutes the music.) That's better! (She shakes her head; then smiles.) How may I help you?

Mlle BACKSON.
Well, thus far, two pairs in the 6th-Remove have presented their «Proust questionnaires»; and their presentations have been adequate — though not very expansive, I'm afraid.

Dr. STUART.
Oh! That's a bit of a shame.

Mlle BACKSON.
More importantly, however, on each occasion, the class have not been prepared to question the presenters.

Dr. STUART.
Oh? ... Ah! Presumably they are under the baleful influence of the bloody-minded «sans-culottes»?

Mlle BACKSON.
No; I don't think so. There appears to be an agreement — by one and all — not to ask questions, for fear of embarrassing the presenters. ...

Dr. STUART.
Mmm! Then, I suppose their attitude must be viewed as being highly commendable.

Mlle BACKSON.
I would agree whole-heartedly, except that I do not believe for one moment that they understand all the material that is being presented.

Dr. STUART.
Oh dear! (They both look concerned.)

Mlle BACKSON.
Furthermore, an inability to answer a particular question must be considered of no consequence, surely? ...

Dr. STUART.
Yes; absolutely! Mmm? ... A «word to the wise» would appear to be required.

Mlle BACKSON.
A tactful one! (She smiles.)

Dr. STUART.
I promise I will be tact personified. (He smiles.)

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Alec. ... À tantôt! (She closes the door.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 4th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Miss. ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Hamish and Scudamore: ready?

BROWN.
Yes, Miss. (He and East [ibid] ...) Mine and Scud's play is called Seven Tin Soldiers; and our anthropomorphic Proust questionnaire is as follows. ... What are you?

EAST.
Hexabutyldistannoxane, commonly known as tributyltin oxide or TBTO; one of a large number of organotin compounds, which are substances that contain at least one tin-carbon bond. (He places this transparency ...)

BROWN.
Where do you live? ...

EAST.
I'm a synthetic chemical, with three main uses: firstly, as a marine pesticide in antifouling products; secondly, as a biocidal preservative for wood, textiles, paper, paints, and stains; and thirdly, as a mediator of a variety of synthetic transformations in laboratories. ...

UNMAN.
Excuse me, Jock, but what is "antifouling" — or fouling, for that matter? ...

BROWN.
Well, fouling is the accumulation on the hull of a ship of marine organisms like algae and molluscs; this build-up leads to increased drag on the ship — and so loss of speed. And, er, ... an antifouling product is a chemical substance that inhibits their attachment and growth. ...

UNMAN.
I see; yes. (He smiles; then B. addresses E. again.)

BROWN.
What is your most marked characteristic? ...

EAST.
Acting as a fairly selective catalyst or reagent in certain synthetic transformations — these might be attributable to my combination of being a weak Lewis acid with a demanding steric presence. (He shows a molecular model of TBTO to the class; then hands same to Flora.) ...

BROWN.
What is your principal defect? ...

EAST.
Either my relative long half-life in seawater or my tendency to persist in sediments; both of these properties directly promote bioaccumulation and, subsequently, biomagnification as my concentration increases up the trophic levels. ...

BROWN.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? ...

EAST.
To be replaced by environmentally-friendly antifoulants. ...

BROWN.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? ...

EAST.
Being responsible for causing undesirable effects in those organisms other than those responsible for fouling — such as fish and marine mammals. ...

BROWN.
What quality do you most admire in something? ...

EAST.
A substrate's ability to change the coordination number of my tin atom from four to five or six. ...

BROWN.
What is it you most dislike? ...

EAST.
The practice of illegally discharging heavy-metal industrial waste into the environment! ...

BROWN.
To what fault do you feel most indulgent? ...

EAST.
A substrate's ability to change the oxidation state of my tin atom from Sn(IV) to Sn(II). ...

BROWN.
Who is your favourite composer? ...

EAST.
Scott Joplin, America's foremost composer of «Ragtime» music — such as the Maple Leaf Rag and the opera Treemonisha; in the early part of the 20th century, the rhythmic vitality of ragtime was incorporated into the «Tin Pan Alley» popular song idiom, centred on New York. ...

BROWN.
Who is your favourite artist? ...

EAST.
Günter Grass, the German winner of the 1999 Nobel Prize for Literature. Although most famous for his disturbing and evocative novels — such as The Tin Drum, published in 1959 — he has produced a number of quite stunning drawings, watercolours, lithographs, and etchings. ...

BROWN.
Who is your favourite author? ...

EAST.
Patrick O'Brian, the Irish biographer and translator, who wrote a series of sea-faring novels set in the Napoleonic era — the so-called Aubrey-Maturin novels. ...

BROWN.
Who is your favourite character in fiction? ...

EAST.
Dr. Stephen Maturin, who is a ship's surgeon, naturalist, and intelligence agent in this maritime series. ...

BROWN.
Who is your favourite character in history or real life? ...

EAST.
Jeremy Rifkin, the American economist, who, for more than twenty years, has attempted to raise public consciousness about the impact of technological changes on the economy, the environment, and society in general. ...

BROWN.
What is your favourite living organism? ...

EAST.
Any bacterial species which has evolved resistance towards me — such as Alteromonas sp. or Ralstonia eutrophus. ...

MUMFORD.
Scud, why might that be good? ...

EAST.
Well, Mumsy, such species might be useful in the development of tin bioremediation. ...

PATTULLO.
Er, ... Scud, and what is "bioremediation", please? ...

EAST.
Ah! That, Spats, is the use of microorganisms to reduce the effects of pollutants. (Pattullo nods in understanding; then E. nods to B.) ...

BROWN.
What living organism do you most despise? ...

EAST.
Either the acorn barnacle, Balanus glandula, or the giant acorn barnacle, Balanus nubilus; both of these species of crustaceans have an exceptional ability to fasten themselves to the hulls of boats. ...

BROWN.
What natural gift would you most like to possess? ...

EAST.
To have a much shorter half-life; that's to say, a faster biodegradation. ...

BROWN.
What is your greatest fear? ...

EAST.
That, in humans, my accidental absorption or ingestion might result in adverse health problems involving the immune and reproductive systems. ...

BROWN.
What would you have liked to be? ...

EAST.
4,5-Dichloro-2-n-octyl-4-isothiazolin-3-one; this compound is an effective marine pesticide, but has a relatively short half-life. (He places this transparency ...)

BROWN.
What is your present state of mind? ...

EAST.
Pessimistic, because I suspect that the days that remain for my remaining environmentally-friendly use — as mediator of synthetic transformations — are well and truly numbered as a result of advances in biotechnology. ...

BROWN.
Would you be capable of killing? ...

EAST.
Yes; my acute toxicity to rats is described as moderate. ...

BROWN.
What is your motto? ...

EAST.
«The meeting of tributyltin oxide and a barnacle results in a murder most foul.» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Hamish and Scudamore. (She gives each a smile of appreciation.) ...


7.15 p.m. One evening during the 4th week of term. The Headmaster is walking briskly around the grounds (a now twice-daily routine); near the dilapidated and disused arboretum, he comes across Sig. Sal. dallying to no apparent purpose ...

Mr. POND.
Good evening, Arsenio.

Sig. SALIERI.
Good evening, Headmaster. (His tone is slightly uneasy.)

Mr. POND.
I'm most surprised to find you idling your time away! (He smiles; Sig. Sal. looks disconcerted.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Er, ... I'm sorry, Headmaster?

Mr. POND.
Well, it being the season for your lady wife's honey-making, I'd have thought that it would be a case of all hands to the pumps? (His tone is slightly teasing.)

Sig. SALIERI.
Oh! I see. ... No; Vespina rightly considers me to be more a hindrance than a help in the kitchen.

Mr. POND.
Mmm. ... Yes; Éuphemie holds a similar view. (He smiles.) Good night!

Sig. SALIERI.
Good night, Headmaster. (They part.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 5th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs.

CLASS.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle...

Mlle BACKSON.
Lolli et Shand : vous êtes prêtes ?

LOLLI.
Oui, Mademoiselle. (She and Shandy [ibid] ...) Notre drame est nommé Poupées de cire... Et notre questionnaire anthropomorphique de Proust est comme suit... Qu'est-ce que vous êtes ?

SHANDY.
La 5,7-dihydroxyflavanone, couramment désignée sous le nom de pinocembrine ; l'un des centaines de flavonoïdes présent chez les organismes vivants — deux autres sont la chrysine et la galagine. (She places this transparency ...)

FLASHMAN.
Shandy, qu'est-ce que la signification du astérique ?...

SHANDY.
Celui-ci indique un carbone asymétrique...

FLASHMAN.
Peut-être bien, Shandy. Mais, désolé, je ne suis pas plus avancé...

SHANDY.
J'y penserai... ... Ah ! Pas de problème, Flashy, accorde-moi une minute, s'il te plaît. (She quickly sketches these figures on the blackboard ...)

SHANDY.
D'abord, un carbone asymétrique compte quatre substituants différents: a, b, c et d. (She points to the upper figure with the asterisked carbon.) Or, la présence d'un carbone asymétrique implique l'existence de deux isomères nommés énantiomères ; et de telles molécules, comme vos deux mains, ne sont pas superposables — mais sont images l'une de l'autre dans un miroir. (She points to the lower figures with the mirror.) Tu compris, Flashy ?...

FLASHMAN.
Je pense que oui. (He looks alternately at the figures and his hands; then glances at his shoes.) Ah ! Oui !... Merci beaucoup, Shandy ; ton aide m'a été très utile. (He smiles appreciatively; then S. nods to L.) ...

LOLLI.
Où est-ce que vous habitez? ...

SHANDY.
Je me trouve chez certaines végétaux, y compris plusieurs espèces de peupliers, le pin sylvestre, Pinus sylvestris, et le gingembre chinois, Boesenbergia pandurata...

LOLLI.
Quel est le principal trait de votre caractère ?...

SHANDY.
Ce me serait difficile de dire parce qu'à présent je suis facilement disponible seulement en quantités traces dans la propolis...

FLORA.
Shandy, quelle est la propolis, s'il te plaît ?...

SHANDY.
Celle-ci désigne toute une série de substances résineuses collectés par les abeilles ; heu,... ceux-ci les rapportent à la ruche, et là, ils les modifient par l'apport de leurs propres sécrétions...

FLORA.
En plus du miel et de la cire, je présume ?

SHANDY.
Oui, Flo. (Then she nods to L.) ...

LOLLI.
Quel est votre principal défaut ?...

SHANDY.
Je ne suis pas sûr exactement ; une sensibilité à la lumière ou à la chaleur, peut-être...

LOLLI.
Quel est votre idéal de bonheur parfait ?...

SHANDY.
Au point de vue thérapeutique chez l'Homme, pour savoir ce qui est la valeur vraie de mes propriétés qui ont été observées in vitro ; celles-ci comprennent antimicrobienne, anti-inflammatoire et antioxydante...

CONSTANCE.
Heu,... Lolli, quelle est la fonction de cette pinocembrine chez les végétaux, s'il te plaît ?...

LOLLI.
Nous n'avons pas fait une étude exhaustive. Cependant, chez le pin sylvestre, celle-ci inhibe la croissance du fongus Tomicus piniperda à la suite d'une attaque contre l'écorce de cet arbre par les coléoptères d'écorce nommés — crois-le ou non — Leptographium wingfieldii...

CONSTANCE.
Ça, c'est un nom à coucher dehors ! (Everyone smiles.)

LOLLI.
C'est bien cela ! (Then she addresses S. again.) ...

LOLLI.
Quel est pour vous le comble de la misère ?...

SHANDY.
Pour découvrir que mon potentiel thérapeutique ne peut pas être réalisé pour une raison ou l'autre...

LOLLI.
Quelle est votre qualité préférée chez quelque chose ?...

SHANDY.
La zèle des abeilles !...

LOLLI.
Que détestez-vous par dessus tout ?...

SHANDY.
Les radicaux libres, sans doute !...

WITTERING.
Et, Shandy, quel est un radical libre, s'il te plaît ?...

SHANDY.
Ah ! Un radical libre est une espèce chimique contenant un électron célibataire. Une minute, Witters. (She quickly writes these equations on the blackboard ...)

SHANDY.
Celui-ci est hautement réactif car il a tendance à arracher des atomes aux molécules pour reconstituer une paire d'électrons assurant une liaison stable...

WITTERING.
J'y suis. Merci, Shandy. (Then S. nods to L.) ...

LOLLI.
Qui est votre compositeur favori ?...

SHANDY.
Le Russe Nikolaï Rimsky-Korsakov, pour pas d'autre raison que il a composé Le vol du bourdon...

LOLLI.
Qui est votre artiste favori ?...

SHANDY.
La Canadienne Heather Hill, qui utilise la technique de la peinture à l'encaustique et à la cire...

LOLLI.
Qui est votre auteur favori ?...

SHANDY.
L'Écossais A. A. Milne, créateur de Winnie the Pooh...

LOLLI.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans la fiction ?...

SHANDY.
Winnie l'Ourson, nommé Chevalier Pooh de Bear par son copain Christopher Robin. C'est un ours pas très intelligent, mais sa nourriture favorite est du miel, du miel et encore du miel !...

LOLLI.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans l'histoire ou dans la vie réelle ?...

SHANDY.
L'un de deux biologistes : soit l'Allemand Ernst Stahl, l'un des pionniers de la recherche sur des composés secondaires en plantes, soit l'Autrichien Karl von Frisch, lauréat du prix Nobel en 1973, à cause de ses travaux sur les modes de communication des abeilles...

MALICE.
Heu,... Lolli, quel est le sens de l'expression "composés secondaires", s'il te plaît ?...

LOLLI.
Un moment. (She looks through her notes ...) Ah ! Lorsqu'une plante est stressée par un élément de son environnement, celle-ci se met à produire les substances chimiques qu'on appelle «composés secondaires», car ils n'interviennent pas dans les mécanismes primaires tels que la photosynthèse ou la respiration...

MALICE.
Je vois. Merci. (Then L. addresses S. again.) ...

LOLLI.
Quel est votre organisme vivant favori ?...

SHANDY.
Le pin sylvestre, parce qu'il paraîtrait être idéal pour examiner en détail les voies biosynthétiques qui aboutissent à ma formation...

LOLLI.
Quel organisme vivant méprisez-vous le plus ?...

SHANDY.
L'acarien Varroa jacobsoni ; c'est un parasite nocif qui s'installe chez l'abeille domestique, Apis mellifera...

LOLLI.
Quel est le don de la nature que vous aimeriez avoir ?...

SHANDY.
Hélas, en raison de l'absence de données pertinentes, il n'est pas possible de répondre à cette question...

LOLLI.
Quelle est votre plus grande peur ?...

SHANDY.
Comme j'ai laissé entendre auparavant, la non-réalisation de mon potentiel thérapeutique...

LOLLI.
Qu'auriez-vous aimé être ?...

SHANDY.
La chrysine, parce qu'elle possède une jolie couleur jaune ; en effet, ce composé-ci est à l'origine de la couleur jaune de la propolis et de la cire...

MERRIDEW.
Pourquoi la chrysine est jaune, mais pas la pinocembrine ?

SHANDY.
Son système conjugué — c'est-à-dire l'alternance nominale des simples et doubles liaisons — est plus étendu que celui présent dans la pinocembrine. (On the above diagram, she finger traces their conjugated systems — emphasizing the additional double bond of chrysine's middle ring.) ...

MERRIDEW.
Heu,... Shandy, je présume donc que la galagine est jaune aussi ?...

SHANDY.
Oui, Jack ; tu as presque certainement raison. (She smiles; then nods to L.) ...

LOLLI.
Quel est l'état présent de votre esprit ?...

SHANDY.
Je suis raisonnablement optimiste, parce que les démarches en matière de flavonoïde se developpent bon train...

LOLLI.
Est-ce que vous capable de tuer ?...

SHANDY.
J'en doute chez l'Homme, étant donné que ma toxicité aiguë est faible chez les souris...

LOLLI.
Quelle est votre devise ?...

SHANDY.
«Quelle séréndipité : il y a du miel pour le thé!» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Merci, Lolli et Shandy. (She gives each girl a smile of appreciation.) ...


5.15 p.m. One afternoon during the 5th week of term. In the grounds, spread out on a traveling rug, Chalice and Pattullo have reached a natural pause in editing their Proust questionnaire ...

CHALICE.
Spats, I've come to the conclusion that you're a butterfly, in spirit. (Her tone is noticeably teasing.)

PATTULLO.
I'm tempted to say that's better than being in «formalin»: but do go on, please. (He looks quizzically at her.)

CHALICE.
Well, each term you appear to alight on a different one of us girls: then flutter away. And, from observing your deep conversations with Trudi recently, I can see that she is your chosen flower this term. (She smiles mischievously.)

PATTULLO.
Hmph! (He adopts a mock wounded expression, stands up, then bends down on one knee and gently takes her left hand with his right.) My dear lady, thou should know that this humble swain hath sworn his allegiance to thee, and thee alone; he hath forsaken all others. But he doth ask, nay beseech thee to forgive him any unintended slight.

CHALICE.
Ssh, Spats! (Looking a mite embarrassed, she casts her eyes about her surroundings.) People will gossip.

PATTULLO.
Fi! ... I care not for the idle tongues of the common herd; they know not what doth cause my fevered brow.

CHALICE.
A touch of the sun, I suspect. Now, behave yourself! (He adopts his original position.) ...

PATTULLO.
I presume you are curious to know what Trudi and I have been finding so much to talk about?

CHALICE.
Me? No; not me. (She shrugs; then adopts an expression of assumed indifference.)

PATTULLO.
Mmm!? ... Anyway, for what it's worth, Trudi and I have been exploring the parallels between the priests of La Rochelle, in 1794, with the Union prisoners at Andersonville, in 1864; the staggeringly inhumane conditions of their captivities, and so forth. ... She is remarkably well informed about the American Civil War, you should know. (His tone is one of approval and respect.) ...

CHALICE.
With a view to writing another play, I suppose?

PATTULLO.
Oh dear! Am I that transparent? (He looks introspective.) Mmm. In truth, I was: but that possibility appears remote. (His tone is one of regret.) ...

CHALICE.
Why so?

PATTULLO.
Well, there is little or no scope for female characters: and I've no intention of going down that route again. ...

CHALICE.
You've lost me. (She looks puzzled.) Again?

PATTULLO.
Yes; Joseph's and my play about Britain's illegal occupation of Drummond Island?

CHALICE.
Ah! That one. ... So you never managed to introduce any?

PATTULLO.
No; apart from a little local colour, so to speak. Which is a real shame, since Shandy and her merry band have beavered away quite splendidly making the costumes. (He sighs.) ...

CHALICE.
So, in a way, I suppose you're glad that we're not going to Drummond this year? ...

PATTULLO.
Er, ... Yes and no. Joseph will trial a performance there; and then we should be able to judge better what to do next — a massive re-write, I suspect. (He shrugs.) Anyway, ... back to the questionnaire?

CHALICE.
Mmm. (Her tone is one of slight reluctance.)

PATTULLO.
Oh! I'm sorry; we can give it a miss if you're not feeling too well? (His tone is solicitous.)

CHALICE.
No. No; I'm fine. Thanks for the offer, though. No, it's these questionnaires; there's something not ... not quite right about them. Wouldn't you agree?

PATTULLO.
To be honest, I haven't given them a moment's thought. I've been too busy gadding about! (He gives her a wry smile.)

CHALICE.
Hmph! I simply can't put my finger on it; a lack of «flow», perhaps? ...

PATTULLO.
Ah! ... You mean, they haven't taken «wing». (His tone and expression are dead-pan.)

CHALICE.
Yes; that may be... (She does a double-take.) Very droll, Spats. (She gives him a wry smile.) There's no point in me talking seriously; none at all! (She smiles.) Are you sure you took your insulin this morning, since you're positively light-headed this afternoon! (They share laughter.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 6th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Miss. ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Malice, are you and James ready?

MALICE.
Yes, Miss. (She and Unman [ibid] ...) Our play is called Tar and Feathers. ... And this is our anthropomorphic Proust questionnaire. ... What are you?

UNMAN.
Naphthalene; an aromatic hydrocarbon, whose structure may be correctly represented as: (He places this transparency ...)

MALICE.
Where do you live? ...

UNMAN.
Being a component of crude oil and the most abundant single constituent of coal tar, I'm produced from both petroleum refining and coal tar distillation — for use as a versatile synthetic intermediate; in addition, I'm emitted via various manufacturing and uncontrolled combustion processes. ...

MALICE.
What is your most marked characteristic? ...

UNMAN.
My 10 p-electrons delocalized in a planar, cyclic structure; that is, 4n + 2 p-electrons, where n = 2. ...

MALICE.
What is your principal defect? ...

UNMAN.
Compared to compounds with localized carbon-carbon double bonds, a greater tendency to react by substitution rather than by addition — as typified by bromination: (He places this transparency ...)

MALICE.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? ...

UNMAN.
To be used only as a synthetic intermediate; whilst this use inevitably depletes the reserves of non-renewable fossil fuels, it is preferable to combustion — since the resulting carbon dioxide contributes to the greenhouse effect. ...

MALICE.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? ...

UNMAN.
Being repeatedly misrepresented in textbooks — along with my congeners anthracene and naphthacene, amongst others — as follows: (He places this transparency ...)

McKECHNIE.
Er, ... Hombré, do I take it that these representations are incorrect because ... er, what, ... the 10, 14, and 18? ... p-electrons are delocalized over all the carbons atoms — rather than the implied localizations to each ring? ...

UNMAN.
Yes, Duncan; at least in part. And this being so, we are excellent examples of the «Cane toad syndrome»! ...

FLASHMAN.
Hombré, that rings a bell — faintly, at least. Barbydol ... I mean, Dr. Stuart ... muttered something about cane toads — what, about two years ago? ...

UNMAN.
It's probably the same thing, Flashy — although we got our stuff from Dr. Brummel. ... Anyway, as far we can work out, a fairly reasonable definition of the «Cane toad syndrome» is: ... The unthinking reproduction of a well-meaning but ill-considered piece of polite fiction, the effects of which are damaging. ...

FLASHMAN.
Mmm, ... I can see that: but where does the cane toad come in? (U. nods to M., who glances at her notes.) ...

MALICE.
Well, Flashy, the cane toad, Bufo marinus, was introduced to Queensland in 1935 as a well-meaning method of biologically controlling two beetle pests of sugar cane. However, their introduction was ill-considered, because the selectivity or otherwise of the predator-prey relationships had not been established previously, and very damaging, because they have proven to be decidedly non-selective in their nutritional requirements — which has allowed them to reproduce, and spread to other states in Australia, almost ad libitum. ...

FLASHMAN.
Mmm? ... I'll need time to think that point through: but thanks anyway, Mally. (Then M. nods to U.) ...

MALICE.
What quality do you most admire in something? ...

UNMAN.
An electron-deficiency, as found in so-called electrophiles, since such «electron-loving» reagents have a marked tendency to interact with my delocalized p-electrons. ...

MALICE.
What is it you most dislike? ...

UNMAN.
An electron-richness, as found in so-called nucleophiles, since such «nucleus-loving» reagents have a noted reluctance to interact with my delocalized p-electrons. ...

MALICE.
To what fault do you feel most indulgent? ...

UNMAN.
A reagent whose behaviour depends on the chosen reaction conditions — as typified by sulfonation. (He points to same on the diagram.) ...

MALICE.
Who is your favourite composer? ...

UNMAN.
Francesco Bonporti, a minor cleric at Trent Cathedral, who — in sharp contrast to almost every other Baroque composer — published his compositions in sets of ten, rather than the more usual sets of six or twelve. Incidentally, the slow movement of his violin concerto Op.11 no.5, written in 1715, has a fair claim to be regarded as one of the most beautiful and inspired passages of music ever written. ...

EAST.
Mmm!? ... That's as maybe, Hombré: but for the life of me, I can't see the connection to naphthalene. ...

UNMAN.
Well, Scud, naphthalene has ten carbon atoms. (He looks not a little shamefaced.) ...

EAST.
Ah! Somewhat thin, then? (He smiles.) ...

UNMAN.
As the proverbial wafer! (Everyone laughs gently; then U. nods to M.) ...

MALICE.
Who is your favourite artist? ...

UNMAN.
The polymath Charles Willson Peale, who was the foremost oil painter in colonial America and the early republic. ...

MALICE.
Who is your favourite author? ...

UNMAN.
Norman Corwin, for no other reason than he introduced the «immortal» line "Oh, Claudius. Oh, Cassius. Oh, Naphthalene. What a fool I've been. What a fool I've been!" in his CBS radio play The Plot to Overthrow Christmas — first broadcast on Christmas Day, 1938. ...

MALICE.
Who is your favourite character in fiction? ...

UNMAN.
Tar Baby; the central figure in a series of folktales that were popularized in the late 19th century by the writings of Joel Chandler Harris through his character Uncle Remus. ...

MALICE.
Who is your favourite character in history or real life? ...

UNMAN.
David T. Gibson, the British-born professor of microbiology and biocatalysis, because of his pioneering studies on both the fundamental mechanisms and the potential applications of the bacterial degradation of aromatic hydrocarbons. ...

MALICE.
What is your favourite living organism? ...

UNMAN.
The bacterium Pseudomonas putida, in part because it allowed the isolation and characterization of the first enzyme to be proven to initiate the catabolism of aromatic hydrocarbons, namely naphthalene 1,2-dioxygenase : (He places this transparency ...)

SALICE.
Mally, er, ... I presume this is an example of addition? ...

MALICE.
Indeed so! (She smiles; then addresses U. again.) ...

MALICE.
What living organism do you most despise? ...

UNMAN.
The webbing (or common) clothes moth, Tineola bisselliella: hence my use in mothballs. ...

MALICE.
What natural gift would you most like to possess? ...

UNMAN.
A much lower volatility at ambient temperatures, because the inhalation of my vapour can lead to diverse health problems, ranging from nausea to liver and kidney damage. ...

MALICE.
What is your greatest fear? ...

UNMAN.
That infants may develop haemolytic anaemia as a result of my accidental ingestion or inhalation. ...

TRUDI.
Hombré, what is hemolytic anemia, please? ...

UNMAN.
Ah! ... That, Trudi, is a disorder in which the red blood cells are destroyed faster than the bone marrow can produce them — as a result of an inherited or an acquired condition. (T. nods in understanding; then U. nods to M.) ...

MALICE.
What would you have liked to be? ...

UNMAN.
Benzene, the parent member of the aromatic hydrocarbons; my status is akin to that of a vice president or deputy prime minister. ...

MALICE.
What is your present state of mind? ...

UNMAN.
Very optimistic, because several bacterial species have now been determined to have naphthalene as one of their sources of nutritional carbon; these include Bacillus naphthovorans and Cycloclasticus pugetii. ...

LOLLI.
And, ... Mally, why is that good, useful, or whatever? ...

MALICE.
Well, the manipulation of their naphthalene-catabolic genes should facilitate various biosynthetic and bioremediation applications. (Lolli smiles and nods in understanding; then M. addresses U. again.) ...

MALICE.
Would you be capable of killing? ...

UNMAN.
Yes; I have been shown to be toxic to a number of mammalian species — including Man — when administered by ingestive and intravenous routes. ...

MALICE.
What is your motto? ...

UNMAN.
«4n + 2 p-electrons rule, OK!» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Malice and James. (She gives each a smile of appreciation; then addresses the class.) I look forward to the remaining presentations after half-term! (She smiles; then waves a hand in the direction of the door.) ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

1. During the course of an introduction to any given topic or subject, most — and perhaps all — students make several reasonable assumptions. One of these latter could be summarized thus: «While the introduction may include both simplifications and incomplete explanations, due to the inherent difficulties of the topic or subject, the subject material will include neither oversimplifications nor falsehoods — particularly if such material is underscored by text-books, syllabuses, and public examinations». However, a caveat to this particular assumption has been recognized by the distinguished scientist J. Huheey, as evinced by this sentence in his Inorganic Chemistry, Harper Row, New York, 1983): "... One of the challenges of teaching (or text writing) is the problem of presenting material (especially to a person new to the subject) in a nondistracting way without oversimplifying (or even falsifying) the material for the sake of 'helping' the student. ..."

A bird's-eye-view of possible implications of the above caveat could be obtained by the careful consideration of any one of several exemplars, but that chosen here concerns the topic of ionic bonding — not least because of the central importance of bonding to an understanding of the biological and physical sciences.

For decades, the following statement — or minor variants thereof — has been commonly included in texts introducing ionic bonding: «Electrons are transferred from one atom to another so that the atoms achieve a stable octet in their outermost shells». This statement — hereafter referred to as «the statement» — will often be accompanied by a limited number of exemplars which appear to provide compelling evidence for its truthfulness (such as the ionic compounds NaF, NaCl, MgCl₂, Na₂O, MgO, and Al₂O₃, amongst others), but will rarely be accompanied by anomalies (such as the covalent compound Al₂Cl₆ and the ionic compounds FeCl₂ and CuCl₂, amongst others).

To be able to judge the truthfulness of «the statement», one needs to examine the «mechanism» of ionic bonding; and this is facilitated by either an awareness or an acceptance of the following three precepts.

1. Bonding between atoms, which occurs because the resulting substance has a lower energy than its constituent atoms, is achieved by redistributing the valence electrons. Whereas in covalent bonding this redistribution occurs by the atoms sharing two or more electrons, in ionic bonding this redistribution occurs by the atoms transferring one or more electrons.

2. The symbol S, which means «the sum of», and the symbol DH, which means «the change (D) in enthalpy (H)» for a defined ergonic process.

3. The rule underlying the addition of «directed numbers»; exemplified by S(+10 + +8) = +18, S(-10 + +8) = -2, and S(-10 + -8) = -18.

The mechanism of ionic bonding may be readily understood by considering the formation of solid sodium chloride, NaCl(s), from solid sodium and gaseous dichlorine — which can be divided into five ergonic processes:

Na(s) —————————————————————® Na(g)   DH1 Na(g) —————————————————————® Na1+(g) + 1e-   DH2 Cl2(g) —————————————————————® 2Cl(g)   DH3 Cl(g) + 1e- ——————————————————® Cl1-(g)   DH4 Na1+(g) + Cl1-(g) ———————————————® Na1+(s)Cl1-(s)   DHL

Experiments have shown that the formation of these sodium and chloride gaseous ions is endothermic; i.e., the value of DH₁ + DH₂ + DH₃ + DH₄, or SDH_I, is positive (and, thus, unfavorable). By contrast, formation of the solid from these gaseous ions is exothermic; i.e., the value of DH_L, known as the lattice energy, is negative (and, thus, favorable). And NaCl(s) forms — from solid sodium and gaseous dichlorine — because the overall value for its formation, referred to as DH_F, and calculated from DH_L + SDH_I, is negative; in this connection, it is perhaps worth recalling that S(-10 + +8) = -2.

Now, experiments have shown that, for every combination of metallic and non-metallic element, the formation of the ions is endothermic (i.e., a positive value of SDH_I). Therefore, the formation of any solid ionic compound, on the one hand, can never be attributed to atoms achieving octets in their outermost shells, and on the other, must be attributed to an overwhelming exothermicity of the attractions of the oppositely charged ions for each other (i.e., DH_L + SDH_I = < 0).

From the above presentation, the reader should readily appreciate that «the statement» cannot be described as either knowledge or information: therefore, it should never command a place in text-books, syllabuses or examinations. However, whilst it is iniquitous from this perspective alone, at least three others may be equally disturbing.

Firstly, «the statement» is philistine because it actively prevents the student from understanding both the fundamentals of ionic bonding and its self-consistency; for example, the ionic compounds NaF, NaCl, MgCl₂, Na₂O, MgO, Al₂O₃, FeCl₂, and CuCl₂ all form because DH_L + SDH_I = < 0: whereas the hypothetical ionic compound Al³⁺(s)3Cl^1-(s) does not form because DH_L + SDH_I = > 0.

Secondly, «the statement» — which would not be given house room in any self-respecting advanced text or course — is patronizing partly because it implies that the student being introduced to the topic is incapable of understanding its precepts and principles, and partly because it implies that the student can be fobbed off with an oversimplification or a falsehood if he or she is not continuing to study the topic to a more advanced level (an educational parallel to «one law for the rich and another for the poor»).

And thirdly, «the statement» inevitably raises questions about morality and responsibility.

________________________________________________________________________________________

10.00 a.m. Third day of half-term. In his study, with Buxtehude's La Capricciosa harpsichord variations issuing forth from the loudspeakers, Dr. S. — dressed in a white shirt, dark-blue silk pyjama bottoms with a Velcro fly, matching socks, and moccasins — is seated as his desk ...

Dr. STUART.
Mmm, ... (In a rather desultory manner, he starts to read quietly, but out loud, some notes; these appear to have been written over a period of several weeks — and are reproduced here verbatim, save the page divisions.)

Ideas for a Play Bacon ... N. A. / Bensalem ... Shake-speare Eco ... Name of Rose Swift ... G.'s Travels Miller ... Crucible ab Bacon Received wisdom propagated/peddled is that the Shakespeare canon was written by W.S. despite absence of, inter alia: facts about his education; any remotely reasonably explanation of how he had access to obscure source material; autograph examples of even the smallest fragments of any play. 'Support' for his authorship and propagation of same rests on the appearance of the few quarto texts published in his lifetime, of the commendatory poems and prefaces from 1590-1640, and of the First Folio published in 1623 (several years after his death), interwoven with both sophism and the disingenuous use of supposition to obscure or explain (ostensibly) these absences. Foregoing is independent of any claims on Bacon's behalf: therefore ® play could focus on the motivation(s) behind the propagators/peddlers without reference to same. ... Dramatic structure? Reconstructed and apocryphal trial (i.e., suit against Condell and Hemmings — editors of FF) in: 1623 or 1624, with disgraced and increasingly frail FB as prosecutor; or after 1626, with 'ghost' of FB as same. Reconstructed and apocryphal? meetings between FB and WS (or copyists and/or intermedaries) at Twickenham and ?: Advantages??? Modern day trial: 'Stratfordians' accused of wilfully suppressing philistinism re. examination of authorship of canon and, therefore, ??? ab Eco Continue literary conceit of 'recovered manuscript': except infer Eco omitted/unaware of 'appendix'. ... Aged Adso at Melk meets new novice — both vaguely aware/recognize vague physical similarities. During interview, A. — but not N. — realizes N. is grandson of girl he made love to in kitchen at monastery in Nov. (3rd Day; After Compline); i.e., girl not 'lost'. Act 1: Interview used to provide 'flashbacks' to girl's escape, struggle to raise N.'s father ... Act 2: Post interview — Adso's struggle of conscience (i.e., should he reveal his identity?) in parallel with N.'s growing awareness/discovery of evidence (parody of Brother William?) leading to 'like grandfather like son' repeat with a peasant girl (presented as: a comic interlude?; or act of irrational revenge?; or ...?) Act 3: ???! ab Swift G.'s Tr. hostility towards scientific projects — Invert satire of Gr. Acad. of Lagado? — "I visited many other apartments, but shall not trouble the reader with all the curiosities I observed, being studious of brevity." « '..., being hostile º ?ignorant? — Scientia non habet inimicum nisi ignorantem — º philistine?' "After salutation, observing me to look earnestly upon a frame, which took up the greatest part of the length and breadth of the room." Frame = Literary engine: but characters are pseudo-Arabic. Conceit? (s) L.G. misunderstands/mistranscribes characters — genuine Arabic? ... Chinese? ... And/or other frames in Academy — not observed by / deliberately hidden from LG? Chinese? ... Chinese!! almost¬ Printing, silk, fireworks etc.: then nothing invented disseminated! for nearly MM. Suppression of knowledge?¬ E.g., clocks — power of Emperors from centre? One theme of Eco's N.R. Lemuel economical with truth in eponymous Travels — misbegotten ½ sea-chest of paraphernalia serendipitously complements L.G.'s ¯ account of his visit to Gr. Acad. cf. inner sanctum ab Swift Chinese. — ³ MM — Knowledge? — Written word (Confucius: "Pale ink is stronger than the most retentive mind"). º Cultural evolution » genetic. ... Darwin / Mendel / Watson & Crick ® Genetic code Chinese — Genetic code. — Most Dangerous Man in the World — 1968?, re. agricultural enzyme. — Suppressed from ca. 1700? — If frames in Gr. Acad. = «RNA code engine» ab Lagado. And/or Lit. engine is a 'mutation engine' ... Randomness implies no? vague? incorrect? understanding of Laws of Hereditary or Natural Selection or both? ab Swift Mutation engine — Mutate? — What? How? — sunlight, moonbeams!! Rice: realistic but dull ... unless a thriller? Lilliput & Brob.: growth hormones — thyroid! 'Bonsai / Great Sherman rice.' Struggle between L. & B.? Land of Houyhnhnms: horses Laputa — flying island: donkeys (sterility — rejects from H.?; i.e., Yahoos); bats (night vision); pigs (insulin — sequence known) ® Flying Pigs!! Pigs — Périgord truffles — pheromones? — Laputa — 'Trufflenes'; check with Bob and/or Charlotte about structure re. a lead compound for 'Trufflenes'. Dramatic structure?? ab Miller Comparison of the Crucible's printed text with that heard by a audience establishes that it is a tacit drama. Therefore: neither the interpolated textual characterizations nor the imposed McCarthy metaphor would be accessible by original theatre audiences; and only accessible by subsequent ones either through prior readings of the text or by consultations of secondary sources. Miller has wilfully allowed these sleights of hand to foster, both by default and by his own commentaries. ... ¬ Latter includes "... what I was doing was writing a fictional story about an important theme." What theme? Witchcraft? Mass hysteria? Revenge? Integrity? Destructive influence of lies ... (Would be ironical in view of historical liberties)? McCarthyism? ...? Miller's liberality with the true events and persons of Salem go well beyond 'artistic licence'; justified or otherwise? Crucible appears to be within the filmic tradition of Hollywood — i.e., creating an Anglo-Saxon American mythology as distinct from a Native American one — with portrayals of westerns. But 'true' significance of events in Salem is that, nascently, they reveal the fundamental change in colonial American society from a communal to a capitalist one. So ® ... perhaps new play should introduce, on the one hand, how literary falsehoods can be propagated as truths, and on the other, the notion that outside the well documented pivotal events in history, there are certain sets of events which 'crystallize' the future attitudes of a given society. ... Dramatic structure? Present: list of historical inaccuracies (problem — tedious and undramatic non-dramatic for audience — unless a narrated commentary in a complete performance: but then problems of copyright); summary of the changes in New England society(ies) through the C17, the peculiar legal position of New England from 1685, and the peculiar geographical and economic relationship of Salem town and Salem village through the C17 (problem — equally tedious?, although could be presented by comparing the differing fortunes of Putnams and Porters through the eyes of latter's important ally Joseph Putnam: therefore ® an extended prologue?); a plausible list of possible scientific explanations for initial behaviour (problem — difficulty in presenting same as anything other than informed speculation or untestable hypotheses). General problem — parochial nature of any play that limits focus on Salem/Miller: therefore ® broader canvas? ab Miller Title? ... The Death of an Idea ... Birth and Premature Death of an Idea ... Premature Birth and ? of an Idea ... Suffocation? ... Propagation Dramatic structure ... Trial; Judge(s); Jury/Juries; Class Action Law Suit [Judges — Number? Type (Federal/District/Law Lords ; Students) ... Jury — Number? Type (As above? Judges and Students)] SJudge: ... Opening remarks? ... Baliff: The defendants, separately and collectively, are hereby charged: that they have wilfully misconstrued historical events, beyond the spirit of 'artistic license', so as to present various metaphors and truths to individuals who have no independent method of determining their validity or veracity; that, in contrast to the received wisdom, their works and analyses are philistine because, wilfully or otherwise, their purpose is to prevent the acquisition of knowledge by the maturing though still incompletely formed minds of students; and that their promulgation of partial truths or falsehoods thoroughly undermine any supposed 'higher purposes or benefits'. ... SJudge: Thank you, Sir. I would like to call on the Prosecution to make their opening statement. ... PCounsel: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, attempting to answer a question attributed to Benjamin Franklin, namely 'To what good does a new-born baby serve?', has provided countless people with light-hearted diversion. However, in this Court you will be attempting to answer — in essence — a considerably more important and serious question, namely, 'To what good do literary untruths or partial truths serve? ... ... Now, before I summarize the facts of this case, I would like to draw your attention to a possibly fruitful line of thought, via the a brief consideration of the play Othello in the Shakespeare canon. ... For decades, students have been informed — prior to either reading or seeing the play — that Othello, himself, is a 'tragic hero'. Nevertheless, the play's text provides no evidence to support this view. Thus: the tragedy is that of Desdemona, who is completely innocent; Othello performs no heroic deeds within the play; and Othello is revealed to have no admirable qualities whatsoever, firstly, by acting as the accuser, sole judge, jury, and executioner of the innocent Desdemona, and secondly, by committing suicide rather than addressing the betrayal of Iago. Indeed, Othello's character is so irredeemable that one should not be asking the ostensibly politically correct question 'Whether Othello should be played by a black actor?' but rather 'Did the authors of the original source material and this play choose a black character, because, perhaps, his behaviour would be 'acceptable' to, or would obscure potentially dangerous interpretations by, his contemporary audiences?', or ... etc. DCounsel: Objection My Lord / Your Honor ... (Nay, objections?) ab Swift Mary, Caroline (17), William (15), Lemuel Gulliver — December 1715. Emperor Kangxi — Qing Dynasty: 1662-1722 Prologue? William Gulliver amusing his children with stories of Grandpa Lemuel — perhaps doggerel? ® W. Gull.: There once was a piglet called Ruffles, whose master had a penchant for truffles. She sniffed the terrain, but snaffled in vain: which resulted in several (almighty?) kerfuffles. So when the master's wife brandished her carving knife, this sow said sow? was forced to flee for her life. She sailed the high seas, and did rout pirate bees: only to find some cocoa trees. Such a bitter finale is tinged with irony, as his partiality had been the chocolate not Périgord variety. Or Cousin Richard Sympson's children? Prologue? A middle-aged man [William Gulliver] — dressed in the fashion of a mid-18th century Parisian gentleman — is sitting at table in a garden talking to a shifty looking gentleman. Children — name's ? — return from visit to Grandma Mary ... Narrator: Dr. Lemuel Gulliver's son, William, was 15 years old when his father returned from his first,¬in December 1715. ...? travels Prologue? Narrator: Mycologists has been become somewhat excited by the presence of trufflenes in the fungus Tuber lagadosporum — which is closely related to the Périgord truffle (Tuber melanosporum) — and its apparent pheromonal effects on the domestic dancing pig (Sus scrofa saltatorius). Scientists will undoubtedly focus increasing attention on identifying and then studying the precise trufflene — referred to by L.G. — which prompts individuals of Sss to fly. ... Indeed, the topological similarities between trufflenes and [..?..] will almost certainly rekindle the dying embers of interest in many researchers, otherwise suffering from either déjà vu or ennui. ... Details of their biosyntheses are conspicuous by their absence: but there must be a reasonable expectation that at least four of the usual suspects — to wit, acetyl coenzyme A, ADP, ATP, and isoprene — will be omnipresent in the fungal biosynthetic pathways. Prologue? Curtain music [Greensleeves? Chinese folk-tune?] ® Curtain rises, to reveal an ostensibly medieval court complete with a minstrel plucking a lute and a (less than competent) juggler. Prince Fantoche? and Princess Ficelles? are enthroned; he has an expression of boredom; she is discussing nothing in particular with ?, the court mystic; and several courtiers are engaged in preening, masquerading as polite conversation. A brief trumpet flourish from an;¯immediately thereafter, an out-of-breath courier appears. ... Courier: Sire, ... My Lady, [He pauses for breath.] the pigs have ½ flown! [Back projection of plastic flying pigs en route ¯ to flying island of Laputa] off-stage herald ab Swift LG — long black coat, silver buckled shoes, walking cane — strolling around countryside of Lagado under a full moon; he espies an urchin leading a pig and holding a basket. ... L. Gull.: Boy! Boy!! Urchin: Sir? [Apprehensively.] L. Gull.: Surely it is late; well past the hour of bed!? Urchin: Late? Nay, Sir; I be just starting. L. Gull.: Ah! You must be taking the pig to market in some distant town? Urchin: To market? Nay, Sir; my masters would be thrashing me to within a inch of my life — and then some more besides. L. Gull.: Who, pray, would be your masters? Urchin: My masters? What a question, Sir; everyone be knowing that the Royal Academiciens be owning every dancing pig. L. Gull.: Good Lord! ... Pray, for what purpose do these gentlemen own such beasts? Urchin: Purpose? Everyone be knowing that a dancing pig be abling to find the Lagado truffles. L. Gull.: Ah! These must be tasty morsels for the tables of the people of quality? Urchin: Tasty? Saving your presence, Sir, but your ignorance be frightening me. ... These truffles — see, Sir, [He shows LG some fungi in his basket.] — be giving Trufflene. L. Gull.: And, pray, what is Trufflene? Urchin: Trufflene? I be not knowing, Sir; only those people who be abling to read those pictures be knowing. L. Gull.: Ah! Like the good lady Rosalind Franklin, I presume? Urchin: A woman!? [He sounds horrified.] Nay, Sir; James Watson, Count Mondego, himself, would not be permitting it. ab Swift Partly Bob's idea — blast the man!¬ Problem: Mumford et al. have used dice labelled A, C, G & T — as well as idea of stop codon — in their board-game based on G.'s Tr. No other similarities ¹ plagiarism — presumably? 6-sided box: spindles thro' 2 faces in abacus framework; U, C, A, & G (Chinese characters) on t'other 4 ® earlier «RNA nucleotide engine» ... Same principle for earlier «RNA code engine», 20 sides; and 'mutation engine'. No! 21 sides (20 A.A. + STOP!) ab Swift Sequel/Epilogue? Contend that Laputa Examine effects of introducing Sss into Laputa - Sss itself and its endoparasites — disruption of ecosystem? ...

Dr. STUART.
Hmph! Plague on the Lower 6th-Remove! ... Mmm? ... Yes! I wonder if Gustav is doing nothing in particular? (He dials the telephone.) ...

________________________________________________________________________________________

2. Broadly speaking, one's interpretation of any given text is largely dependent on three aspects. Firstly, the depth and breadth of one's acquired knowledge, information, misinformation, and disinformation. Secondly, how actively one reads; where purely passive reading is akin to listening «in one ear and out the other». And thirdly, one's method of dealing with an unfamiliar word, phrase, or concept.

In so far as that there is no evidence, one way or t'other, to support these assertions, the reader would be fully justified in giving vent to profound irritation. And yet, albeit clumsily, the paragraph above may serve as a reasonable introduction to a brief consideration of this: «In his "Easter Greeting" (1876), to be included in later editions of Through the Looking-Glass (first published in 1871), Lewis Carroll wrote: "MY DEAR CHILD, [...] And is this a strange letter to find in a book of nonsense?"».

Lewis Carroll's own assertion that said book is one of "nonsense" would appear not to allow any worthwhile discussion about the possibility of his having loftier educational purposes for its content. Nevertheless, the text, itself, provides evidence — albeit ambiguous — that Carroll may have entertained the notion of using at least parts of the book as an amusing vehicle to introduce children to the «world of mirrors» — as evinced by this extract from Chapter 1:

"Now, if you'll only attend, Kitty, and not talk so much, I'll tell you all my ideas about Looking-glass House. First, there's the room you can see through the glass¾that's just the same as our drawing-room, only the things go the other way. [...] Well then, the books are something like our books, only the words go the wrong way: I know that, because I've held up one of our books to the glass, and then they hold up one in the other room."

However, whilst Carroll's text is sprinkled with passages which serve to remind the reader (and Alice!) that she has entered a mirror world — the poem YKCOWREBBAJ (Ch. 1) and the Looking-glass cakes (Ch. 7), to name but two — it is not self-consistent, as may be illustrated by this injunction of the Red Queen to Alice (Ch. 2):

"Speak in French when you ca'n't think of the English for a thing¾turn out your toes as you walk [...]!"

This order would have been nonsense in Alice's own (Victorian) world, where the sensible equivalent would have been "Speak in English when you ca'n't think of the French for a thing¾turn out your toes as you walk [...]!", and similarly nonsense in the Looking-glass world, where the correct equivalent would have been "Speak in French when you ca'n't think of the English for a thing¾turn in your toes as you walk [...]!"

Indeed, the text's inconsistencies would probably prompt any child with an appreciation of mirrors and their images to seek sanctuary in the nearest «rabbit hole»; and as evinced by Alice's caveat to Kitty before this pair enter the Looking-glass House (Ch. 1), "Perhaps Looking-glass milk isn't good to drink ...", such a refuge might well be decidedly unhealthy in the mirror world.

Curiously, paradoxically even, Alice reveals a greater awareness of the possible differences in the Looking-glass world before she enters it than at almost any time therein. That said, she is oddly minimalist in what she eats: merely (and most reluctantly) one biscuit (Ch. 2). Now, regardless of whether her (or Lewis Carroll's) «prudence» was by design or by accident, it was definitely not nonsense. Thus, in the Looking-glass world, L-configuration monosaccharides would be the monomers used in the biosynthesis of each disaccharide and polysaccharide — and these would probably not be digested by the stereo-selective enzymes in the natural world. Furthermore, even if digestion occurred, the resulting L-configuration monosaccharides (e.g., L-glucose) could not be used in metabolic pathways requiring those of D-configuration (as exemplified by D-glyceraldehyde).

On reflexion, so to speak, perhaps Kitty should have issued a caveat to Alice ... «If you stay for a prolonged period in the Looking-glass world, you will become, quite literally, a shadow of your former self.»

________________________________________________________________________________________

2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 7th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs.

CLASS.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle...

Mlle BACKSON.
Avant tout, j’espère que tout le monde a passé de belles petites vacances ? (Most of the class nod their heads.) Bien !... Maintenant, Alice et Toby : vous êtes prêts ?

MUMFORD.
Oui, Mademoiselle. (He and Alice [ibid] ...) Notre drame est appelé Plaies et Placebos... Et notre questionnaire anthropomorphique de Proust est comme suit... Qu'est-ce que vous êtes ?

ALICE.
La catalase ; l'une des hémoprotéines catalytiques similaire au pigment respiratoire appelé hémoglobine. (She places this transparency ...)

MUMFORD.
Où est-ce que vous habitez ?...

ALICE.
Je me trouve dans les peroxysomes de presque toutes cellules aérobiques, où les réactions diverses d'oxydation produisent le peroxyde d'hydrogène ; ce puissant oxydant est toxique pour telles cellules...

MUMFORD.
Quel est le principal trait de votre caractère ?...

ALICE.
Agissant comme oxydoréductase, je catalyse la décomposition de ce peroxyde, au fur et à mesure de sa formation, en l'eau et le dioxygène — et voici un schéma qui montre l'équation bilan, le profil réactionnel et les variations de l'énergie d'activation en présence ou en l'absence de catalyseur de cette réaction: (She places this transparency ...)

ZIGO.
Mumsy, est-ce que le graphique à l'échelle ?

MUMFORD.
Oui ; assez bien.

ZIGO.
Heu,... Mais, il me semble que les différences entre ces énergies d'activation sont plutôt modestes ?

MUMFORD.
C'est vrai. Cependant, à 37°C, il est possible de démontrer que la catalase augmente de million fois la vitesse de la réaction non catalysée.

ZIGO.
Comment ! Je te crois ; mais je peux bien être le seul ! (He and M. share a smile; then M. addresses A. again.)

MUMFORD.
Quel est votre principal défaut ?...

ALICE.
Comme la plupart des enzymes, je ne suis active que dans une zone limitée de pH, de température et de sel...

MUMFORD.
Quel est votre idéal de bonheur parfait ?...

ALICE.
Pour adopter ma structure optimale à trois dimensions...

MUMFORD.
Quel est pour vous le comble de la misère ?...

ALICE.
N'importe quel facteur dont provoque ma dénaturation complète ; c'est-à-dire la perte irréversible de ma structure tridimensionelle...

SALICE.
Alice, où est le site actif de cette enzyme : aux environs du groupement d'hème ou de la partie protéique ?...

ALICE.
Ceci d'hème, sans aucune doute ; pourtant, au moins de trois résidus d'acide aminés sont impliqués dans cette réaction, dont une tyrosine agissant comme ligand axial de l'hème — note cet oxygène se lie au fer, je t'en prie. (She points to the iron-oxygen bond in the first diagram.) ...

SALICE.
Oui ; je vois. Merci, Alice. (Then A. nods to M.) ...

MUMFORD.
Quelle est votre qualité préférée chez quelque chose ?...

ALICE.
Une capacité pour agir comme cofacteur commode ; par exemple, le nicotinamide adénine dinucléotide phosphate, NADPH...

TRUDI.
Alice, quel est un "cofacteur", s'il te plaît ? (A. leafs through her notes.) ...

ALICE.
Celui-ci est une substance de structure non-protéique qui s'associe avec une protéine pour former l'enzyme active... Or, une telle substance peut être : un ion inorganique ; ou une coenzyme, qui est faiblement liée à la protéine — comme le NADPH ; ou un groupement prosthétique, qui est fortement lié à la protéine — comme l'hème...

TRUDI.
Merci beaucoup, Alice. (She smiles appreciatively; then A. nods to M.) ...

MUMFORD.
Que détestez-vous par dessus tout ?...

ALICE.
La présence des inhibiteurs chimiques, comme le cyanure de potassium, le sulfate de cuivre, le 3-amino-1,2,4-triazole et l'hydroxylamine...

MUMFORD.
Pour quelle faute avez-vous le plus d'indulgence ?...

ALICE.
Une présence réduite dans certains aliments, parce que le peroxyde d'hydrogène est un bon agent antimicrobien...

MUMFORD.
Qui est votre compositeur favori ?...

ALICE.
John Dunn, artiste de la «musique algorithmique» ; à l'aide des logiciels, il fait chanter des protéines et des séquences d'ADN...

MUMFORD.
Qui est votre artiste favori ?...

ALICE.
David Goodsell, parce qu'il combine l'art moléculaire avec la science moléculaire...

MUMFORD.
Qui est votre auteur favori ?...

ALICE.
Douglas Hofstadter, auteur de ouvrage Gödel, Escher, Bach ; il y établit des liens sémantiques entre des travaux qui peuvent paraître aussi disparates que ceux du mathématicien Kurt Gödel, du peintre Maurits Escher et du musicien Jean-Sébastien Bach...

MUMFORD.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans la fiction ?...

ALICE.
Stuart Ressler, protagoniste principal dans The Gold Bug Variations ; roman dans lequel l'auteur, Richard Powers, explore la signification de l'amour, de la musique et de la génétique...

MUMFORD.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans l'histoire ou dans la vie réelle ?...

ALICE.
L'un de deux biochimistes : soit James Sumner, parce qu'il a réussi à me purifier et me cristalliser du foie de bovin, en 1937, soit Britton Chance, parce qu'il a décrit la mécanisme de mon activité à gros traits, en 1951...

MUMFORD.
Quel est votre organisme vivant favori ?...

ALICE.
La pomme de terre, Solanum tuberosum, parce qu'elle agit comme une telle source commode de moi...

MUMFORD.
Quel organisme vivant méprisez-vous le plus ?...

ALICE.
Le mildiou de la pomme de terre, Phytophthora infestans ; ce parasite était responsable de la famine irlandaise au dix-neuvième siècle...

MUMFORD.
Quel est le don de la nature que vous aimeriez avoir ?...

ALICE.
Une plus grande robustesse à la température...

MUMFORD.
Quelle est votre plus grande peur ?...

ALICE.
N'importe quelle mutation dont prévient la traduction de mon code génétique...

MUMFORD.
Qu'auriez-vous aimé être ?...

ALICE.
La glucose oxydase, pour voir comment «l'autre moitié» vit ; cette équation bilan résume le comportement typique de cette enzyme : (She places this transparency ...)

MUMFORD.
Quel est l'état présent de votre esprit ?...

ALICE.
Je suis très optimiste parce que les démarches en matière de catalase — à proprement parler, catalases — se déroulent bon train...

MUMFORD.
Est-ce que vous capable de tuer ?...

ALICE.
Bien sûr que non...

MUMFORD.
Quelle est votre devise ?...

ALICE.
«La catalase, la cytochrome oxydase et l'hémoglobine : trois hémoprotéines, certes, mais ni une pour toutes, ni toutes pour une !»... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Merci, Alice et Toby. (She gives each an appreciative smile.) ...


5.15 p.m. One afternoon during the 7th week of term. In the grounds, spread out on a traveling rug, and with Carotene ambling nearby, Flora and Flashman have reached a natural pause in writing their play ...

FLORA.
Flashy, are you doing anything particular this vacation? ...

FLASHMAN.
No; nothing hard and fast. Some of us have made vague plans to see Pierre and the others in La Rochelle; but I suspect these may well come to naught — which may be a blessing in disguise, because I want to do some serious study before the final year.

FLORA.
Oh! I thought you found studying a breeze? ...

FLASHMAN.
Yes, I'd admit that's fairly true for languages: but I made the decision to opt for History rather than English — and that seems to require an awful lot of background reading.

FLORA.
You sound as if you regret your decision?

FLASHMAN.
No. No; not really — if for no other reason that English at this level appears to be more of the same. ... And you, Flo?

FLORA.
Me? (She looks puzzled.)

FLASHMAN.
Your hols?

FLORA.
I see. Yes, ... well, that may depend on you. I was hoping that you might consider spending a couple of weeks showing me round New England?

FLASHMAN.
Me, show you? Heavens above, Flo, you live there!

FLORA.
Setting aside the obvious, (She points at her white cane.) I spent most of my time at boarding school in Canada — so I've never really had the opportunity of doing the touristy things. ...

FLASHMAN.
Mmm, ... I don't know. ...

FLORA.
What, ... are you worried what the rest of La Jeunesse dorée might say?

FLASHMAN.
Eh!? That's a bit below the belt. No; not at all. It may come as a surprise to one and all, but we don't live in each other's pockets. ...

FLORA.
Well, then, ... is it because you'd feel embarrassed to be toddling around with Carotene and me?

FLASHMAN.
That's even lower! Have you declared «open season» on poor Flashy? (He laughs as he gently touches her on the arm; she laughs gently in response.) No, if truth be told, I'd feel embarrassed for myself; much as I've tried — over the past six months or so — I've found it so difficult to ... What's the right word? ... er, ... «enter» your world. (His tone is one of regret.)

FLORA.
Oh! Thank you so much for that, Flashy. (She touches him on the arm.) So, what then is your reservation? (Her tone is solicitous.)

FLASHMAN.
Simply, I cannot for the life of me see your father giving me permission to toddle anywhere with you. Good heavens, he doesn't trust me an inch!

FLORA.
With good reason! (She giggles.) However, although he is — in a very literal sense — in loco parentis while I'm in this pile, (She waves a hand in a sweep motion.) his input into the other aspects of my life will remain minimal. (Her tone is flat though definitive.) The essential point is that my mother has «pre-approved» you. (He looks surprised.) ...

FLASHMAN.
Are you telling me that your lady mother has already «run the rule» over me? (His tone has an amused edge.)

FLORA.
Absolutely! (Both of them share laughter.) Now, a somewhat delicate question: do you get on with Spats?

FLASHMAN.
Er, ... Yes; I suppose so. ... Though we're not close chums.

FLORA.
Mmm, ... Good! The reason I asked is that both Chalice and Spats have tentatively agreed to come over: so we'll be able to do so things as a foursome or in pairs. (He starts to chuckle.) Flashy! Nothing improper!

FLASHMAN.
No, no, no; no, I wasn't thinking on those lines at all. ... I was just thinking we'll be a modern-day equivalent of The Famous Five.

FLORA.
And who are they, when they're at home?

FLASHMAN.
Nobody of consequence; merely five characters — in a series of novels by a children's author called Enid Blyton — who get involved in all sorts of quite splendidly improbable adventures. ...

FLORA.
But, Flashy, we'll be only four!?

FLASHMAN.
Oh! Sorry; I should have explained that these five comprise two boys, two girls, and a mutt called Timothy.

FLORA.
Ah! I see. ... Flashy, you ought to get out more!

FLASHMAN.
Chance would be a fine thing! Roll on the end of term. (He sighs theatrically.) Speaking of which, ... er, ... Flo ... would do me the honour of being my partner at the Prom?

FLORA.
My pleasure, Flashy. (She smiles warmly.)

FLASHMAN.
Er, ... Perhaps I should warn you that I've two left feet.

FLORA.
Then, we'll both end up in a ditch. (She starts laughing; and he responds similarly.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 8th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Miss. ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Duncan and Frederick: ready?

McKECHNIE.
Yes, Miss. (He and Zigo [ibid] ...) Mine and Ziggy's play is called Seminal Thoughts; and our anthropomorphic Proust questionnaire is as follows. ... What are you?

ZIGO.
N-acetyl-5-methoxytryptamine, commonly known as melatonin; one of several known hormonal neurotransmitters. ...

McKECHNIE.
Where do you live? ...

ZIGO.
In birds and mammals; I am produced primarily by the pineal gland, situated at the base of the brain, acting in its capacity as a «light meter» — this being a brief résumé of my biosynthesis — (He places this transparency ...)

ZIGO.
and, via the bloodstream, found in nearly every organ. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your most marked characteristic? ...

ZIGO.
With respect to Man, acting as the the major synchronizer of the body's endogenous circadian and annual biorhythms — with both a direct and indirect influence over most of a human's autonomic, behavioural, and hormonal functions. ...

BROWN.
Ziggy, ... "circadian"?

ZIGO.
Ah! «About a day». So, circadian biorhythms are intrinsic daily fluctuations in the way various systems function in an organism. (Brown nods in understanding.) ...

FLORA.
Duncan, in so far as the eyes are the principal «meters» for determining changes in environmental light, does blindness effect the secretion of melatonin? ...

McKECHNIE.
Absolutely, Flo. Broadly speaking, because its secretion is suppressed by exposure to light, blind individuals have a constant production of melatonin — and so commonly exhibit a pronounced lack of circadian rhythm. ... However, apart from noting that such people often appear to suffer from insomnia and daytime sleepiness, I'm afraid to say that Ziggy and I didn't thoroughly research the implications. ... Sorry, Flo.

FLORA.
No problem, Duncan. (She smiles.) Er, ... Would you and Ziggy help me hunt down some references, please?

McKECHNIE.
Our pleasure. (His tone is warm.)

FLORA.
Thank you. (Then McK. addresses Z. again) ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your principal defect? ...

ZIGO.
Having such a pivotal and diverse influence in Man, clearly any disruption in my secretion rhythms results in adverse effects of varying degrees of severity and permanence. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? ...

ZIGO.
To be produced at the homeostatically required level. ...

McKECHNIE.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? ...

ZIGO.
To be produced in insufficient quantities, and so perhaps be indirectly responsible for one of more types of «mental impairment» — such as autism and Alzheimer's disease. ...

CHALICE.
Excuse me, Ziggy, but what is "autism"? ...

ZIGO.
Ah! Duncan and I were worried that somebody might ask that question, ... because we couldn't find a universally agreed definition. However, we feel the following one — based on an article by Michael Goldberg, a Californian physician — may be reasonably illuminating: (He reads from his notes.) Autism is characterized externally by impaired communication skills and repetitive, self-stimulatory behaviour — amongst other characteristics — and is a state of brain dysfunction that may be induced by a dysregulated immune system; despite the fact that sufferers show signs of «mental impairment», this condition must not be viewed as a mental disorder. ...

CHALICE.
Mmm. ... Thanks, Ziggy. (She smiles appreciatively; then Z. nods to McK.) ...

McKECHNIE.
What quality do you most admire in something? ...

ZIGO.
Any environmental or genetic factor that does not interfere with my secretion at the homeostatically required level. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is it you most dislike? ...

ZIGO.
Any environmental or genetic factor that does interfere with my secretion at the homeostatically required level! ...

McKECHNIE.
To what fault do you feel most indulgent? ...

ZIGO.
That imprudent desire of a person with sleeping problems to supplement their natural production of melatonin without seeking and then following the advice of their doctor. ...

McKECHNIE.
Who is your favourite composer? ...

ZIGO.
Johann Sebastian Bach, many of whose nearly 1,000 extant works are widely considered to be at the pinnacle of Western musical culture. ... Amongst these is the so-called Goldberg Variations; this composition was commissioned by one Count von Keyserlingk, in 1741, so that his court harpsichordist, Johann Golberg, could play it to enliven this nobleman's sleepless nights. ...

McKECHNIE.
Who is your favourite artist? ...

ZIGO.
Arthur Rackham, the illustrator of many of the original or standard versions of children's books — including Aesop's Fables, Alice in Wonderland, Grimm's Fairy Tales, and Rip Van Winkel. ...

McKECHNIE.
Who is your favourite author? ...

ZIGO.
Washington Irving, an American, whose works include several adult fairy tales — including Rip Van Winkle and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. ...

McKECHNIE.
Who is your favourite character in fiction? ...

ZIGO.
Either Rip van Winkle, himself, or Diedrich Knickerbocker — who may have been his alter ego. (He smiles.) ...

McKECHNIE.
Who is your favourite character in history or real life? ...

ZIGO.
Either Aaron Lerner, because, in 1958, he serendipitously discovered me in bovine pineal glands; or Julius Axelrod, the 1970 Nobel laureate for Medicine, because, in 1962, he proposed the «melatonin hypothesis» — that is, melatonin is secreted in response to changes in environmental lighting, and that these changes affect the pineal gland and also the reproductive functions in mammals. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your favourite living organism? ...

ZIGO.
The unicellular alga Gonyaulax polyedra, because, in 1991, it revealed that my biosynthesis was not limited to higher animals. ...

McKECHNIE.
What living organism do you most despise? ...

ZIGO.
Any microorganism which causes meningitis, such as Neisseria meningitidis and Streptococcus pneumoniae. ...

McKECHNIE.
What natural gift would you most like to possess? ...

ZIGO.
Perhaps to be considered worthy of more consistent secretion throughout life. Thus, in Man, these levels: peak during infancy; decline as the individual develops sexual maturity, having dropped 80% by the time adulthood is reached; and then diminish even further with age. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your greatest fear? ...

ZIGO.
That the sheer multiplicity and diversity of my rôles may result in the division — rather than the coordination — of research effort. ...

McKECHNIE.
What would you have liked to be? ...

ZIGO.
The neurotransmitter serotonin, (He points to its formula.) because it plays such a key rôle in generalized states of consciousness. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your present state of mind? ...

ZIGO.
I'd say slightly apprehensive. Thus, the relatively recent discovery of melatonin in both algae and higher plants does represent an exciting development in chronobiology: but this very fact will further divide research effort — for better or worse. ...

McKECHNIE.
Would you be capable of killing? ...

ZIGO.
On the basis of a study by the American National Toxicology Program, which showed my acute toxicity in laboratory rats to be negligible, probably not. ...

McKECHNIE.
What is your motto? ...

ZIGO.
«The light-suppressed hormone melatonin must not be confused with the light-activated pigment melanin!» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Duncan and Frederick. (She gives each a smile of appreciation.) ...


8.30 p.m. One evening during the 8th week of term. The Headmaster is walking around the grounds; he comes across Mlle G. peering into the arboretum ...

Mr. POND.
Good evening, Agnès. (Mlle G. swivels round.)

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Oh! Er, ... Good evening, Headmaster.

Mr. POND.
Do I take it you have itching fingers? (He smiles.)

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
I beg your pardon, Headmaster? (Her tone is cautious.)

Mr. POND.
I just thought you might have designs on refurbishing that dilapidated monstrosity. (He points to the arboretum.)

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Ah! I see. Mmm? There's a thought.

Mr. POND.
Indeed; one of many. (His tone is a shade enigmatic.) Good night!

Mlle GOSSÂGE.
Good night, Headmaster. (They part.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 9th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs.

CLASS.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle...

Mlle BACKSON.
Jack et George : vous êtes prêts ?

WITTERING.
Oui, Mademoiselle. (He and Merridew [ibid] ...) Notre pièce de théâtre est nommée L'Esprit se flétrissant... Et notre questionnaire anthropomorphique de Proust est comme suit... Qu'est-ce que vous êtes?

MERRIDEW.
La 3,4-dihydroxyphénéthylamine, couramment désignée sous le nom de dopamine ; l'un des neurotransmetteurs endogènes se trouvent chez les animaux supérieurs...

WITTERING.
Où est-ce que vous habitez ?...

MERRIDEW.
Chez l'Homme, je suis essentiellement produite par les neurones de deux structures cérébrales : le tegmentum et la substantia nigra... Et voici un résumé de ma biosynthèse : (He places this transparency ...)

WITTERING.
Quel est le principal trait de votre caractère ?...

MERRIDEW.
Ce me serait difficile de décider, puisque je participe à un tel grand nombre de fonctions du système nerveux — comme la perception sensorielle, la régulation de certaines hormones de la glande pituitaire, la thermorégulation, la mémoire et la motricité...

WITTERING.
Quel est votre principal défaut ?...

MERRIDEW.
Je suis impliquée dans un certain nombre de pathologies humaines, principalement des maladies psychiatriques comme la schizophrénie mais aussi l'accoutumance aux drogues et la maladie de Parkinson...

WITTERING.
Quel est votre idéal de bonheur parfait ?...

MERRIDEW.
Pour être en équilibre avec d'autres neurotransmetteurs...

WITTERING.
Quel est pour vous le comble de la misère ?...

MERRIDEW.
Pour être hors d'équilibre avec l'acétylcholine, puisque le déséquilibre entre ce neurotransmetteur-ci et moi paraîtrait être l'une des causes de la maladie de Parkinson...

WITTERING.
Quelle est votre qualité préférée chez quelque chose ?...

MERRIDEW.
Un site récepteur qui contient les taux corrects d'enzyme, d'ion et d'autre neurotransmetteurs...

WITTERING.
Que détestez-vous par dessus tout ?...

MERRIDEW.
Les gens qui se font une «gâterie» en prenant des drogues — comme la cocaïne, l'ecstasy, l'héroïne et le LSD — pour des buts non-thérapeutiques...

WITTERING.
Pour quelle faute avez-vous le plus d'indulgence ?...

MERRIDEW.
Le besoin de prendre des drogues — comme la L-dopa — pour des buts thérapeutiques...

WITTERING.
Qui est votre compositeur favori ?...

MERRIDEW.
Le Britannique Michael Nyman ; ses œuvres incluent la musique pour un film de Peter Greenaway nommé Meurtre dans un jardin anglais, en 1982, et un opéra pour orchestre de chambre nommé L'Homme qui prenait sa femme pour un chapeau, d'après le livre de Oliver Sacks, en 1986...

TRUDI.
Excuse-moi, Jack, mais quels sont les titres de ces œuvres en anglais ?...

MERRIDEW.
Le premier est The Draughtsman's Contract et ce dernier est The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat...

WITTERING.
Qui est votre artiste favori ?...

MERRIDEW.
Louis Wain, peintre et illustrateur anglais ; sa série tout à fait extraordinaire des peintures de chat révèle son retrait évolutif de la réalité à la fantaisie comme il a développé la schizophrénie...

WITTERING.
Qui est votre auteur favori ?...

MERRIDEW.
Oliver Sacks, neurologue britannique, parce qu'il a publié plusieurs livres dans lesquels il a traité de ses patients, qui ont souffert des maladies neurodégénératives, avec la plus grande sensibilité...

WITTERING.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans la fiction ?...

MERRIDEW.
Holden Caulfield, âgé de 16 ans, le caractère principal dans le roman de J. D. Sallinger nommé L'Attrape-cœurs ; soit The Catcher in the Rye, en anglais...

WITTERING.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans l'histoire ou dans la vie réelle ?...

MERRIDEW.
Sir James Parkinson, médecin anglais, parce qu'il était le premier à décrire avec exactitude, en 1817, les signes et symptômes de la maladie débilitante qui porte son nom...

WITTERING.
Quel est votre organisme vivant favori ?...

MERRIDEW.
Le haricot de velours, Mucuna pruriens, parce qu'il est une source assez riche de la L-dopa...

WITTERING.
Quel organisme vivant méprisez-vous le plus ?...

MERRIDEW.
La plante de coca, Erythroxylon coca, parce qu'elle est la source principale du neurotransmetteur exogène nommé la cocaïne...

McKECHNIE.
Jack, et alors ? (His tone is slightly mischievous.) ...

WITTERING.
Un moment, s'il te plaît. (He leafs through his notes. ...) Ah oui !... Celle-ci s'accroche à la protéine transporteuse de la dopamine et bloque ainsi le processus de recyclage de dopamine, qui va s'accumuler. Et, inévitablement, une telle accumulation bouleverse sévèrement l'équilibre délicat entre les neurotransmetteurs endogènes...

McKECHNIE.
Je vois. Merci, Jack.

MERRIDEW.
Hmph! (He gives McK. a good-natured but waspish smile.) Tu essayais de me mettre dans l'embarras !?

McKECHNIE.
Péris la pensée ! (Everybody laughs; then M. nods to W.) ...

WITTERING.
Quel est le don de la nature que vous aimeriez avoir ?...

MERRIDEW.
Bôf ! Dans ce contexte même, la question est peu appropriée ; en effet, ce serait prendre des désirs pour des réalités — ce que les Anglo-Saxons appellent wishful thinking...

WITTERING.
Quelle est votre plus grande peur ?...

MERRIDEW.
La propagation plus grande des drogues non-thérapeutiques parmi les enfants et la jeunesse...

WITTERING.
Qu'auriez-vous aimé être ?...

MERRIDEW.
L'adrénaline, qui est l'hormone de «combattre-et-vol» : tel style !...

WITTERING.
Quel est l'état présent de votre esprit ?...

MERRIDEW.
Je suis raisonnablement optimiste parce que la cartographie, l'identification et la caractérisation des mutations dans les gènes responsables de maladies neurodégénératives se passent progressivement...

WITTERING.
Est-ce que vous capable de tuer ?...

MERRIDEW.
Mettre de côté ma neurotoxicité — une caractéristique qui est partagée avec l'alcool et la cocaïne, entre autres drogues — j'en doute...

WITTERING.
Quelle est votre devise ?...

MERRIDEW.
«D-dopa, tant pis : L-dopa, tant mieux!»... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Merci, Jack et George. (She gives each an appreciative smile.) ...


5.45 p.m. Same afternoon. In her study, with Nicolas Chédeville's transcription of Vivaldi's concerto RV315 playing in the background, Mlle B. is marking students' work. Dr. S. arrives outside the door; then he knocks ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Entrez, s'il vous plaît. (She mutes the music as Dr. S. opens the door.) Oh! Good afternoon, Alec.

Dr. STUART.
Good afternoon, Charlotte. I do so apologize for disturbing you, (He points at her pile of still unmarked work.) but I was wondering how it has gone with the Lower 6th-Remove, recently? (He smiles engagingly.) ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Well, aside from a surprising reluctance to «colour» their presentations with either musical excerpts or works of art, most satisfactorily. ...

Dr. STUART.
Mmm? ... And, ... class questioning?

Mlle BACKSON.
«Sparing but solicitous» might be a fair description. (She and Dr. S. share a smile; then ...) Incidentally, Alec, since there has not been either a purely biology or physics based element in sight, am I correct in assuming that Father Richelieu stipulated that the chosen scientific element had to be chemistry based?

Dr. STUART.
Oh!? Not that I'm aware. ... But I wouldn't know for sure; le bon père was most decidedly vague in his intentions! (He smiles.) No matter. ... Thank you so much, Charlotte. I'll see you anon. (He closes the door.) ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 10th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Miss. ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Chalice and Ralph: ready?

CHALICE.
Yes, Miss. (She and Pattullo [ibid] ...) Spats' and my play is called Veils of Hemp; ... and our anthropomorphic Proust questionnaire is as follows. ... What are you?

PATTULLO.
Tetrahydrocannabinol; one of the numerous cyclic terpenoids that occur in Nature — two other examples are D-camphor and L-menthol. (He places this transparency ...)

CHALICE.
Where do you live? ...

PATTULLO.
I occur in the flowers, leaves, and resin of the herbaceous annual Cannabis sativa — commonly known as the hemp, Indian hemp, or marijuana plant. ...

CHALICE.
What is your most marked characteristic? ...

PATTULLO.
In Man, the inhibition of neuronal communication — which results in a decrease in communication and motor abilities and an impairment in depth perception and tracking. ...

CHALICE.
What is your principal defect? ...

PATTULLO.
As with any drug that causes euphoria and decreases anxiety, chronic or periodic use does result in some psychological dependence — although apparently no physical dependence. ...

CHALICE.
What is your idea of perfect happiness? ...

PATTULLO.
To be used for purely therapeutic purposes; such as an anti-glaucoma agent, as an anti-emetic for people who suffer from nausea induced by chemotherapy or radiotherapy, and as an appetite stimulant for people who suffer from AIDS-related anorexia. ...

CHALICE.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? ...

PATTULLO.
Being partly or completely responsible for any individual developing schizophrenia — whether or not he or she has a genetic predisposition to develop this condition. ...

CHALICE.
What quality do you most admire in something? ...

PATTULLO.
A receptor site that has a three-dimensional structure which acts as an efficient «lock» to my «key». And, indeed, this is provided by the so-called cannabinoid receptor — which is the «legitimate» target for the endogenous neurotransmitter called anandamide: (He places this transparency ...)

WITTERING.
Spats, hold on a minute, please. ... As far I can see, the structure of this endogenous neurotransmitter looks very different from the exogenous one. (He points first to AEA; and then to THC.)

PATTULLO.
Indeed it does, Witters, if one considers only the types and connectivity of the atoms; that is, their topologies. ... Apparently, however, the spatial relationships between the atoms — that is, their topographies — in parts of these two molecules do show similarities. (He shrugs; then smiles.)

WITTERING.
Mmm? (He frowns.) So be it. (He sounds resigned to the fact, though unconvinced; then P. nods to Ch.) ...

CHALICE.
What is it you most dislike? ...

PATTULLO.
My use, therapeutic or otherwise, under circumstances which might endanger other individuals; for example, operating machinery or driving. ...

CHALICE.
To what fault do you feel most indulgent? ...

PATTULLO.
The wish to prevent the expression of genes coding for my biosynthesis in the hemp plant. ...

SHANDY.
Chalice, do you know what function this compound has in this plant? ...

CHALICE.
I'm afraid not, Shandy; we didn't find any hard information on that point, unfortunately. Er, ... Spats and I speculate that it is a secondary compound, which may have a dual rôle as an anti-desiccant and as an insecticide. ...

SHANDY.
Yes; that sounds reasonable. (She smiles appreciatively; then Ch. addresses P. again.) ...

CHALICE.
Who is your favourite composer? ...

PATTULLO.
Christian Cannabich, the violinist-composer who became the conductor of the famous Mannheim orchestra during the latter part of the 18th century. ...

CHALICE.
Who is your favourite artist? ...

PATTULLO.
Jean Hanamoto; her stunning artwork of a variety of flowers and herbs include those inspired by a garden where marijuana is grown legally for strictly medical purposes. ...

CHALICE.
Who is your favourite author? ...

PATTULLO.
Susan Greenfield, the distinguished neuroscientist, because she has written accessible books about the brain and the mind; for example, Journey to the Centers of the Mind. ...

CHALICE.
Who is your favourite character in fiction? ...

PATTULLO.
P. G. Wodehouse's Bertie Wooster, because of his unfailing ability to make a well-meaning «hash» of things. ...

CHALICE.
Who is your favourite character in history or real life? ...

PATTULLO.
Either George Washington or Thomas Jefferson — respectively, the first and third Presidents of the United States of America — because both of these signatories to the Bill of Rights were hemp farmers when the U.S. was formed. ...

CHALICE.
What is your favourite living organism? ...

PATTULLO.
Setting aside that this is no time for false modesty, it has to be the hemp plant — because of its documented ecological and industrial merits. ...

MERRIDEW.
Spats, would you say these "merits" outweigh the potential dangers in using THC as a «recreational» drug? ...

PATTULLO.
Sorry, Jack, but we don't feel competent enough to judge this issue. That said, Chalice has constructed a couple of questions which, rather curiously, complement some of the points that you and Witters made in your presentation on dopamine. (He waves graciously towards Ch.) ...

CHALICE.
Yes. (She reads from her notes.) Firstly, bearing in mind, on the one hand, that most people have a «vested» interest of one sort or another, and on the other, that the drugs alcohol and nicotine have been «accepted» by default, «What is the moral or ethical basis for preventing an individual's freedom of choice with respect to using any substance — providing, on the one hand, he or she does not endanger any other individual's wellbeing, and on the other, he or she is clearly informed — in an unambiguous and unbiased way — of the real and potential dangers in its use in both the short and long term?» (She takes a deep breath.) And secondly, «Are more lives damaged by the non-therapeutic use of drugs than by those users being involved directly or indirectly with criminal elements?» (She takes another deep breath; then addresses P. again.) ... What living organism do you most despise? ...

PATTULLO.
The branched broomrape, Orobanche ramosa; this chlorophyll-lacking plant is a parasite on the hemp plant. ...

CHALICE.
What natural gift would you most like to possess? ...

PATTULLO.
To have a lower solubility in fat: and thus a lower tendency to be accumulated in fatty tissues. ...

CHALICE.
What is your greatest fear? ...

PATTULLO.
That my use as a «recreational» drug causes any individual — for whatever reason — to use any drug which causes severe mental and/or physical problems. ...

CHALICE.
What would you have liked to be? ...

PATTULLO.
Anandamide, because this endogenous neurotransmitter appears to play important rôles in the regulation of appetite, cognition, fertility, mood, memory, and pain perception. ...

CHALICE.
What is your present state of mind? ...

PATTULLO.
Reasonably optimistic, because the discovery of cannabinoid receptors, and the endogenous neurotransmitter anandamide, has directed research effort to the development of synthetic cannabinoid agonists with potential therapeutic applications in a number of conditions. ...

CHALICE.
Would you be capable of killing? ...

PATTULLO.
Not mammals, almost certainly, because studies have shown a very large separation — by a factor of more than 10,000 — between pharmacologically effective and lethal doses. ...

CHALICE.
What is your motto? ...

PATTULLO.
«THC is rarely a substitute for TLC.» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Thank you, Chalice and Ralph. (She gives each a smile of appreciation.) ...


11.15 p.m. Same night. Equipped with electric lanterns, McKechnie, Merridew, and Wittering are at the entrance to the cellars — strictly out-of-bounds; Zigo hoves into view ...

MERRIDEW.
Ah ! C'est toi, Ziggy ; enfin ! Où est Flashy ?

ZIGO.
Il a décidé de ne pas venir, Jack.

MERRIDEW.
Pourquoi ? Je ne penserais pas qu'il se serait dégonflé.

ZIGO.
Pas du tout !... Simplement il ne veut pas courir le risque de contrarier Barbydol ; autrement dit, il ne veut pas compromettre ses chances d'aller aux États-Unis avec Flora.

WITTERING.
Tout ce sont des couilles ! Il a... (McK. interjects.)

McKECHNIE.
Witters : peu importe !... De toute façon, moi, je n'ai pas envie d'en discuter, puisque ce soir il faut découvrir ce qui ces deux dernières malles contiennent.

WITTERING.
Oui ; désolé, Duncan.

MERRIDEW.
Moi aussi... Allons ! (They enter the cellars, carefully trace a pathway through the accumulated paraphernalia — including a Rabenstein — and arrive at a spot where there are two old and slightly battered trunks.)

McKECHNIE.
Voyons, (He addresses W. and Z.) Jack et moi chercherons cette malle, et vous deux l'autre ?

WITTERING & ZIGO.
D'accord. (Then each pair starts carefully sifting through their particular trunk; shortly thereafter ...)

WITTERING.
Qu'est-ce que c'est ? French Conversation Grammar ... de Dr Emil Otto. (He opens the book.) Ah ! Il y a quelque chose d'écrit sur la couverture intérieure : "Celui qui ne connaît pas la peine ne peut pas apprécier la joie. Bonne chance ! Bertram Oliver Flashman, Michaelmas, 1884 (âgé de 12 ans)."

ZIGO.
Un ancêtre de Flashy, peut-être ?

WITTERING.
J'en doute... Ça serait vraiment une coïncidence ?

ZIGO.
Je suppose que oui. (He shrugs.) Mmm ! Cela promet d'être intéressant. (He holds up a yellowing and tattered musical manuscript.)

WITTERING.
Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, Ziggy ?

ZIGO.
Heu,... Un manuscrit intitulé La Canzone di Narkover... d'un certain Signore P. Geppetto.

WITTERING.
Quoi ! La chanson d'école ? J'avais toujours cru qu'elle était apocryphe : apparemment non ! Heu,... Et les paroles ?

ZIGO.
Pardonne-moi mon accent,... "Quindi io spalancai l'imposta, si avanzò un maestoso corvo dei santi giorni d'altri tempi. Egli..." (W. interjects.)

WITTERING.
Ça suffit ! (He laughs.) Jusqu'ici, le seul mot que j'ai compris est corvo ; un grand corbeau, oui ?... Où est Signore Sal. lorsqu'on a besoin de lui !? (The other three join in the laughter; then ...)

MERRIDEW.
Et la musique ?

ZIGO.
Bôf ! C'est du chinois pour moi !

MERRIDEW.
Donne-le moi, s'il te plaît. (Z. passes the manuscript to M., who starts reading the music; then ...) Sacré bleu !... Celle-ci est la musique même qui s'est servie comme thème dans un film appelé The Ladykillers. (They resume their trawls; shortly thereafter ...)

ZIGO.
Ah !... Voyez ce qui j'ai trouvé ! (M., McK., and W. focus their eyes on Z., who is holding a moth-eaten forage cap in his left hand and a fur trapper's hat in his right; he reads the label attached to the forage cap.) "L'échantillon pour le collège de Narkover, Borsetshire, Angleterre. Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette, La Rochelle, le 14 novembre 1859."

McKECHNIE.
Ça, c'est complètement affreux !

WITTERING.
Bien sûr que oui !...

MERRIDEW.
Et l'autre, Ziggy ?

ZIGO.
Ah ! (He reads the one attached to the fur trapper's hat.) "Pour M. le docteur Franklin, à l'hôtel de Valentinois, Paris. Bon anniversaire ! Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette, La Rochelle, le 20 décembre 1777." ...

McKECHNIE.
Quel anniversaire ?

ZIGO.
Pas d'idée. (He shrugs.)

MERRIDEW.
Son arrivée à Paris en 1776, peut-être ?

WITTERING.
Probablement, Jack. (Then they resume their trawls; shortly thereafter ...)

MERRIDEW.
Houlas ! (From brown waxed paper, M. removes a sword — about three feet in length, having a triangular blade and a one foot diameter metal bowl at its hilt; attached to this guard is a label in German.) Heu,... Duncan, tu parles allemand, n'est-ce-pas ?

McKECHNIE.
Je me débrouille ; oui. Pourquoi ?

MERRIDEW.
Regarde par ici ! (He holds up same.)

McKECHNIE.
Nom d'un... ! Un schlager. Ça, c'est magnifique !

MERRIDEW.
Un quoi ?

McKECHNIE.
Heu,... Au dix-neuvième siècle, certains étudiants allemands se sont délivrés au «duel au Schlager» — au cours duquel ils cherchaient à s'infliger les blessures superficielles à la tête pour pouvoir faire admirer les cicatrices...

MERRIDEW.
Comme c'est primitif de leur part !

McKECHNIE.
C'est bien cela. De plus, crois-le ou non, cette garde-ci était connue comme «l'assiette à soupe de l'honneur»...

MERRIDEW.
Mmm ? Il me semble qu'ils ont dû avoir un sens bizarre de «l'honneur» !... Et l'étiquette ?

McKECHNIE.
Voyons un peu... "Zu Seiner Hoheit, von seine Kommilitonen, anlässlich Seine günstige Ehe." ... c'est-à-dire : "À Son Altesse, de ses camarades de classe, à l'occasion de Son mariage propice."

MERRIDEW.
Quelle Altesse ? Le prince fondateur de Narkover ?

McKECHNIE.
Je présume que oui. Il y a une rumeur... (An exclamation by W. halts him in mid-sentence.)

WITTERING.
Mince alors !! (M., McK., and Z. focus their eyes on W., who has a doll in one hand and a scrap of paper in t'other.)

MERRIDEW.
Witters, qu'est-ce qui ne va pas ?... Tu a l'air d'avoir vu un fantôme ! (M., McK., and Z. laugh gently.)

WITTERING.
Regardez !

McKECHNIE.
Et alors ? Ça, ce n'est qu'une poupée de paille.

WITTERING.
Pas «seulement» ! (His tone is determined.) Il y a quelque chose d'écrit sur ce petit morceau. Écoutez bien !... "Sois prudent quand tu regardes la poupée, celle-ci également te regardera. Elle pourra se transformer ta vie : d'une manière ou d'autre, quelque part, un jour ou l'autre."...

MERRIDEW.
Eh bien, quand même, celle-ci n'est qu'une «Diseuse de bonne aventure» — un accessoire de théâtre de l'ère victorienne ?

WITTERING.
Pas du tout ! Il y a, en plus, un dessin d'une fleur et plusieurs baies de belladone. (M., McK., and Z. look stunned.) ...

ZIGO.
«La carte de visite» des filles. (His voice is shaky.)

WITTERING.
Précisément !

ZIGO.
Alors, cela signifie qu'elles ont été ici avant nous.

WITTERING.
Sans blague ! (His tone is caustic.)

McKECHNIE.
Witters ! Ça ne sert rien d'être sarcastique.

WITTERING.
Ô ! Bien sûr... Heu,... Ziggy, je suis très désolé.

ZIGO.
Pas de problème. (He and W. share a smile.)

MERRIDEW.
Ce qui me laisse perplexe est le but de leur carte.

McKECHNIE.
Moi aussi. Peut-être, un avert... (Z. interjects.)

ZIGO.
Hein !?... Chut !... Quel est ce bruit ? (They hold their breaths and strain their ears. ... Suddenly they hear faint mewing; these sounds grow louder; and then a cat appears.)

MERRIDEW.
Sacré bleu ! C'est Fleabit ; et loin de chez soi !...

ZIGO.
Mmm ?... Je crois qu'il serait mieux de se tirer d'ici afin de rester vivant pour un autre jour.

McKECHNIE.
Pourquoi donc, Ziggy?

ZIGO.
Eh bien, à mon avis, «les malheurs viennent par trois». ... D'abord, nous avons eu la poupée. Puis, ce sacré chat — un autre «oiseau de mauvais augure», non ? Et le troisième ? Bôf ! Je ne veux point de le découvrir...

MERRIDEW.
Oui ; on ne devrait pas tenter le destin.

McKECHNIE.
Je vois... Witters ?

WITTERING.
Ça m'est égal... Après tout, ce n'est pas comme si nous cherchions à fuir ou nous cacher de quelque chose. (His tone is one of studied indifference.)

McKECHNIE.
D'accord : allons !...


4.35 p.m. One afternoon during the 11th week of term. In a room used for the hobby of handicraft, Brown, East, Mumford, and Unman are engaged in tidying up; Mumford starts day-dreaming ...

........................................................................................
[Start of day-dream sequence.]

Mumford «imagines» B., E., U., and himself — dressed in early-19th century midshipman's uniforms — to be standing outside their captain's cabin in one of the vessels about to attack the French fleet anchored in the Île d'Aix road on 11th April 1809. Rather hesitantly, Brown knocks on the door. From within, Captain Brummel [i.e., Dr. B.] barks "Enter"; the four midshipmen do so, stand in front of a table — behind which a seated Capt. B. is holding an unscrolled document — and then salute ...

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
I've just received this letter from the flagship: (He reads out loud) "By Captain Harry Neale, on behalf of the Right Honourable Lord Gambier, Knight of the Bath, Admiral of the Blue & Commander of His Majesty's Ships & Vessels employed & to be employed in Basque roads, etc., etc., etc. Our most recent intelligence reveals that, in addition to 11 Ships-of-the-line & 4 Frigates, M. Allemand's fleet moored in the Isle d'Aix road also shelters two former slave ships, containing over Eight Hundred Non-juring Priests: the Deux Associés, commanded by a certain M. Laly, & the Washington, commanded by a certain M. Gibert. ... His Lordship has been informed by Lord Cochrane, commanding the Impérieuse, that Colonel Congreve's preparations for the Incendiary Operations are set for the morrow (11th), with no delay possible. Accordingly, only tonight remains for us to attempt the rescue of these most unfortunate priests. You are hereby required to direct the necessary Officers & Company belonging to your ship to behave themselves in their Employments with Respect & Obedience to you, their Captain, in this singular attempt. Hereof nor you nor any of you may fail as you will answer the contrary at your Peril. And for doing so this shall be your Order. ... Given on board the Indefatigable at sea, 10th April, 1809. To Robert Oliphant Brummel, Esqr., etc., etc., etc." ... ... This expedition will require just two midshipmen. Mmm? ... First, Mr. Brown. The bos'n has just shown me your examples of what he calls the «young gentlemen's workings». Hmph! I doubt whether you can spell the word trigonometry: much less understand its principles! So, you will stay on board.

BROWN.
But, Sir, that's not fair.

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Fair!? This is not the American navy: this is the navy of His most Gracious Majesty. I strongly advise you to keep your thoughts to yourself: otherwise you will be before the mast quicker than two shakes of a bos'n's starter!

BROWN.
Yes, Sir; my humblest apologies, Sir. ...

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Now, Mr. Mumford. Alas, I have not selected you on medical grounds.

MUMFORD.
Because I'm partially deaf, Sir? (He sounds hurt.)

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Nay, Mr. Mumford. ... The ship's surgeon believes you may be showing signs of what his good friend Diedrich Knickerbocker calls the «Rip van Winkel syndrome».

MUMFORD.
But, Sir, Dr. Maturin may be wrong.

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Indeed so. Be that as it may, it simply wouldn't do for you to fall asleep in the middle of such an important — not to say vital — expedition. (M. looks deflated; then Capt. B. addresses E. and U.) Which brings me to you two, Mr. East and Mr. Unman. (The chests of E. and U. perceptibly swell with pride.) This is a most singular honor... (He halts in mid-sentence as Mrs. Brummel enters the cabin from a side door.) Ah ! A lady on board. Gentlemen, attention! (All four boys stand so.) ...

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Hmph! ... Oliphant, a "lady" was one of the relatively few correct words you uttered in that nonsense. ...

EAST.
Er, ... Excuse me, Miss, "nonsense"? Captain Brummel was preparing us for our Scouts' «Historical Re-enactment» Merit Badge.

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Scouts!? East, my dear husband wouldn't know the difference between a woggle and a toggle. (Then she addresses Capt. B.) Oliphant, in so far as this moldering school was originally founded as the Royal Naval College of Narkover, don't you think it is more than a shade incongruous for an American to be acting the part of an English sea captain!?

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Er, ... Yes, Honeybun; I suppose so.

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Furthermore, I would have thought that verisimilitude was de rigueur in any so-called historical re-enactment!? ...

UNMAN.
Sorry, Miss, I'm not with you? ...

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
Well, first and foremost, that particular imprisonment of priests occurred in 1794-95: not 1809. And second, while it is true that the inhumane régimes imposed by MM. Laly and Gibert almost defy belief, the English were — unwittingly or otherwise — partially culpable because their effective blockade of the French coast prevented the Deux Associés and the Washington setting sail for Guyana.

UNMAN.
Oh! ... But, Miss — according to Trudi and Spats, at least — the English did capture ships being used to deport priests.

Mrs. BRUMMEL.
And they're absolutely right! But, such captures occurred mainly in 1797-98, after the Directory had re-introduced the decrees against priests that had been effectively annulled — but not fully implemented — following the end of the Terror and Robespierre's execution in July 1794. ... These captures prompted the Directory — and, subsequently, in 1799, the Consulate — to imprison them on the Îles de Ré and d'Oléron; a practice that ended with the Concordat signed between Pope Pius VII and Napoléon in 1802. ... So, gentlemen, as you are now able to realize, my husband's command of history — and, indeed, this «ship» — leaves everything to be desired. (She smiles waspishly.)

CAPTAIN BRUMMEL.
Hmph! Fetch me a «red cloak», Mr. Mumford! (No response.)

[End of day-dream sequence.]
........................................................................................

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Mumford! ... Mumford!! (M. wakes up to find Dr. B., B., E., and U. all smiling at him.)

MUMFORD.
Er, ... Sorry, Sir, I was miles away.

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Not from where I'm standing! (He smiles.) Anyway, ... I've only popped in to fix up a meeting to discuss your projects next year.

EAST.
Why's that, Sir?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Well, Sig. Sal. tells me that these involve simulating the 1809 fireships' attack off the Île d'Aix and a hypothetical reconstruction of same involving chemical warfare?

UNMAN.
Yes, Sir. ... And, Sir?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Well apart from my concerns about their inevitably temporary nature, there are major considerations of safety. ...

BROWN.
I see, Sir. ... No problem. Er, ... May we suggest any time next week which is convenient to you, Sir?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Splendid! I'll get back to you on that. ...

MUMFORD.
Excuse me, Sir, but why are you wearing «whites»? (Dr. B., B., E., and U. all start smiling at him again.)

Dr. BRUMMEL.
I'm playing cricket in the Staff v Students match. ... Well, supposedly, at least; though all I appear to have done so far is to trudge from one end of the field to the other as somebody called «third man», ... and yet I bat as «No. 11». (He shakes his head in incomprehension — which prompts B., E., and U. to sigh in a slightly patronizing manner.) ...

MUMFORD.
And, ... er, ... Sir, would you mind telling me ... er, what your lady wife calls you ... in private?

Dr. BRUMMEL.
Bob — or Robert, when I'm in the dog-house. (He smiles; and then looks intrigued.) Why do you ask, Mumford?

MUMFORD.
Er, ... no; no matter, Sir. ...


2.45 p.m. One of the Lower 6th-Remove's General Studies' lessons in the 11th week of term; Mlle B. in attendance ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Bonjour, mesdemoiselles et messieurs.

CLASS.
Bonjour, Mademoiselle...

Mlle BACKSON.
Flora et Rudolph : vous êtes prêts ?

FLORA.
Oui, Mademoiselle. (She and Flashman [ibid] ...) Notre drame est intitulé Opiacés du peuple ; et notre questionnaire anthropomorphique de Proust est comme suit... Qu'est-ce que vous êtes ?

FLASHMAN.
La 2,6,8-trihydroxypurine, couramment désignée sous le nom d'acide urique ; l'une des douzaines de bases puriques se trouvent chez les organismes vivants — quatre autres sont l'adénine, la guanine, l'hypoxanthine et la xanthine...

FLORA.
Où est-ce que vous habitez ?...

FLASHMAN.
Chez l'Homme, je suis formée à partir du métabolisme des purines — c'est-à-dire leur biosynthèse, dégradation et sauvetage — et je me trouve essentiellement — sous forme de monosodium d'urate — dans le plasma, le liquide synovial et le liquide extracellulaire... Voici un résumé des voies métaboliques qui aboutissent à ma formation : (He places this transparency ...)

ALICE.
Flo,... qu'est-ce que "l'AMP" et "le GMP" ?...

FLORA.
Ces nucléotides sont les substrats de la synthèse des acides nucléiques, soit l'ADN et l'ARN, et quelques coenzymes, dont le NADPH et le FADH...

TRUDI.
Heu,... Flo, aurais-tu l'amabilité de me rappeler ce qui est une "coenzyme" ?...

FLORA.
Bien sûr, Trudi... Celle-ci est un molécule de structure non-protéique qui s'associe faiblement avec une protéine pour former l'enzyme active...

TRUDI.
Merci, Flo. (Then Flora addresses Flashman again.) ...

FLORA.
Quel est le principal trait de votre caractère ?...

FLASHMAN.
Alors que je suis seulement un produit excréteur accessoire chez certains mammifères, je suis le produit terminal majeur de l'élimination de l'azote chez les insectes, les oiseaux et les reptiles terrestres...

FLORA.
Quel est votre principal défaut ?...

FLASHMAN.
Au point de vue humaine, un excès de moi dans le plasma — une condition connue sous le nom de hyperuricémie — peut aboutir à la déposition des cristaux d'urate dans les tissus et les articulations : et celle-ci a pour résultat la maladie douloureuse et débilitante appelée la goutte...

FLORA.
Quel est votre idéal de bonheur parfait ?...

FLASHMAN.
Le taux correct de chaque enzyme qui est impliquée dans les voies métaboliques des purines...

FLORA.
Quel est pour vous le comble de la misère ?...

FLASHMAN.
Une surproduction de moi dans les enfants — à cause d'une carence d'un enzyme dans la voie sauvetage des purines — parce qu'elle a pour résultat la maladie génétique nommée le syndrome de Lesch-Nyhan ; malheureusement, à ce moment-ci, la tragiquement courte vie de chaque malade est caractérisée par très sévères problèmes mentaux...

FLORA.
Quelle est votre qualité préférée chez quelque chose ?...

FLASHMAN.
Le site actif qui permet ma formation ; et celui-ci est fourni par une enzyme connue sous le nom de xanthine oxydase — qui contient quatre atomes de molybdène !...

FLORA.
Que détestez-vous par dessus tout ?...

FLASHMAN.
La présence des inhibiteurs adventices aux environs du site actif de la susnommée enzyme...

FLORA.
Pour quelle faute avez-vous le plus d'indulgence ?...

FLASHMAN.
L'activité inhibiteur se montre par l'allopurinol — un analogue chimique de l'hypoxanthine — parce qu'il diminue le taux d'urate et, par conséquent, améliore la goutte...

FLORA.
Qui est votre compositeur favori ?...

FLASHMAN.
Ian Anderson, parolier-compositeur principal du groupe de rock Jethro Tull ; sa chanson extraordinaire Aqualung est un portrait musical d'un vieillard pauvre qui est sans abri, asthmatique et accablé de goutte...

FLORA.
Qui est votre artiste favori ?...

FLASHMAN.
Michelangelo Buonarotti-Simoni, dit Michelangelo, peintre, architecte, poète et sculpteur, parce qu'il a exprimé dans son art les idées de la Renaissance — passant du «réalisme» au «beau» comme essence et comme glorification des capacités humaines... À propos, il a bien pu être un «martyr» de la goutte...

FLORA.
Qui est votre auteur favori ?...

FLASHMAN.
George MacDonald Fraser, éditeur des volumineux manuscrits connus sous le nom de The Flashman Papers — qui fournissent une perspective rafraîchissante sur l'ère victorienne...

FLORA.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans la fiction ?...

FLASHMAN.
Harry Flashman, bien sûr! Durant sa vie, ce fameux officier était cynique, imposteur, menteur, poltron, séducteur, tricheur, voleur et tant de chose encore, il est vrai : mais l'importance, la vraisemblance et l'humour de ses mémoires apparaîtraient être inestimables...

FLORA.
Qui est votre caractère favori dans l'histoire ou dans la vie réelle ?...

FLASHMAN.
Louis Braille, professeur et organiste aveugle, parce qu'il était pas seulement l'inventeur de l'alphabet pour les aveugles mais aussi d'un autre système d'écriture qui sera par la suite étendu à la musique...

FLORA.
Quel est votre organisme vivant favori ?...

FLASHMAN.
Soit le thé, Camellia sinensis, ou le café, Coffea arabica, ou le cacao, Theobroma cacao, parce que chacun est un source d'une ou plus bases puriques — à savoir la théophylline, la caféine et la théobromine — (He places this transparency ...)

... et pourtant, par contraste avec moi, chacun peut donner le plaisir quand il est consommé avec modération...

POPSY.
Heu,... Flashy, je présume que ces bases puriques sont des composés secondaires, (She points to this second diagram.) comme l'acide salicylique, la cocaïne, la pinocembrine, le tétrahydrocannabinol, etc. ?...

FLASHMAN.
Tu as tout à fait raison, Popsy. Ceci dit, à présent on ne sait pas s'ils ont un rôle unique — c'est-à-dire comme antioxydant, ou insecticide, ou mécanisme pour l'excrétion de l'azote — ou s'ils ont plus de l'un...

ZIGO.
Désolé, Flashy, mais si je me souviens bien, je crois que Shandy a mentionné aussi le mot "antioxydant". (He glances at S., who nods affirmatively.) Quelle est l'importance de ces antioxydants, s'il te plaît ?...

FLASHMAN.
Oh? Un moment, Ziggy. (He leaf through his notes.) Ah, oui ! D'abord, chez les milieux biologiques, les radicaux libres sont toxiques et dangereux s'ils ne sont pas gardés sous contrôle. Or, les antioxydants sont certaines substances naturelles qui s'opposent aux radicaux libres...

ZIGO.
Autrement dit, «les bons gars» ?...

FLASHMAN.
Oui ; précisément ! (Everyone smiles; then he gently touches Flora's arm.) ...

FLORA.
Quel organisme vivant méprisez-vous le plus? ...

FLASHMAN.
Le cafard, Blattella ou Periplaneta spp., parce qu'il est un vecteur des pathogènes qui causent des maladies telle que la gastro-entérite et la diarrhée... À propos, la combinaison de l'oxypurinol et de la xanthine peut intervenir dans la croissance et la reproduction de cet insecte nuisible...

FLORA.
Quel est le don de la nature que vous aimeriez avoir ?...

FLASHMAN.
Aucun !... Moi, je ne souscris pas à la vue que «l'herbe est toujours plus verte de l'autre côté de la clôture»...

FLORA.
Quelle est votre plus grande peur ?...

FLASHMAN.
Pour être trouver, chez le monde vivant, d'avoir pas d'autre rôle que comme excréteur...

FLORA.
Qu'auriez-vous aimé être ?...

FLASHMAN.
L'une de deux bases puriques se trouvent dans l'ADN et l'ARN, c'est-à-dire l'adénine et la guanine, parce qu'elles jouent le rôle primordial dans le stockage, le transfert et l'expression de l'information génétique...

FLORA.
Quel est l'état présent de votre esprit ?...

FLASHMAN.
Je suis raisonnablement optimiste parce que — comme on a été dit plusieurs fois auparavant — les démarches en matière de génétique se déroulent dare-dare...

FLORA.
Est-ce que vous capable de tuer ?...

FLASHMAN.
Mettant de côté ma néphrotoxicité, j'en doute. Cependant, on ne dispose pas de données concernant une grande gamme d'organismes...

FLORA.
Quelle est votre devise ?...

FLASHMAN.
«Pas d'acide urique ? Pas de problème. Pas de goutte !» ... ...

Mlle BACKSON.
Merci, Flora et Rudolph. (She gives each an appreciative smile; then addresses the class.) Eh bien, somme tout, ça m'a fait plaisir d'écouter vos présentations ce trimestre. Bien fait, tout le monde ! (She smiles.) Il ne me reste qu'à vous souhaiter de bonnes vacances d'été !... À bientôt ! (She waves a hand in the direction of the door.) ...


2.45 p.m. One afternoon during the 12th week of term. Dr. S. takes the Lower 6th-Remove for their last lesson of General Studies ...

Dr. STUART.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

CLASS.
Afternoon, Sir. ...

Dr. STUART.
Mmm ! (He looks at the register.) I can't be bothered with this palaver. (He counts the number of heads; then starts reciting the names to himself, intermittently glancing up at the class.) Ms. Salice Albero. Ms. Constance Bonacieux. Brown. Ms. Shandy Drynck. East. Flashman. Ms. Malice A. Forthort. Ms. Alice Lidell-Lonsdale. McKechnie. Merridew. Mumford. Pattullo. Piggy: mort. Ms. Chalice Poison. Ms. Popsy Rice. Ms. Flora Stuart. Ms. Lolli Stich. Ms. Trudi Taplow. Unman. Wittering. Zigo. ... Splendid; all present and correct! ... ... Now, Mlle Backson has told me that she was most pleasantly surprised by each pair's presentation of their questionnaire: so, I think it is a case of laurels all round! (His tone and smile are warm.) She appeared to be a shade disappointed that no pair chose: either to present a questionnaire that was more directly rooted in a physics or biology based phenomenon; or to «colour» their presentations with musical excerpts or works of art — which suggests to me that we'll need discuss the principles of copyright at some time in the future. However, I must emphasize that the good lady's comments were not put forward as criticisms. ... Now, I would welcome any comments from yourselves? (The class remain mute.) Hmph! No? ... Merridew, and Wittering, you two are usually the first to mutter mutinous sentiments! (He smiles encouragingly.)

MERRIDEW.
Thank you for the back-handed compliment, Sir, (He directs a rather pointed look at Dr. S.) but neither Witters nor I are gluttons for punishment, so to speak; we've been burnt — indeed, scolded — too many times expressing our views. (He and W. exchange a wry smile.)

Dr. STUART.
Mmm!? I'm not sure that I would agree with you. However, I solemnly promise to wear my kid gloves; Scout's honour! (He smiles encouragingly again.) ...

MERRIDEW.
Well, Sir, the whole business seems rather arbitrary to us; whether it's the play itself or the choice of subject.

WITTERING.
Yes, Sir; for example, from our play The Withering Spirit, we plumped to do a questionnaire on the neurotransmitter dopamine: but, equally we could have chosen any number of substances — spermidine, testosterone, progesterone, etc., ... yes, even Duncan and Ziggy's melatonin. Take your pick. (He shrugs; there are general murmurings of agreement.)

Dr. STUART.
I see. Fair point. ... Yes, Popsy?

POPSY.
Salice and I found the questionnaire, .... yes, arbitrary I guess; since attempting to find even, well, mildly relevant answers to some of the questions was like placing «square pegs in round holes». (Further murmurings of agreement.)

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Chalice?

CHALICE.
Sir, although I agree with what has been said, my problem — sort of — was that no questionnaire appeared to «flow». ...

Dr. STUART.
Mmm? ... Class, whilst I would agree with the points made so far, I cannot but wonder whether each of you made a «rod for your own backs». ... Thus, as far as I can gather — and most surprisingly, I must say — each pair used not only the same order of questions but also the very same questions. (Every member of the class looks flabbergasted.) ...

MALICE.
Excuse me!! ... Um, ... Sorry, Sir. I mean, are you saying that we could have used a different questionnaire?

Dr. STUART.
Absolutely! (Groans and mutterings from the class.)

BROWN.
Sir, that's not fair!

Dr. STUART.
Life usually isn't! (He smiles.)

BROWN.
That's as maybe, but, ... Sir, we were only following Father Richelieu's own questionnaire! (He and everybody else looks mightily aggrieved.)

Dr. STUART.
Mmm! (His tone become noticeably pompous.) Clearly, it behoves me to assume that each and everyone of you had his or her wires crossed: rather than to assert a lack of common sense. That said, I must point out that the good Father's own questionnaire, as Brown puts it, is nothing of the sort: it includes the indefinite article, or otherwise put, it is merely A questionnaire rather than The questionnaire. ...

LOLLI.
So, Sir, are you implying that, ... say, a more «targeted» anthropomorphic questionnaire might be ... less arbitrary?

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Lolli; certainly in the sense that Popsy was referring to earlier. ... Yes, Shandy?

SHANDY.
Could you give some examples of more "targeted" questions, Sir, please?

Dr. STUART.
Mmm? ... I'm not sure that would be as fruitful as perhaps considering a modified approach. ... Thus, starting with the admittedly pessimistic premise that such a questionnaire may provide nothing more than a different perspective on a given subject, then one might consider broad topic areas — such as art, the environment, history, the physical sciences, etc. — within which one asks diverse questions. Now, the resulting answers to these should subject your chosen questions to — let us say — «survival of the fittest»; thus, some questions should become «extinct», whereas others should be allowed to «evolve». ... ... Yes, Alice?

ALICE.
Sir, I can definitely see how such an approach might be an improvement: but I don't really see how it gets round Jack's and Witters' point about the arbitrariness of it all. ...

Dr. STUART.
You and me both! (He laughs gently.) In fact, I apologize to both of you; (He looks at M. and then W.) my comment of "Fair point" was less than generous. Indeed, unwittingly or otherwise, you have brought into focus this important point: What are — or should be — the priorities in acquiring the ever-expanding «web of knowledge»? ... ... Yes, McKechnie?

McKECHNIE.
Sir, ... if my memory serves me correctly, last Speech Day, the Headmaster ended his speech with that same phrase — in German, no less: Spinnwebe von Wissen.

Dr. STUART.
Oh dear! ... That's much too close for comfort! (He laughs gently; the class look bemused.) Ah well. ... Now, let us look ahead to next year. ... Setting aside the presently intractable caveat of priorities, I would contend that the potential of «anthropomorphic» perspectives on a subject is worthy of further consideration — though, not necessarily by a questionnaire, and certainly not by the one that you have been wedded to this term. ... Accordingly, I would like each of you to exercise the grey cells, with a view — perhaps — of presenting a subject in some format or t'other next term. ... Yes, Zigo?

ZIGO.
Sir, are you still wearing your kid gloves? (Dr. S. smiles; everyone else laughs gently.)

Dr. STUART.
Yes, Zigo. ...

ZIGO.
Er, ... Are these presentations — prospective ones, I mean — compulsory, Sir?

Dr. STUART.
No, Zigo; not least because the priority of your final year here must be your formal academic studies. (He starts to smile mischievously.) That said, I am sure that the rest of the class would enjoy a presentation by you and your confrères on the ... schlager! (Z., M., McK., and W. all exchange fleeting glances of apprehension.) And, on that enigmatic note, I will bid you farewell for this academic year. (He waves a hand in the direction of the door — to a mixed chorus of "Ciao, Sir." and "Cheers, Sir.") ...


10.30 p.m. Last night of term. In their bedroom, the Headmaster and his lady wife are in bed ...

Mr. POND.
Euphémie ?

Mrs. POND.
Oui, Bassett ?

Mr. POND.
Heu,... Ma chouette, tu veux une tasse de chocolat chaud ?

Mrs. POND.
Non.

Mr. POND.
Euh ! Pourquoi pas ? Mes trois mois de chasteté forcée sont bien terminés !

Mrs. POND.
Bien sûr que oui : et j'attends donc au moins deux tasses de double chocolat !

Mr. POND.
Ah !... Tes désirs sont des ordres...

EPILOGUE: Magnificat

10.00 a.m. Speech Day. Seated left, of the central aisle of a marquee, are the immaculately presented students; and right, are their guardians and relatives — many sporting exotic creations from Hydragyrum Chapelier Vinaigrette; and at one end, on a raised stage, are the distinguished guests and academic staff — most of whom are wearing academic gowns with with hoods: Sir Forest B. Archer, the Lord Lieutenant of Borsetshire, is on his feet ...

Sir FOREST ARCHER.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. ... First, the prizes! ... ... The Year 7 prize for Home Economics to Ms. Verdante Waldorf. ... (Applause.) ... ... ... The Year 9 prize for Needlework to Ms. Rose Coton. ... ... The Year 10 prize for Geography to Lucien Carter. ... ... ... ... And lastly, the Lord Lieutenant's prize, for overall academic achievement, to Philip Netherbourne. ... (Applause.) ... Now, before I deliver my speech, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those who sent me their good wishes during my long illness and even longer convalescence. (He smiles warmly.) Mmm. ... During the latter, I had ample time to reflect on various aspects of my own youth, ... and one in particular: namely its punctuation with a seemingly constant succession of proverbs and «old wives' tales» dispensed by adults under the general heading of «words of wisdom». ... Now, whilst — at this very moment — every student may be entertaining the not unreasonable notion to make a bee-line for the nearest exit, (Most of the adults, but few of the students, smile weakly.) I do assure each and every one of you that I have no intention of boring you with a long litany of these; ... that effect could be achieved with a much smaller one! (He smiles; as do most of the adults and students.) But, within this shorter list, I will attempt to enlighten you with my aforementioned reflections — so as to give you an a priori method of judging any given «words of wisdom». ... (About 15 minutes later.) ... I hope that each of you has determined a few «rules of thumb» from my illustrative examples; and so, to conclude, I will leave you with the task of judging the merits, or otherwise, of the proverb «Early to bed and early to rise makes one healthy, wealthy and wise.» — with respect to childhood, adolescence, early adulthood, middle-age, and last but not least, late adulthood. ... ... Thank you, one and all! (Spontaneous applause.)

Mr. POND.
Thank you, Sir. (He smiles warmly at Sir Forest, and then addresses the student body.) Students, I think a thoroughly well deserved round of three cheers is in order for our most most distinguished guest, Sir Forest Archer. (Three cheers and vigorous applause follow; then he addresses the whole.) Tradition demands that I should open my speech with a review of the academic year: so I will be a «slave» to same. (He smiles.) The autumn term ... (About 50 minutes later.) ... At this point, I should draw your attention to one change in our programme for the rest of Speech Day. ... Traditionally, as you all know, Narkover completes the school year with a celebration of Mass. Nevertheless, I feel that — in view of Sir Forest's splendid recovery from his long-term illness — this year we should partake of a more appropriate service. Accordingly, after the buffet lunch, we will reassemble in the chapel to hear the school's choir and orchestra perform, under Signore Salieri's direction, Heinichen's brief A major Magnificat — composed in Dresden, in 1728. ... And now, my only remaining task is to set the following question before those who will be returning this autumn term: ... Is there merit in considering consilience — that is, «the «unity of knowledge» — to be Die Kunst für die wissende Katze? ...

[Playlets 10-12 will be included in the fourth trilogy; the
Year 12 resource ... Bensalem: Die Verführerin von Wissen?]